Hello, faithful readers. Didja miss me last week? I took a few days off to go get loaded in wine country and last week’s issue was on the tired subject of Courtney from the Bachelor, so I decided to spend my time doing something more productive – drinking loads of delicious wine. But now I’m back and yes, ladies and gentlemen, Snooki is preggers. Oh em gee! I learned more about her stupidity than I ever cared to know by reading this week’s issue of Us Weekly.
1.) Demi Moore is out of rehab, but continues to act like a teenager by asking all her friends if ex-husband Ashton Kutcher is seeing another woman. I guess when you’re doing whip-its in your 40s, you need to stick with the program of acting like you’re in middle school.
2.) Justin Bieber turned 18 and received a Costco membership from Ryan Seacrest.
3.) Older actors continue to rob the cradle when it comes to the girls they’re dating. An example: Katie Holmes was 5 when Tom Cruise danced in his undies in Risky Business.
4.) Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy style is worse than her regular style. I don’t like to make fun of weight gains, since I’ve never been pregnant and am no Victoria’s Secret model myself, but Jessica’s outfits emphasize her HUGE pregnancy weight gain. It could be because her pregnancy cravings include Cap’n Crunch cereal and buttered Pop Tarts. In a photo taken at a Beverly Hills pool, she resembles a fat Kirstie Alley more than she resembles herself.
5.) Brangelina’s daughter Vivienne wears lipstick. She’s 3.
6.) There is a list of 25 stars who are addicted to Facebook. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.
7.) Stars are “just like Us” because they walk their dogs, work out shirtless, and sit front row at NBA games.
8.) Howard Stern is the latest judge tapped to join America’s Got Talent. Can’t wait to see what he considers “talent.”
9.) Brad Paisley’s marriage advice is this: “Pick the right person.” Thanks for that, Brad. Very helpful.
10.) Katy Perry is “secretly” texting back and forth with Robert Pattinson of “Twilight” fame. But since Us is reporting it, the secret is out!
11.) Scarlett Johansson is no longer speaking to her ex, Ryan Reynolds, because he’s dating Blake Lively and she wanted to reconcile. The lesson to learn from this is when you don’t get your way, give ‘em the silent treatment.
12.) The headline of the Snooki pregnancy story is “We’re not going to screw this up.” Um…too late! And apparently 19% of Us Weekly readers are brain dead after having told Us Weekly that they think Snooki will be a good mom. In a little pregnancy quiz, Snooks admitted to thinking you only need to feed a newborn four times a day. Maybe she wants an anorexic infant. Morning sickness also apparently mirrors hangover symptoms.
13.) Bachelor Ben, clearly the ugliest of the Bachelors, lied to bitchy Courtney about seeing other people. Since I know all I need to know about The Bachelor by reading Us Weekly, I’d say she deserves it.
14.) Lindsay Lohan is taking her comeback seriously by getting enough facial injections and fillers to make her look old enough to have a daughter her age. A walking “don’t do drugs, kids” ad.
15.) There’s something here about a Teen Mom, but I don’t care enough to read it.
16.) You can enter to win an Oscar “look” through an Us Weekly contest. The problem is, all the “looks” are cheap rip-offs of ugly dresses.
17.) My favorite ad in this week’s issue is for “Smart Weight Loss,” which is sponsored by “TV Weight Loss Authority” Bob Harper. Unfortunately, this “smart” weight loss concept involves pills, rather than diet and exercise.
18.) Lastly, the Fashion Police feature focuses on slits that go to far. Among the photos is “the master” Angelina Jolie, whose right leg got itself a Twitter account after this year’s Oscars. Only a few of the slits pictured were high enough to make a person do a double take to get a glimpse of hoo-hah.