Yes, ladies and gentlemen. My semi-regular Us Weekly “column” is BACK! I know you’ve been dying to know what’s REALLY going on with the D-List celebs of Tinseltown, so let’s get started, shall we?
1.) Khole Kardashian will do ANYTHING for a baby. Really? ANYTHING?? I hope that includes sleeping with your husband, you miserable tramp, because that’s the way it’s usually done. But I don’t like to make fun of infertility, so…
2.) Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe’s older unmarried sister is knocked up again, rubbing salt in poor Khloe’s herpes wounds. Kourtney is preggers with her douchey boyfriend Scott Disick’s kid. Apparently no one has felt the need to tell the guy that his look went out of style when TV movies about rich, white country club boys doing bad things in the 1980s stopped being made. In the ’80s.
3.) Joan Rivers hasn’t been funny in 35 years. In her “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” story, she says, “If I could change one thing about my appearance … too late. I’ve already done it!” Technically JOAN didn’t do it, her blind plastic surgeon did. THAT would be something we didn’t know about her – that her plastic surgeon was blind. It would explain a lot.
4.) If you’re a Victoria’s Secret model, chances are you will win the “Who Wore it Best” contest. Also, Us Weekly must have a standing order with the same 100 people in Rockefeller Center who always make the wrong choice in another “Who Wore it Best” contest. There are usually three pages dedicated to this topic, so if you’re a second-rate actress, make sure you don’t wear the same dress as someone better looking than you, or your self-esteem will be knocked down several pegs by 100 strangers who regularly hang out in Rockefeller Center.
5.) Dylan McDermott likes to get naked for the camera. I’m totally fine with this.
6.) Angelina Jolie likes to go out with her kids a lot. But I learned this is LAST week’s issue of Us Weekly. And the week before’s, and the week before that’s….
7.) There is a mutiny at “Glee.” Apparently Ryan Murphy, the show’s creator, is a gay Hitler. (Couldn’t go an entire blog without an inappropriate Hitler comparison.) The teenage cast, which is really made up of people pushing 30, have to work really long hours – just like people who work on other TV shows. They also claim they’re grossly underpaid – just like our nation’s teachers. Oh, and Ryan Murphy allegedly yelled at Kristen Chenowyth. KRISTIN CHENOWYTH, PEOPLE! NO ONE YELLS AT KRISTIN CHENOWYTH! (But bloggers can “yell” about her with that handy-dandy All Caps keyboard feature.)
8.) Robert Pattinson was caught with …. Oh wait. I skipped that article.
9.) Teen moms of today are getting fame and fortune thanks to MTV. Gone are the days when their contemporaries would just call them sluts and shun them for their irresponsibility.
10.) Charlize Theron may be beautiful, but she only gets Oscar buzz for playing awful people.
BONUS US WEEKLY LESSON:
11.) That “New Year’s Eve” movie apparently doesn’t just LOOK bad. It IS bad. The reviewers at Us Weekly are usually overly kind in their critiques. I’m sure A Very Brady Movie got 5 out of 5 stars. But New Year’s Eve only got 1.5.