1.) Most of the stories aren’t really stories at all. They’re just really long captions for all the pretty pictures of people I don’t care about.
2.) Reality TV “stars” get WAY too much press. Do I really need to know who Snooki “smooshed” last week? Or how those teen moms are doing? The Real Housewives need MORE press though because I love them. The best thing about Real Housewives is that they’re not really real at all.
3.) Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries renewed their wedding vows. Didn’t they just get married a few weeks ago? I’m thinking they didn’t get all the presents on their insane gift registries, so they’re going for Round Two. Who wants to get ol’ Kimmie a $6,000 silver spoon? And why does she need one when she was born with one in her mouth? I also find it disturbing that she married a man who shares his name with her momager. Also, Kris (the husband, not the momager) was overheard telling someone he wants to have 20 kids. 20 kids who wind up monstrously tall with big asses.
4.) Actual reporting is no longer necessary with the advent of social media and normal people acting as paparazzi. I now know that Ashton and Demi are breaking up based solely on whether or not they tweeted each other a happy anniversary. Even more important, Demi “unfollowed” Ashton for a short time. Oh, and she’s trying too hard to be sexy because she’s paranoid over their age difference. This, according to “a source close to the couple.”
5.) Ryan Gosling doesn’t think he’s attractive, but people think he is because he plays lead roles in romantic films.
6.) Two people I’ve never heard of got married in some amazing location in Napa and spent enough money on the ceremony to buy me two houses.
7.) Celebrities often wear the same dress as other celebrities and it’s up to 100 people in Times Square to determine who looked better. Those 100 people are almost always wrong.
8.) There’s trouble with the latest Bachelor or Bachelorette. He or she hasn’t married the person they chose to spend the rest of their life with after spending a few short hours alone with said companion while making out and/or sleeping with other contestants.
9.) Beyonce is still pregnant. Oh! And look how cute she looks in maternity clothes even though she’s not showing yet!
10.) Celebrities’ kids have play dates together. All the frigging time.
11.) I can learn 25 things I didn’t know about someone I don’t like. I can also find out what celebrity women carry in their gigantic $10,000 handbags.
12.) In happy news, Idris Elba may be in consideration to play the next James Bond. A black Bond? Love it!
13.) Unlike Beyonce, some celebrities have already had their babies. And they take those babies out in public. And we see pictures of them. Oh – and Suri Cruise wears makeup and high heels at the age of 5.
14.) Heidi Klum and Seal are happily married. And they’re not afraid to talk about it.
15.) Kristen “K-Stew” Stewart knows how to ride a horse.
16.) Celebrities go to the grocery store just like the rest of us!
17.) Drew Barrymore wants to get married. She’s “Ready for a Wedding” even though she hasn’t gotten engaged. But in sad news, Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio broke up after a minutes-long relationship.
18.) Mariah Carey likes cupcakes. She also once had a life-size ice sculpture of herself for a birthday party for herself that she hosted herself.
19.) Prince William and Kate do amazing things for charity, but who cares about that when we can talk about Pippa??
20.) Alexis Stewart really hates her mom, Martha. She hates her so much, she wrote a scathing book about growing up with the future federal prisoner. Martha knows her daughter hates her and she doesn’t care.
The most amazing thing about all the stuff that I’ve learned from Us Weekly is that I learned it all in one single issue. Can’t wait for next week’s!