If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned from reading TV Guide (and Us Weekly) or EEEEWWWW! Nasty! December 29, 2011

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 9:49 PM

This week’s issue of Us Weekly looked a little skimpy and it had J Lo on the cover – a tired old story about her and her uber-controlling ex, Marc Anthony wanting to take custody of the kids. Since this is Us Weekly, I don’t believe a word of it, but it’s worth writing about anyway because maybe I LEARNED something.

But this week’s TV Guide, despite its pledge to provide TV schedules that we all get on our cable or satellite provided TVs, is a little more informative this week, so get a load of THIS!

  1.)     Mad Men is finally coming back! And viewers still care, despite the 17-month gap between seasons. Not even January Jones’ poor acting skills can keep me away from this show. Hell, not even knowing January Jones is kind of a bitch in real life and is sort of mean to the kid actors on set will keep me away. My husband doesn’t understand the appeal of Mad Men. That makes me like it a little bit more for some reason.

  2.)     Howard Stern has been named as the new judge for “America’s Got Talent.” I think it’s an appropriate choice because I think a better name for this show would be “America’s Got Weirdos.”

3.)     TV Guide somehow determined that the average American household contains 3.01 television sets. I don’t know how the .01 comes into play, but clearly TV Guide has never been to my house. In my house, we have three TVs in the family room alone. Yes. True story. My husband has a bit of a sports addiction, so we have one regular TV and two emergency backup TVs in case of a breakout of college basketball or hockey while something better is available for me/us to watch on TiVo. Tonight, for example, all three of them are on – and they all have sports playing. It’s college bowl season.

These are actual TVs in my actual family room.

4.)     E!, the network that brought you the True Hollywood Story about people you never cared about in the first place, dedicated 32 hours of television to Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries – a marriage that lasted 72 days. The coverage of their marriage totaled 1.8% of the length of the marriage. My husband with all the TVs is also really good at math.

5.)     Tragically hip Sarah Jessica Parker is more tragic than hip. Sorry. This isn’t news.

6.)     There is a “Battle of the Hunks” about to occur at the Golden Globes. Best Actor in a Drama nods have gone out to Ryan Gosling (meh), George Clooney (maybe 10 years ago), Leonardo DiCaprio (maybe 15 years ago), Brad Pitt (lost his sexy when he hooked up with Angelina), and Michael Fassbender (who??). I hope Fassbender wins solely on principle.

7.)     Tom Cruise may have to pay people to be his fans in India, but he still makes crazy couch-jumpable romantic gestures for his Scientology-chosen Frankenbride Katie Holmes. He painted her name on his private jet, defamed a Dubai skyscraper by painting her name on it, and bought out a restaurant to have a private anniversary dinner with her. No word on whether or not he painted her name anywhere.

8.)     Charlie Sheen was not “winning” on Twitter when he totally fucked up and posted his cell phone number for all to see. Needless to say, he got a shitload of calls within seconds from desperate people who think calling Charlie Sheen is a good idea. The phone number was intended for Justin Bieber, who should know better than to call a guy who hasn’t been arrested for pedophilia – yet.

9.)     Disgusting quote from Kate Winslet about ‘Titanic’ being re-released in 3-D: “It’s exciting to think that a whole ne.. generation of young men and women … who may have been conceived after a date night of a couple going to see ‘Titanic’ … will be seeing it.” Said children can scream in unison: EEEEWWWW! Nasty!

10.)  I don’t like to give the Kardashians more than one paragraph in my blogs, but did you see their Christmas card photo? Again, EEEEWWWW! Nasty! And now I hear Kim’s dating Kanye. All together now! EEEEWWWW!

Kreepy Kardashian Khristmas



One Response to “What I learned from reading TV Guide (and Us Weekly) or EEEEWWWW! Nasty!”

  1. Jon Dryden Says:

    But Kate Winslet is the future Mrs. Dryden. In another lifetime. On another planet. In another universe.

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