susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly – Christmas Edition December 20, 2011

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 11:14 AM

Look! The Jersey Shore cast can make your Christmas tree smell more like a blend of stale cigarettes and Four Loko!

My new issue arrived yesterday and I immediately read it cover to cover. Okay – I just looked at pictures and read the captions because the magazine is basically just pictures with captions so you have no choice. But ANYWAY…

1.)     The cover story headline is priceless. I couldn’t care less about how Will and Kate are spending their royal Christmas, but this headline left me wanting more: “CHRISTMAS AT THE PALACE: HER PARENTS AREN’T INVITED.” Maybe the Middletons will get out their gloves and beat the crap out of the Queen for Boxing Day. Oh. That’s not the boxing Boxing Day is about? Oh, well. It’s a good idea nevertheless.

2.)     Nobody in India knows or cares who Tom Cruise is. Apparently, when he went there to promote Mission Impossible: Turns Out it’s Possible, everyone who was at the airport to cheer his name was PAID – $3 and a buffet lunch. I’d jump on a couch for three bucks and a buffet!

3.)     You can get Jersey Shore Christmas ornaments from MTV. Yes – little guido figurines to hang on your tree. And Mike “The Situation” is even flashing his little hand-crafted abs!

4.)     Larry King wants to be frozen and brought back to life. I cannot emphasize enough how disturbing this is.

5.)     Mariah Carey will never stop dressing like a skank.

6.)     Stars! They’re just like “Us!” Because they eat ice cream, touch up their lipstick, take their kids to see Santa, go shoe shopping, and carry their own children. I’m practically a celebrity myself because I watch TV, drive a car, and think people care about my tweets.

7.)     Seeing pictures of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez kissing makes me feel like a pedophile.

8.)     Celebrities clearly don’t love their children based on the names they choose. “Apple” is so 2000-and-late. Now we have “Bear” and “Monroe & Morroccan.”

Surprisingly, there wasn’t much else to learn in this issue. Too many pictures, not enough captions. Better luck next week, I guess.

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