As it turns out, you’re never too old to get high from nitrous. This is the most important thing I learned by reading Us Weekly.
1.) There’s a raging two-faced bitch on The Bachelor. I, for one, am shocked. This show usually only attracts sweet innocent women looking for love. Right?
2.) Tim Gunn has gone 29 years without sex. This is more than I ever cared to know about Tim Gunn.
3.) Apparently, Pat Sajak and Vanna White used to go get totally smashed on margaritas before filming Wheel of Fortune. I completely respect this.
4.) Ladies wear fancy dresses to awards shows. Most of them are dreadful.
5.) Michael Jackson got a posthumous cement handprint in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. They did not use his actual hand.
6.) Tom Cruise took Suri to Disneyland and probably gave the little brat everything she wanted. I’m surprised they didn’t ask the park to close to the public for this father-daughter outing.
7.) In “It Must Be True Because I Read It In Us Weekly” news, Jennifer Aniston and her hot BF Justin Theroux are trying for a baby. This information comes directly from the mouth of “a source.”
8.) Guys! Guys! Keira Knightley has sworn off dating actors. This means you finally have a chance!
9.) Star Jones is returning to The View. They’re letting her back on for one day to talk about heart disease prevention. One way to prevent heart disease is not to allow yourself to balloon up to 300 pounds, then deny you’ve had surgery when you magically lose 100 pounds in a month.
10.) “Seal won’t shut up,” according to Heidi Klum, who is reportedly pissed that Seal is making the talk show rounds while her “sources” reported that she publicly announced the breakup to teach him a lesson.
11.) COVER STORY: Demi Moore is spiraling out of control because she tried to get high in the way 12 year olds do at slumber parties. Jeeze, one little can of whipped cream and a trip to the hospital sure makes people start drawing strange conclusions.
12.) A Teen Mom couple is getting MARRIED! And he is described as the “Groomzilla.”
13.) Who doesn’t love Downton Abbey? Us Weekly has printed a list of 25 celebrities who watch the show. And I’ve heard of two-thirds of them!
14.) Snooki missed a Valentine’s Day date because of a hangover. I, for one, am SHOCKED by this news. Snooki actually had a date??
15.) Spinning classes are the latest Hollywood trend. I don’t know where Hollywood has been until now, since spinning is just riding a stationary bike and that’s been done for years.
16.) 1983 is BACK, people! Purple eye shadow is where it’s at, making me feel like I’m in 7th grade all over again.
17.) Yes, there was a “story,” made up entirely of pictures and captions, on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They don’t even have to do anything but exist.
18.) There was a similar story about Prince William and Duchess Kate.
19.) Stars go out with their children. It must be really hard to break into the nanny business with all this parenting going on.
20.) Speaking of parenting, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are “co-parenting.” Which is usually what parents do, right? Right???
Stay tuned for next week when Ally Sheedy gets caught drinking too much Robotussin.