If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: More about The Bachelor then I ever cared to know) February 27, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 10:31 AM

Here she is again, the conniving little bitch.

The cover story this week is The Bachelor. Again. That and so much more is what YOU will learn after I take you from Bachelor cover to Gucci ad cover through this week’s Us Weekly.

1.)                There is a list of 25 stars who Google themselves. Why they would own up to this is beyond me, but I imagine there are about 25,000 more who didn’t admit they do the same thing.

2.)                Photo bombs – celebrities do them, too. And they’re pretty funny.

3.)                Khloe Kardashian is the master of the duck face.

4.)                Stars are JUST LIKE US! Because they do mundane things too, like wait for the subway, check their cell phones during manicures, and go to spin class. Of course I don’t do any of those things, so celebrities are not like me at all!

5.)                Jennifer Lopez did not meet her current hunky squeeze on J-Date.

6.)                Kobe Bryant made a huge mistake when he failed to have soon-to-be-ex-wife Vanessa sign a pre-nup, then proceed to blatantly cheat on her. Whoops!

7.)                Jenny McCarthy is starring in another TV show named after her. But The Jenny McCarthy Show will be airing on VH1, so no one will watch it.

8.)                Madonna desperately wanted to meet 25-year-old New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. He was reluctant, likely because she’s kind of a bitch and a cradle robber to boot. But her people claim she only wanted to meet him so he could teach her how to salsa dance. Hmmmmm…..

9.)                Je ne give a damn pas about Le Bachelor. But apparently that evil bitch girl (the kind that’s in every season) will win, the relationship will fail, and we’ll have to deal with it all over again when it returns for season 3,243. But that poor evil bitch girl is just misunderstood. So say her friends, who believe she’s just exerting her sense of humor when she calls the other girls fat and ugly.

10.)            Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown is struggling with her mother’s tragic death from a drug overdose by doing the obvious – abusing drugs.

11.)            Rihanna is dealing with the long-term effects of her beating at the hands of Chris Brown by doing the obvious – getting back together with him.

12.)            Apparently, there are “burning questions” out there about The Voice (another reality show I don’t watch). Among these awe-inspiring questions is “Do the chairs ever break?”

13.)            There are a lot of sexy men on the third reality show featured in this issue that I don’t watch – Survivor. So I just looked at the pictures and skipped the bios, like any self-respecting woman would do.

14.)            Courteney Cox lets her 7-year-old daughter watch Cougar Town.

15.)            Red lace dresses are all the rage because three B-list celebs were photographed wearing them. Go get yours NOW!

16.)            Eyelash extensions are the latest trend. They’re only $100 per application and last up to three weeks. It’s time for me to go make my cardboard sign and stand on a street corner begging for money so I can afford to do this very important beauty thing.

17.)            Wanna know what the stars did to prep for the Oscars? Yeah, me neither.

Thanks for reading, Us fans! Until next week….


2 Responses to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: More about The Bachelor then I ever cared to know)”

  1. Love it Susie!!! Johnny and I, or is it, me and Johnny, well, you get the idea, the two of us, were at the store the other night, and of course all the dirt magazines are right there at the checkout. There was something that I really wanted to know…Johnny said, “Ask Susie, she’ll know”. Fine idea! RIGHT???? Yes, it’s a wonderful idea, but I guess HIS short term memory got the best of him that night, because I have it worse than him (10 years older than him), and I sure as HECK can’t remember! Maybe he’ll remember tonight, kinda doubt it though!
    This was my first US blog, and LOVE IT~

    • susieworld Says:

      Ask me anything about Us Weekly, People, and Entertainment Weekly and I’ll probably have an answer for you. God forbid I should pick up a book once in a while! 🙂

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