If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I Learned by Reading Us Weekly (or: I Should Look into Higher Education) January 16, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 6:53 PM

Seriously. Why are girls so hot for THIS??

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake is officially off the market. Who cares? YOU DO! That’s why you’re reading this blog!

1.)          J-Tim (which is what he lets me call him) is apparently not to be trusted. He’s got a roving eye for the ladies and Jessica had better beware. Of course, if she hasn’t figured out that he’s a dog by now, she likely never will.

2.)          Sienna Miller is having a baby! And the father isn’t a happily married man or Jude Law. Sienna’s sister is all excited because she’s preggers, too, (with her third bambino) and she believes they’ll practically be giving birth in the same room. The fetus father is also totally tight with Robert Pattinson, though I’m not sure how that matters.

3.)          Megan Fox, Eva Longoria, and Kate Walsh all worked at fast-food restaurants before they became mildly talented, much-photographed celebs. Megan Fox was even given the option to wear an apple or banana costume because she worked at a smoothie joint. She says she always chose the banana costume because it’s phallic. No. I kid. It was because “it was thinner.” Even people dressed as fruit can be vain, I suppose.

4.)          If their lives were made into movies, here’s who these celebs would cast as themselves. Fortunately, I don’t think anyone would pay to see the films, so they’ll never be made.

  1. Justin Timberlake as Elton John
  2. Hilary Duff as Kylie Minogue
  3. Marisa Tomei as Lady Gaga
  4. Gabourey Sidibe as Whoopi Goldberg

5.)          Angelina Jolie left the house with one of her kids again. This one was armed with a toy gun.

6.)          Who’s that Raymond guy? ‘Cause everyone loves Betty White and can’t seem to stop talking about her. Like remaining lucid at 90 is a big deal. Sheesh.

7.)          OMG! OMG! OMG! Wills and Kate went to the movies!!!!!!

8.)          Scary-thin Leann Rimes apparently has her diet controlled by her husband – the one she started seeing while they were both married. He orders her steamed veggies for her. Isn’t that sweet?

9.)          Gossip Girl is filming its 100th episode and I’m proud to say I’ve watched every one. Okay, maybe proud isn’t the right word. These aren’t the kind of records that’ll get me in the books.

10.)      Famous ladies wear some really fucked up shoes. Really fucked up.

11.)      Kingston Rossdale, the adorable spawn of Gwen Stefani, likes to have his fingernails polished.

12.)      The Bachelor “winner” Vienna Girardi had a tattoo removed. It was a fairy on her hip. I don’t know why someone would want to get rid of a design that clearly has such deep meaning.

13.)      Famous gay people are getting married! Woohoo! Congratulations to Alan Cumming and Isaac Mizrahi. I find Isaac completely irritating, but Alan released a fragrance called “Cumming” and as a result has my utmost respect and adoration.

14.)      Katy Perry “demands that (Russell) Brand get his possessions out of her sight.” Just because he’s addicted to drugs and sex doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have a place to keep his crack pipe and leather undies.

15.)      Okay, back to my good friend J-Tim. He has flirted and likely slept with Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Olivia Munn, Kate Hudson, Ciara, and Rihanna. Many of these relationships were while he was allegedly with Jessica Biel. Tell me why he’s not to be trusted again?

16.)      One of MTV’s teen moms is going to be a teen mom again. 19-year-old Leah Messer, who already has twins by her ex-husband, is knocked up again. Word is her IUD failed. I’m not one to get preachy, but maybe not being such a little slut would prevent pregnancy. (I kid, again.)

17.)      A friend of a friend was evicted from the maternity ward so Beyonce could have Jay-Z’s baby. The fact that they’re denying all these rumors that they demanded special treatment leads me to believe that they demanded special treatment. Meanwhile, they named their daughter “Blue.”

18.)      Drew Barrymore and Halle Berry are ENGAGED! Also, Adele has found love. Finally. The headline reads Adele: How She Finally Found Love. Apparently, being single and 21 is virtual spinsterhood!

19.)      There’s a bunch of stuff about The Bachelor that I probably didn’t know, but I didn’t read the article.

20.)      People can’t stop talking about Mark Wahlberg being a dad. The dude’s got four kids and a wife, so this is not exactly newsworthy, yet every magazine I got this week has a story on Marky-Mark the family man.

21.)      All the Kardashians like to wear bow ties.

22.)      And in advertising news, “super-powerful ‘diet pills’” are making a comeback. I’m scared. Because the words “diet pills” were actually in quotation marks.


5 Responses to “What I Learned by Reading Us Weekly (or: I Should Look into Higher Education)”

  1. Wow… Justin sure sleeps with the most beautiful women in the world… pretty impressive considering he’s homosexual. And I guess those rumors about Jessica Alba being a lebbie were all false… It just goes to show you: you never get the real story until you read Us Weekly! 🙂

  2. Congratulations to Halle Berry and Drew Barrymore coming out! Fantastic that they’re getting married!

  3. Bryan Liberty Says:

    I was in the checkout line yesterday and found myself looking at an Us Weekly… I burst out laughing thinking of these posts. 🙂

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