As a child/teen of the ’80s, I’ve found that movies like the John Waters classics from my favorite decade just don’t exist anymore. There simply isn’t a group of young 20-something actors worthy of carrying on the title of Brat Packer.
So, because I’m obnoxious, I’ve decided to take a few ’80s classic Brat Pack films and recast them with today’s actors. There will be repeat casting, just as there was in the ’80s. And the more annoying the actor, the better. So, without further ado….
THE BREAKFAST CLUB:
THE JOCK: Taylor Lautner – because he’s got some killer abs.
THE BRAIN: Justin Bieber – because he’s a twerp.
THE CRIMINAL: Robert Pattinson – because he’s all dark and broody.
THE PRINCESS: Blake Lively – because she pulls off the snotty rich bitch really well on Gossip Girl.
THE FREAK: Taylor Momsen – because the girl is a total train wreck in real life.
PONYBOY: Nick Jonas – because he’s the youngest of three brothers.
JOHNNY: Jaden Smith – because we need some people of color in this movie, dammit!
DALLAS: Shia LaBeouf – I don’t know. The role sort of suits his badass persona.
SODAPOP: Zac Efron – because he kind of reminds me of a young Rob Lowe.
DARREL: George Clooney – because didn’t Patrick Swayze seem kind of ancient compared to the rest of those cute kids?
CHERRY: Emma Stone – because she has red hair. I really like her as an actress, so she doesn’t really fit my “obnoxious” requirement, but who cares?
PRETTY IN PINK:
ANDIE: Rebecca Black – because, I don’t know, she made her own “hit” single, so maybe her character could make her own “hit” clothes.
DUCKIE: Justin Bieber – because who could resist this annoying little moppet with his hair in a giant pompadour?
BLAINE: Chace Crawford – because I can see him waffling back and forth between being a sweetheart and a total douche.
STEFF: Robert Pattinson – again, because he’s dark and brooding.
ST. ELMO’S FIRE:
KIRBY: Daniel Radcliffe – because, assuming he can pull off an American accent, he’d do okay playing the dullest and most forgettable of all the characters in this movie.
BILLY: Kenny G – because he may not fit the age group, but he plays the sax in the most annoying way possible and thinks he’s better than he really is.
KEVIN: Justin Bieber – because his friends believed the character of Kevin was secretly gay. Kevin was another forgettable character and I hope one day Biebs will be forgotten, too.
JULES: Ali Lohan – because Linsday is her sister, so you know she knows how to play a troubled alcoholic.
ALEC: Shia LaBeof – because, I don’t know. I couldn’t think of anyone else for this role.
LESLIE: Kendall Jenner – because she may not technically be a Kardashian, but we’re still supposed to keep up with her. Leslie was one of those types you had to keep up with, only not as horribly as the Ks.
WENDY: Miley Cyrus – because the character of Wendy was so soft-spoken, it would be nice to watch a film in which Miley has to shut the hell up.
YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF PART ONE OF MY MULTI-PART MINIBLOG ON TODAY’S ACTORS IN YESTERDAY’S MOVIES.