I’m not quite sure what to do with myself without having a Bachelor cover story to rag on. This week, it’s Reese Witherspoon announcing her happy pregnancy news. How am I supposed to make fun of THAT?
1.) In other happy news, Charlize Theron adopted a baby boy.
2.) J. Lo is proving my theory that she is a serial monogamist by moving in with her latest boy toy. She’s 42 and he’s 24. She admits she doesn’t know why she’s with him. So why be with him? Whatevs, Jenny from the block.
3.) Four stars admit they did terrible things to their Barbie dolls growing up. My favorite is Jessica Biel’s tradition of ripping their heads off and putting them on Christmas lights to decorate the tree. Brilliant!
4.) Russell Brand was arrested for something. But that’s not news.
5.) Everybody’s favorite political sexpot George Clooney was also arrested. But he looked much more handsome than Brand.
6.) Jessica Simpson said pregnancy sex is the best. She says the “big O” is an even BIGGER O when you’re knocked up. Quite frankly, I’m surprised this news wasn’t delivered by her father.
7.) Duchess Kate is still on her own while William is out doing military princely things. She is doing normal, duchessy things, I guess. Like being photographed just breathing.
8.) Wow. Snooki is only 3 months along and she already looks as fat as she did before she got pregnant.
9.) Rihanna is just like “Us” because she does her own grocery shopping. But she’s not really like me at all because I have a house boy to do that for me.
10.) Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott co-parent. BFD!
11.) The requisite Angelina Jolie’s kids story calls Zahara and Shiloh “goofy” because they make silly faces for the camera. They’re KIDS for cripes sake.
12.) Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos are to blame for a new reality show about cheerleading. I hope it’s as good as “Dance Moms.”
13.) Speaking of reality shows, Teen Mom’s upcoming season will be its last. Clearly this is so MTV can showcase Teen Mom 2.
14.) Jennifer Aniston is decorating her new house. There is a lovely aerial photo of the property, which comes complete with a pool that Us Weekly circled and labeled “swimming pool” for those who have never seen one before.
15.) Miley Cyrus is causing trouble again. She’s going clubbing and making an idiot of herself. So much so that her boyfriend gets embarrassed for her. I’m glad someone else gets embarrassed for her besides me. It’s a big responsibility.
16.) Reese Witherspoon is a really cute pregnant girl.
17.) Unlike Jessica Simpson, who can’t seem to dress herself like a normal person. The bitch had a THREE-DAY baby shower!
18.) I don’t know what went wrong in Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli’s marriage, despite the headline that tells me I will learn what went wrong. Oh, wait. She’s jealous of his Twilight career.
19.) I KNEW I couldn’t get through an entire issue without a Bachelor story. Ben and Courtney are moving in together. I wonder if they lied to each other about the rent.
20.) Orange is one of the colors for spring. Yuck. I’ll stick with my springy black.
Really, this issue was all pictures and captions. I haven’t cared less about an Us Weekly since I started doing this blog. The only upside, really, is seeing pictures of celebs wearing coveralls. Not a good look for anyone.