If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

Creepy baby monkey will give me nightmares tonight October 22, 2011

Filed under: Shopping,Susie's World — susieworld @ 3:01 AM

I nearly tossed my TV Guide across the room in absolute terror when I came across a full-page ad for this:

This monkey is creeeeepy!

Note that Baby Babu “sucks” its thumb.  CREEEEPY!  And “she” also has “Real Touch (TM)” vinyl skin.  So monkeys feel like the backseat of a 1974 Pinto?  Okay.

So of course I immediately had to visit the Ashton Drake website to find out more about this not-so-adorable baby monkey and found SO MANY OTHER CREEPY DOLLS.  Creepy enough to make me miss Baby Doe all over again.  There are other monkey dolls available, like Mollie here:

Mollie has BLUE eyes. I don't know of any real monkeys with blue eyes. Is this a Planet of the Apes thing?

Mollie is described as “realistic” and a “toddler.”  Or a monkey for toddlers.  I’m not really sure.  But she costs 150 bucks!  No toddler should have a toy worth 150 bucks.  Not even Tori Spelling’s toddlers.

But wait!  There’s more!  Check out the following horribly frightening baby collectibles and ask yourself one simple question: Who the hell buys this shit??

"Imani" apparently became an evangelical Christian at a very young age. Even her blankie is all preachy! Plus, she "sings" Jesus loves me, but her voice probably sounds like a music box. Odd talent for a toddler.

"Nizhoni" is allegedly a Native American baby doll. But I think she looks like she was dressed for Halloween by racist vinyl parents.

This little guy, possibly Nizhoni's adopted baby brother, doesn't even have a name! He's just a member of the "Small in Size, Great in Spirit" collection. Poor little disturbing thing!

This little guy looks really disappointed in his team. And rightfully so. Have you seen the point spread for the Indy game this weekend??

Okay, I've seen Snow White and those dwarfs never looked like this! They are ugly now and were certainly ugly then, or so I imagine. they are in all their creepy, vinyl glory. Or maybe these are just 7 of Jon & Kate's 8 kids and the brattiest one didn't get a doll.

If I had a gazillion dollars, I’d buy up the entire Ashton Drake collection and keep them all in my guest room to scare people into not staying for more than one night.  Because it’s really an imposition.



2 Responses to “Creepy baby monkey will give me nightmares tonight”

  1. Bryan Liberty Says:

    LOL! I love “Mollie is described as “realistic” and a “toddler.” Or a monkey for toddlers” !!! What do you get for that childless, unmarried Aunt who always smells like pet food? A lifelike vinyl monkey doll, of course! This is hilarious… you make the dolls sound so funny I’m actually considering buying one. What have you done to me?!?

    • susieworld Says:

      If I had a gazillion dollars, I’d get a shitload of these creepy dolls and dedicate a room to them. One super special creepy doll would be dedicated to the guest room.

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