If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I will never do anything stupid enough to be written about in Us Weekly) January 28, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 2:32 PM

I made this picture huge so you can see the war wounds on Seal's face.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are out with the kids. Again. Angie was teaching the kids about all the wonderful things you can get at the farmer’s market. Fascinating! This – and much, much more – is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)               The cover, as you might guess, is a giant picture of Heidi Klum and Seal. When a picture of Seal is that big you can really see that it looks as though he was blown up in a war. The headline is “Heidi’s Private Hell.” Maybe her hell was having to look at those scars every day and imagine the trauma he must have sustained to get them. Apparently, the happy marriage and amazing sex she spent years making public was all a sham. I don’t see how that can really be true since she gave birth to three of his children, but it’s in Us Weekly, so it must be true. According to one of those unnamed sources, “They were so in love! But a lot happened behind the scenes. He’s a very tough guy in a lot of ways.” He was apparently jealous of her success. BFD!

2.)               Also on the cover is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ own Taylor Armstrong, who talks about her memoir in which she claims her dead husband Russell tried to kill her. Honestly, I can’t make fun of this because spousal abuse and suicide are no laughing matter. But I bet Russell’s family is PISSED. Meanwhile, RHOBH housewife and glorious train wreck Kim Richards is still out of rehab. Not sure if she’s still sober. Since she’s been in rehab a handful of times already, I have a feeling a return visit is in her future. I hope it doesn’t take, because she’s much more entertaining when she’s denying she’s on something than when she’s not actually on something.

3.)               Did a baby save Kristin Cavillari’s engagement? There’s nothing like getting knocked up to keep a man. Especially if you’re a classy broad like Kristin, a rich bitch MTV reality superstar not quite on the Kardashian level. Now she’s become one of those horrible people who are famous for no reason and dating a football player. Poor Jay Cutler. He should have used a condom.

4.)               “Bachelor Ben” has reportedly falling into “Courtney’s Web of Deceit.” I positively abhor the entire “Bachelor” franchise, but this headline is too fascinating to skip reading the story. Courtney is the “meanest contestant ever?” Yeah. It’s a question posed by Us Weekly. Obviously, I don’t watch the show, so I have nothing to compare her to. But she sounds like just another catty bitch snarking about all the other girls while being desperate enough herself to land a husband on TV. ‘Cause THAT always works. Look at the success record of The Bachelor. Not one marriage that has lasted, if one ever happened at all.

5.)               You might want to sit down for this one. Snooki is actually a pretty girl when she doesn’t pile on the makeup.

6.)               Another classic headline: “A ’16 and Pregnant’ Star’s Big Regrets.” I’d imagine she’d only have one – getting pregnant at 16.

7.)               OMG, Mariah Carey! Please get a stylist who isn’t blind and start dressing like you’re not 23 anymore. You’re just gross. That is all.

8.)               Prince William is going to take a “scary trip” that will keep him away from the little woman for SIX WHOLE WEEKS. I don’t know if that’s the part about the trip that makes it so scary, though.

9.)               Katie Couric and Drake are Twitter friends. So are Ashton Kutcher and Michelle Obama, and, creepiest of all, Charlie Sheen and Miley Cyrus.

10.)           Last, but certainly not least, Mark Wahlberg, 40, told Men’s Journal that he would have prevented 9/11 if he were on one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center. Apparently, he was booked on one of the flights and changed his plans at the last minute. I will not make light of 9/11, but he actually said this: “[If I were on the plane], it wouldn’t have gone down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in the first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely.’” Then people got pissed off and he took it all back.

Until next week….don’t get pregnant at 16 to save your engagement to a guy you met on reality television who beats you because you dress too young for your age and body type, then go on a scary trip with Charlie Sheen. And, most importantly, don’t go bragging to the press about a perfect marriage when you’re secretly really unhappy. It just makes you look foolish.


One Response to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I will never do anything stupid enough to be written about in Us Weekly)”

  1. Bryan Liberty Says:

    The last paragraph… finally: the meaning of life!

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