So the breakup of Katy Perry and Russell Brand is the cover story of this week’s issue of Us. What I learned without even cracking the cover open is that Ms. Perry is a little late to the party in which the entire world realized Russell Brand is a crazy man. Nevertheless here’s this week’s Us Weekly roundup….
1.) Katy Perry’s side of the story is that she was married to a crazy man. And he hated her friends. And he hated being Mr. Katy Perry.
2.) Sandra Bullock is ready to start dating again, thanks to her son Louis. I don’t know what a 2-year-old has to say about mommy dating, but I’d guess it wouldn’t be much.
3.) Andy Cohen, of Bravo TV fame, loves ladies with side ponies. We have something in common, as I believe side ponies should never go out of style!
4.) Crystal Harris, who is perhaps best known for her gigantic tit… uh … leaving Hugh Hefner at the altar, wants her dog back. She left Hef and the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel “Charlie” back in June and now she says he can keep the ring and the Bentley, but she suddenly wants the dog back. Sorry, Crystal. You’re a bad doggie mom for ditching the pups along with the nups.
5.) Je ne give a damn pas about what Stacy Kiebler (aka George Clooney’s future ex-girlfriend) keeps in her purse. But she does have a gum addiction and that’s important to know.
6.) Adam Sandler, Camille Grammer, Christina Hendricks, and Lady Gaga all got their starts on MTV. They appeared on Remote Control, Club MTV, Undressed, and Boiling Points, respectively. This was something I actually didn’t know and is actually somewhat interesting. Okay, not interesting anymore. Moving on…
7.) Robert Downey, Jr. met Sting in 1984 when he served the lead singer of The Police tea at a restaurant in SoHo.
8.) SNL’s Jason Sudeikis apparently has a way with the ladies. Now he’s dating Olivia Wilde, who divorced a frigging PRINCE a year or two ago. She didn’t divorce the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. She left an actual prince to date a clown.
9.) If you’re everybody who’s anybody, you’re either in Hawaii or Aspen right now. Clearly, I’m nobody. ‘Cause I’m right here, which is most certainly NOT Hawaii or Aspen.
10.) Scarlett Johansson was a really funny looking kid.
11.) The thing to do in celebrity circles is to have babies first, ask questions (like “will you marry me?”) later.
12.) Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Abrosio is about to get fat, to the delight of chubby girls everywhere. She’s preggers with Baby No. 2.
13.) Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are dating. If they decide to have babies, I hope they turn out really ugly. Doesn’t beauty skip a generation?
14.) Angelina Jolie has a lot of kids. But that’s not what I learned. I learned she’s begging the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for votes for her film “In the Land of Blood and Honey.”
15.) LeBron James is off the market. In other news, who cares?
16.) Brandi Glanville, bitter ex-wife of Eddie Cibrian and current Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, remarried in Las Vegas on New Year’s Day. Apparently, she’s just a tad impulsive because after tweeting “I’m married again – suuuuuuck it,” she admitted that the stunt was designed solely to get attention. They plan to have the union annulled if it was even legal in the first place.
17.) I’m not sure even Harry Connick, Jr. can make me interested in Law & Order: SVU again. That show ran its course about five years ago.
18.) Don’t fly or you could die. Lesson learned from Heavy D., whose death has been attributed to a pulmonary embolism that likely developed on a flight from London to LA.
19.) I take back what I said last week about the constantly jilted Jessica Biel. Word is that Justin Timberlake actually proposed. His agent isn’t going to like that very much. No one likes an off-the-market teen idol.
20.) Ashton Kutcher was apparently reaching Tiger Woods status on the cheating scale while married to Demi Moore.
21.) I really, REALLY don’t care about The Bachelor. And he’s kind of ugly.
22.) There are a lot of really bad shows that have somehow made it onto television. And not all of them are Jersey Shore.
23.) The best way stars burn calories is by hiring high-paid fitness trainers, then telling readers they can do the same thing!
24.) Get ready for winter (which has yet to arrive in California) by getting a really, REALLY bright coat. Look like a peacock because that’s what Jennifer Lopez looks like.
25.) Long hair is in. Shaggy bobs are out. I feel for all the poor people who just got shaggy bobs before being told this crucial information. Fortunately, I was not one of them.
And now, back to the grind of another week. I bid you adieu until my next issue arrives or until I come up with some other brilliant thing to blog about.