If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

People, PLEASE! January 31, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 9:00 PM

Welcome to my new feature – a blog about the stupid shit that is printed in People Weekly. Ah, but it’s People, so it will also include heartwarming stories about heroism while The Bachelor is on the cover. I would like to give mad props to my friend Sarah for coming up with the title of this new feature. So, without further adieu….


1.)          The inspiration for this new SusieWorld feature is the cover story about Heidi Klum and Seal’s breakup. People implied that, while the couple was informing their children of the sad news, the rest of the world was learning to cope with it, too. Because, yeah. Millions of complete strangers are just as affected by this as the COUPLE’S OWN CHILDREN. Totally. Oh, also I learned that Seal’s facial scars are the result of a childhood case of lupus.


2.)          Holy crap! Angelina Jolie is photographed out with her kids AGAIN! You’d think all she EVER does is be with her children based on the coverage of her being with her children. Oh, wait. She’s a mother. She probably enjoys spending time with her children.


3.)          Rihanna really likes paddle boarding. People enjoys running pictures of her on a paddle board in the least amount of clothing possible. Also, Rihanna enjoys wearing thong bikinis. But I learned that in Us. OOPS! Cheating!


4.)          Tim Roth, Willem Dafoe, Adrien Brody, and Gary Oldman walked the runway for Prada during Men’s Fashion Week. I had no idea there WAS a Men’s Fashion Week. Brody looked like Alan Cumming in his pic, but the rest looked pretty decent.


5.)          Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are “a world apart.” If that means he’s on another planet, I will go there. And I want to be the first human to be introduced to Johnny on another planet. If People is just referring to the moon, well, Newt Gingrich has plans for timeshares up there, so I’m not interested.


6.)          Jay-Z and Warren Buffett are totally tight. It’s a bromance. You can tell by the hand gestures Buffett makes in the photos.


7.)          Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s daughter Bella has met a very nice Scientology boy.


8.)          Jim Carrey’s daughter, Jane, auditioned for American Idol and OMG! SHE WENT TO HOLLYWOOD! Not that it’s a big deal since she probably grew up there.


9.)          Cindy Crawford’s 10-year-old daughter Kaia is getting into modeling. She’s stunning! But looks just like her mother, which means she looks 30.


10.)      Kelly Preston is a walking miracle. She had a baby at 48 and promptly lost all the baby weight. Maybe there IS something to this Scientology bullshit!


11.)      Joe Paterno died. It’s sad for Penn State fans. As to the Sandusky scandal, it was only mentioned as a “complicated legacy.”


12.)      HOLY FRIJOLES! Elizabeth Smart is engaged! You may remember this sweet Mormon girl as the long-time victim of kidnappers who survived and was reunited with her family. Now 24, there is nothing to report on the engagement story because Smart values her privacy. Yet, People managed to pull together one really long two-column paragraph about it.


13.)      Drew Barrymore is engaged and maybe this one will stick.


14.)      Gabrielle Giffords’ decision to leave Congress after surviving being shot in the head managed to get a tiny story on the page about births and deaths and court cases in celeb-land.


15.)      The captain of the Italian cruise ship that sank is a giant jackass.


16.)      “Fracking.” Have you heard of it? I have. I wrote a story about it. It’s the scary/dangerous act of “digging” for natural gas. And there’s a town in Pennsylvania where the flippin’ water catches on FIRE coming out of the tap as a result of fracking. HOLY WATER ON FIRE, BATMAN!


17.)      A teacher in Montana has disappeared. She has not been found, yet two arrests have been made in the case. I’m baffled. Saddened by her disappearance, but baffled that arrests could be made on kidnapping charges without probable cause. At least none that I could find in the story. So much for presumed innocence until proven guilty.


18.)      Christina Ricci was the theme of the People Weekly crossword puzzle.


19.)      Adele, for all her amazing talent, is one humble chick.


20.)      Things Kanye West has actually said regarding the Grammys:

a.)          Everybody wants to know what I would do if I didn’t win. I guess we’ll never know.

b.)         I’ve been working on this thing they told me about – humbleness. Humility. I don’t like it.

c.)          Whenever you say, “I want to be Elvis,” they say, “What’s wrong with you?” But I want to be Elvis.


21.)      Taylor Swift got to meet Paul McCartney. I guess Paul will meet nearly anyone these days, so why not me?

This man is a genius.


Comments welcome! What’s your favorite Paul McCartney/Beatles song? Mine for solo Paul is “Maybe I’m Amazed.” My Beatles Paul fave is probably Eleanor Rigby, but there are too many to choose from.


4 Responses to “People, PLEASE!”

  1. Geri Says:

    I learned a lot this early AM while not being able to sleep. Thanks, Susie! 😉

  2. Bryan Liberty Says:

    Where can we read your fracking article? (Technically that wasn’t profanity.) And where can we read your other articles?

    Paul is not just a genius, he is a supergenius blessed from above. My favorite solo Paul would have to be “Maybe I’m Amazed” too.

  3. Janae Says:

    Sounds like Seal had that “curable” kind of childhood lupus. Unlike the real kind, which is incurable.

    Favorite Beatles song? Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. It has to be someone’s favorite. Why not mine?

    Frack! No reason for saying that. I just like the idea that you wrote a story about it. thanks to you, I can now use it freely and pretend to know all about the real word rather than just be a geek who watches Battlestar Galactica.

    Erm… not that I do that.

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