If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

I learn a lot from Us. And People. (or: Your relationship will fail. They all do.) January 24, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 9:54 PM

Us Weekly isn’t even enough for this week’s edition. This is all about what I learned from the glossy pictures in Us AND the heartwarming stories from People Weekly. I’m so glad they’re weekly. Otherwise, I’d NEVER blog. So….

With all the face-sucking these two did, who'da thunk it'd be over just like that?

OH. MY. GOD. Everyone is breaking up! All these people whose relationships make the world go ‘round are splitting!!! And I don’t know what to do with myself. Heidi Klum and Seal’s breakup was nicely timed – right between press times – so I can’t talk about them except to say that my friend Michael spotted Seal on “Ellen” singing “Let’s Stay Together,” more famously performed by Al Green. Um…poor timing? Bad choices? You be the judge. In other breakup news…..

1.)               Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have split. Their relationship has lasted longer than anyone would have imagined being that he’s Johnny Depp (who makes me all gooey inside), the man who was once famous for trashing hotel rooms and owning the bar outside which River Phoenix died of an overdose. Yeah, he’s gotten all weird and French and stuff, but he’s Johnny Depp, man! Apparently, according to People, he has allowed people to photograph themselves with him and he’s all courteous and stuff. Not the Johnny Depp I know! Clearly something is wrong. He’s single. Or just one-half of a “free-spirited couple.”

2.)               Katy Perry’s face graces the cover of Us Weekly. Yet the story is about “Russell’s Shocking Tell-All.” I have yet to read the story because my job with this blog is to breeze through the magazine, occasionally read a snapshot caption, and comment like I’m better than these people. Which, of course, I am.

3.)               Paula Deen, queen of butter, is diabetic. Diabetes sucks. Perhaps the hardest part of the disease for those of us who are lucky enough not to have it is to hear Wilford Brimley’s pronunciation. But Paula Deen’s recipes, such as “Deep Fried Stuffing on a Stick” contain enough fat grams to cover a day’s serving. She’s only teaching people to cook to BECOME diabetic, not to cook FOR the diabetic.

4.)               The Justin Bieber movie made Duchess Kate “cry like a little schoolgirl.” I am biting back so many thoughts on this because Kate’s practically a princess and I’m practically a princess, so I don’t want to ruin either of our standings in the royalty realm.

5.)               Insane stat of the week: “When Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow threw his 80-yard pass to top the Pittsburgh Steelers January 8, the apostolic athlete, 24, also scored a social media win. He beat Beyonce’s celeb record for tweets per second with 9,420! She inspired 8,868 hits per second when she announced her pregnancy.”

6.)               STOP THE PRESSES! Denise Richards has designed a pair of pink pumps!!! Oh, okay. I guess I should mention all of the proceeds from the sale of the shoes will go to the Kidney Cancer Association.

7.)               Lea Michele, known best for “Glee,” will be the latest model for Candies. I wonder how they’ll exploit her clean teen image.

8.)               Christie Brinkley turns 58 on Groundhog Day. 58!!!!! Holy frijoles, she looks good!

9.)               In LOL news, Cameron Diaz and Diddy (aka Puff Daddy, aka P. Diddy, aka Sean “Puffy” Combs) are totally hooking up. She was witnessed “STRADDLING him” at a party. A witness said, “her hair was all crazy, her makeup was smeared, and they made out in front of EVERYONE.” (Caps used by me for EMPHASIS.) “She was acting like a teenager.” Somehow none of this surprises me. Cameron seems desperate and “Diddy” seems like the kind of phony who wants a hot white girl on his arm at his white parties.

10.)           I have finally come to the pages about “Russell’s Shocking Tell-All,” and there’s nothing to tell. The shock is that the tell-all hasn’t been written yet and Us Weekly chose four pages, mostly of giant pictures, to explain that Russell is usually very open about stuff and will probably write a tell-all. But there’s no tell-all here.

11.)           Poor Heather Locklear. She kind of seems to be losing it. And that sucks.

12.)           Forget breakups! Let’s talk hookups! Apparently there are rumors (old by now) that Chris Brown and Rihanna have gotten back together. How many times does a guy have to slap you around to get you to back off??? (Seriously – WTF is she thinking???)

13.)           Emily Maynard is going to be the next Bachelorette. I don’t know who she is and I don’t care.

14.)           House is on its last legs. I could have told you this a few seasons ago, but Us Weekly came up with it all on its own.

15.)           I cannot do justice to the “Fashion Police” photo of Patricia Arquette. She is wearing a white t-shirt under a maroon toga and carrying a blue/red plaid coat. Her purse is beige and her boots are white. I’ve never seen anything like it unless it was on Bjork.


6 Responses to “I learn a lot from Us. And People. (or: Your relationship will fail. They all do.)”

  1. Jon Dryden Says:

    Rihanna must be an idiot, although she looks great in her latest viddy. I wish Heather and you luck and health. Cameron must be an idiot as well, as went out with A-Roid. If I was a gal, I’d hit Johnny Depp.
    And so it goes.

  2. Jon Dryden Says:

    Do you think Seal will be scarred for life?

  3. Emily Says:

    LMAO! Good blog, Susie.

    I have to say, Duchess Kate made a very diplomatic statement there. Very classy. Yes, Justin Beaver makes a lot of people cry. She didn’t say if it was a “I’m so touched watching this touching film that is touching” cry, or a “Every time that kid sings I want to jam an icepick into my ears and stir” cry.

    So really, very nice statement from the princess.

  4. How do you come up with such wonderful insight and clarity by just reading the photo captions? You must be “touched” in a special way. I always learn so much from your weekly “US” blog! Love you!

  5. Bryan Liberty Says:

    I will comment when I stop laughing 😀

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