If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I should pick up a book one of these days) February 10, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:23 PM

Look at these headlines! Can I possibly ignore the story about this bitch?

Another issue with The Bachelor on the cover (Headline: “The Bachelor MANEATER. She’s worse than you think.”) Looks like I’ll be learning more than I care to with this week’s Us Weekly.

1.)               Stacy Keibler is pictured in a lot of pretty dresses. No one cared much about her before, but you date one mega-celebrity (George Clooney) and suddenly you start to matter, I guess.

2.)               IT’S OVER between Chord Overstreet and Emma Roberts. Don’t know who they are? Let me introduce you to my friend Google.

3.)               Celebrities are introducing us to the next big trend – “frumpy jeans.”  Goodie.

4.)               Reese Witherspoon has a sense of humor. When asked about Justin Bieber’s desire to star in a remake of her 1996 film “Fear,” she said, “Would he be playing me or Mark Wahlberg?”

5.)               There are at least 25 stars out there who haven’t hosted SNL. Maybe because Alec Baldwin keeps hogging all the openings.

6.)               Celebrities *gasp* KISS THEIR CHILDREN!  In PUBLIC! Disgusting! They also go fishing, sledding, use their iPads, carry garment bags, and dance. These things are what makes them “just like US.”  Barf.

7.)               Taylor Swift can’t seem to hang on to a boyfriend. Her latest relationship “sparked, but fizzled fast.” Poor kid.

8.)               Best headline of the issue: Zac Holds Lily’s Hand. It refers to Zac Efron and Lily Collins, who entered a restaurant HOLDING HANDS. Oh. Em. Gee. This means they’re totally going steady, right?

9.)               LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian went to church. Katherine McPhee and her husband celebrated an anniversary. These things are NEWS!

10.)           I refuse to read the cover story about that man-eater Courtney on The Bachelor. I can’t believe this show is still on the air. But an interesting tidbit is that the mean girl once dated Reese Witherspoon’s husband. Herrmm.

11.)           Ashton Kutcher is to blame for Demi’s poor life choices.

12.)           Another Teen Mom is single again after her boyfriend dumped her. I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that teen moms can’t have normal healthy relationships.

13.)           Duchess Kate is reportedly “royally alone” now that Wills has gone off on some military mission. Poor princess will have to spend Valentine’s Day all by herself.

14.)           In a fun game, I’ve been charged with identifying which “celeb” is wearing the knockoff gown. My guess is always the B-List star, who is pictured next to an A-Lister in a very similar gown. Go figure. I was RIGHT!

15.)           A Biggest Loser contestant almost DIED. But it was due to a fall, not from being an enormous walking heart attack.

16.)           Oscar nominees talk about their embarrassing past roles. Among them – George Clooney’s cameo on The Golden Girls. SWEET!

17.)           Madonna still gets stage fright. I got stage fright getting ready to watch Madonna on stage at the Super Bowl.

18.)           After reading all the sub-headlines about the Bachelor man-eater, I may have to read that story after all. *sigh* How can I pass up a story about “catty insults, heavy drinking, and shocking nudity?” Wait. This story runs during every season of The Bachelor.


4 Responses to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I should pick up a book one of these days)”

  1. AngD Says:

    I have NEVER watched a season of the bachelor. The closest I came to watching something like that was when I devoted an entire season to “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance” – which was all a ruse for this poor girl to make her family believe she was engaged to marry a big fat obnoxious slob. It was great!
    Anyway – I love this! Now I don’t have to waste $ on the issue because you gave me all I needed. WIll you do REader’s Digest sometime???

  2. Judy VL Says:

    I would like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the US cliff notes. You read it so I don’t have to, it’s a true selfless act that helps us all. You are a saint.

  3. Jon Dryden Says:

    But I assume the nudity on The Bachelor is blacked out. Not like I’ve watched a minute of it.

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