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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I’m not clever enough to come up with an alternate title right now) March 16, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:44 PM

I am shocked (SHOCKED!) that there was some lying going on during this season's Bachelor.

GAWD, I’m so sick of The Bachelor! The season is over, so you’d think the stories would be, too, but NOOOOO! I’ll get back to that in a minute. Here’s more of what I learned this week:

1.)                Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz are finito and Us Weekly tells us “what went wrong.” Actually, Us Weekly doesn’t tell me anything of the sort. They broke up and it was mutual. I’m disappointed. No lies? No cheating? What the frick??

2.)                Lindsay Lohan has apparently looked like a lot of other celebs over the years. Among them, Frankie Muniz, Emma Stone, Victoria Gotti, and my personal favorite, Debbie Harry. Apparently, 66-year-old Debbie was mistaken for Lindsay in NYC recently. Hi-larious!

3.)                Dancing with the “Stars” pro Derek Hough tells Us 25 things we don’t know about him. I skipped the list because I want to maintain my lack of knowledge about this guy.

4.)                Mad Men’s Elizabeth Moss is bad-mouthing her ex, SNL Obama portrayer Fred Armisen. “He’s so great at doing impersonations, but the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.”

5.)                There’s a feature called “What’s in my bag?” that describes what celebs carry in their purses. This week’s “celeb” is J-Woww from Jersey Shore and I was shocked there wasn’t a Costo-sized box of condoms in her ugly-ass bag.

6.)                Jennifer Love Hewitt apparently vajazzles herself. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight without nightmares about this.

7.)                Stars are just like Us because Kim Kardashian pumps her own gas and Halle Berry obsesses over shoes.

8.)                Kendra Wilkinson was photographed out and about with hubby Hank Baskett and son Hank IV. All I learned from this is that white girls look ridiculous with cornrows.

9.)                Everybody’s excited about The Hunger Games. Swell.

10.)            Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown wants to go by Kristina because she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her batshit crazy father.

11.)            Holy frijoles! Ferris Bueller is 50!

12.)            Dennis Quaid is divorcing his wife, who kinda looks like a younger Meg Ryan. Guess he has a type.

13.)            Jason Segal and Michelle Williams went out on a date. Maybe they’ll be getting married next!

14.)            Sorry, ladies. Ryan Gosling is off the market. Eva Mendes wants him to move in. I don’t understand the Gosling obsession some people have. Maybe because I’ve lasted this long without watching The Notebook.

15.)            Okay – we’ve arrived at the permanent Bachelor part of this issue. Page 42 seems to be dedicated to this show. Ben proposed to Courtney the bitch, but was caught seeing other people. Someone who has even less of a life than I did a little study on the couple’s body language in the reunion show. According to their body language, they’re not going to make it. This is so sad because all the other Bachelor couples have had such successful relationships!

16.)            Rihanna is “still not over Chris.” Someone will have to beat some sense into her.

17.)            Kanye West, famous for saying George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people, and I guess for a few rap songs, has his eyes set on Kim Kardashian. I, for one, can’t wait to see how this plays out. Meanwhile, Kim has expressed an interest in God-fearing QB Tim Tebow. I would actually PAY to see that relationship happen.

18.)            When Us Weekly isn’t covering The Bachelor, it’s covering the Brangelina brood. More often than not, they aren’t actually DOING anything but going out in public. The entire two-page spread is a mess of pictures and captions because THERE IS NO STORY HERE!

19.)            Here’s some breaking news – the pushup is making a comeback in the fitness world because Michelle Obama did one on the Ellen show.

20.)            I leave you with this – and you might want to go out and purchase this issue for this story alone – Us Weekly offers four tips on how to ROCK A KIMONO.

Stay tuned next week when we learn how to rock a muumuu. In a word – Bedazzler!

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3 Responses to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I’m not clever enough to come up with an alternate title right now)”

  1. Emily Says:

    “It was mutual” is Hollywoodese for “He’s gay”

    And about the crap celebs carry in their ugly-ass bags – maybe a better looking bag should be in there?

  2. Emily Says:

    I just read in some other magazine the REAL REASON Bobbi Kristina wants to go by just “Kristina”: Because Bobbi Kristina is a fucking stupid name. Shocker. Didn’t see that one coming.

  3. Rhianna Says:

    Huh? Dennis Quaid’s wife is divorcing HIM, not vice versa. Seems he is a drunk with a nasty temper who cheats. Cant blame her for leaving him


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