This morning I headed to my car to go to work and came upon this:
Yes. It’s a doll. And it was in my driveway. Right near the walkway to my front door. Which leads me to believe that some child or perverted doll fetishist adult was walking around my house late last night.
But I’m a good samaritan. I placed Baby Doe, as she is now called, against a lightpost and taped a little note to her tiny baby shirt.
After about an hour with no response to her query, “Are YOU my mother?” I opted to take more drastic measures and made a sign.
The sign has only been up for a little while, but I’m hoping the irresponsible mother comes forward and claims Baby Doe. I’m not prepared to be a parent, but I can’t leave an innocent baby on the street overnight. She’s only wearing a t-shirt and footies!
Of course, the first thing I did, as anyone else would do in such a situation, was go to Facebook and post all these pictures. I received several suggestions on what to do – call CPS, become an instant mommy, grab the doll by the throat and start waving it in the faces of all passers-by, yelling, “Is this your doing??” None of them seem appropriate. Perhaps some kind-hearted soul will take pity on Baby Doe and take her home with them.
She is a little underdressed for our chilly fall weather, but her clothes are clean and there are no other signs of abuse. But she’s most certainly been neglected! Who would abandon such a precious thing? It’s the ideal infant – it doesn’t cry, pee, or poop. No breast feedings required every two hours…. Honestly, she’s every mother’s dream!
The more I think about it, the more I believe I will adopt Baby Doe. Does anyone have any hand-me-downs? I don’t have a full-time job and I know her father won’t support her, even though we’re still happily married. I’m sure he’ll frown on my new idea to turn one of the rooms of our new house into a nursery.
And what do I name her?? For now, I’ll just call her Doey, I suppose. Name suggestions are welcome, but please keep them weird. The weirder, the better.
And here’s the script of the Baby Doe Saga:
ME: Holy shitballs! Someone left a baby doll in my driveway. And what the hell were they doing so close to the garage??
BABY DOE: Mommy, I’m cold.
ME: Oh, well. I’ve got to go to work. Let’s see what happens when Dave comes home and finds her.
BABY DOE: Don’t leave me, Mommy! I’m cold!
ME: (Gets in car, drives away.)
ONE HOUR LATER….
DAVE: (Gets out of car.) Holy shitballs! Someone left a baby doll in my driveway. Maybe if I toss it on the lawn, someone will come claim it.
BABY DOE: NOOOOOOOOOO! *plop*
SEVERAL HOURS LATER:
ME: (Gets out of car.) I wonder what happened to that baby … Oh, there she is. What’s she doing in the middle of the lawn?
BABY DOE: Mommy! Help me! The grass is all pokey on my delicate plastic baby skin.
ME: (Entering house.) Dave, what’s the deal with that doll? Did you toss her on the lawn.
DAVE: Yeah. I figured someone would come by and pick her up.
(Distant infant wails can be heard in the distance.)
ME: Oh. Well. Okay then.
ME: I’m going to tape a note to this thing and see if someone comes to claim her.
BABY DOE: Silence. She’s too cold to speak and the hypothermia is starting to set in. Either that or she’s being totally passive-aggressive with the whole silent treatment thing.
ME: Wait. No one will notice a little post-it taped to the kid. I’d better make a flyer.
BABY DOE: Silence.
I quickly whip up a flyer, complete with Baby Doe’s photograph, threatening to call CPS on the irresponsible parent who ditched her innocent baby. And trespassed on my property to do it.
Photos are taken and posted on Facebook and my job is done. Except now I’m somone’s mommy.