This week’s issue was The Diet Issue. I hate this issue. But here’s what I learned:
1.) Kris Kardashian klaims she sang in her very own music video back in 1985. The song? “I Love My Friends.” Klassy, Kris. Krazy klassy!
2.) There is an actress named Fan Bingbing. I’m not kidding.
3.) Katie Holmes actually calls Victoria Beckham before events so they can coordinate their outfits. I do this with my friends all the time! Okay, it’s been a while. I haven’t done it since 7th grade.
4.) Duchess Kate gets photographed a lot. Oftentimes she’s wearing some ridiculous hat.
5.) Mariah Carey dresses like a 19-year-old hooker. Even in ads for Jenny Craig.
6.) Kendra and Hank Baskett work out. (Insert LMFAO lyric here.)
7.) Red jeans are really in. I was clued into this fad by my friend Ericka, who wasn’t wearing them, thank God. I haven’t worn red jeans since my mother used to buy me Toughskins at Sears in the ‘70s.
8.) Besides being the most boring TV host alive, Maria Menounos really likes vodka.
9.) Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves are getting married. I don’t much see the point, but whatevs.
10.) Backstreet Boy and former rehab resident AJ McLean had a goth wedding.
11.) Mark Wahlberg is a family man. Having a wife and kids will do that to a guy.
12.) American Idol runner up David Archuleta, 21, is leaving music to become a Mormon missionary. At least he has enough money to buy a trunkload of short-sleeved shirts and skinny ties.
13.) I would like to sue the company that is suing Snooki for reneging on a deal to produce “merchandise lines.” She’s doing you a favor, SRG Ventures. She’s doing us ALL a favor!
14.) Gerard Butler was hospitalized after getting pummeled by a wave while filming a movie. The movie is about a guy from my hometown of Santa Cruz, CA and I can promise you that the waves at Mavericks don’t give a damn if you’re a celebrity.
15.) James Franco has been cast as Hugh Hefner in the Linda Lovelace biopic. Shockingly, Lindsay Lohan is no longer listed in the cast.
16.) Jessica Biel appears desperate again in yet another story about Justin Timberlake not proposing.
17.) Among the year’s worst trends were denim short onesies (aka “rompers”). Khloe Kardashian was pictured in one and she looked like a slutty Amazonian toddler. No one over the age of 4 should be caught in something called a “romper.”
18.) Celebrities with millions of dollars and personal trainers at their disposal are willing to share their diet secrets with the everywoman. You, too, can “eat like a star!” Assuming everything you eat is either an egg white omelet without cheese or a thimbleful of almonds.