Poor, poor Kim Kardashian. Her ex-husband is making her charmed life a little difficult. She’s making my not-so-charmed life a little difficult, too, as I’m having a really hard time feeling sorry for her. There’s so much to talk about thanks to this week’s Us Weekly.
1.) “The party’s over” for Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame. He checked into rehab for an addiction to prescription pills, which means he will probably have to quit all his other vices as well. No drinking at the Jersey Shore makes for a very dull show. Do I smell cancellation? Gawd, I hope so!
2.) “Dial the D-List!” You, if you are moronic enough, can pay some of your hard-earned cash to get parenting advice from the likes of Michael Lohan! A membership to “Dial A Star” is only $50+ per minute! Other “celebs” offering their expert advice include Octomom and former Real Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub. If you can’t take advice from these class acts, who can you take advice from??
3.) Richard Gere says “Pretty Woman” was a “big mistake.” Nevermind that a whole generation of people who didn’t know who the heck he was were introduced to him in that movie.
4.) Great quote from the rarely funny Jenny McCarthy: “Why are chicks on tampon commercials so happy and dressed nice? [It should be] a girl in baggy sweats giving the finger to strangers.” How true!
5.) Stars are “just like Us” because they’re photographed doing mundane things like toting their own luggage or paying a parking meter. But in this week’s issue, there’s a photo of Snooki taking out the trash. She must be wearing camouflage because it’s hard to tell the difference between her and the garbage.
6.) Miley Cyrus is getting a jump on marriage by wearing a diamond ring on her left hand before her boyfriend Liam Helmsworth has even popped the question. I smell desperation.
7.) Real Housewives of New Jersey star Melissa Gorga says the way she keeps her marriage happy is by pretending she’s her husband’s girlfriend and that he can’t have her. “Men want what they can’t have. When is everyone going to realize this?” Ummm… never?
8.) Meanwhile, in Beckhamville, David Beckham says his marriage has survived because he likes changing diapers. Now that’s more like it!
9.) Michelle Williams has found love again! Because she’s gone on a handful of dates with Jason Segal. If only finding love were so easy for real people.
10.) Oh no! It’s over between Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana! Trouble is, I had no idea it had even started.
11.) The latest dating rumor is that Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna are hooking up. He may cheat on her, but he probably won’t beat her up, so there’s that.
12.) In the “VIP Scene” feature, unnamed sources tell Us Weekly about all the important things celebrities have been seen doing – like eating or being offered a seat on a crowded subway.
13.) Bobby Brown got a DUI. Surprisingly, it’s only his second.
14.) There is a five page story on Kim Kardashian’s troubled life since splitting with Kris Humphries. I’d tell you all about it, but that would mean I’d have to read it.
15.) Pregnant Jessica Simpson is not shy about speaking her mind. From feeling like she has a bowling ball sitting on her hoo-ha to proclaiming she has an affliction called “swamp ass,” someone needs to tell this girl to shut the hell up and hire a stylist.
16.) There’s a feature on celebrity makeovers, which is always nice because it means the celebrities featured in it used to be all homely before Hollywood got it’s sticky little hands on them. Among these formerly homely stars are Sofia Vergara, Miley Cyrus (who still needs work, IMHO), Jennifer Lawrence, and Adele. Also included on the list is Charlize Theron, who apparently needed a whopping 15 years to get herself looking decent.
17.) In the requisite “Stars Without Makeup” feature, most people feel that stars look better with tons of makeup. I’m inclined to disagree, but what do I know. I’m just an Us Weekly reader who is never polled in Rockefeller Center.
18.) Did you know you can “lose five pounds with heels?” Guys – take this into consideration!
19.) There’s a little instruction manual on how to get bikini ready in four weeks. I suppose it’s possible if you start out at 120 pounds and go from there.
20.) Ladies – ALWAYS exfoliate before putting on a backless dress. No one wants to see backne.
21.) Tyson Ritter, lead singer of All-American Rejects, tells Us what’s on his e-reader. Among his selections is Cannery Row by John Steinbeck. Sometimes I think people just make this shit up to sound more intelligent than they really are.
So that’s about it. I learned SO MUCH this week, except about Kim Kardashian, but I’m okay with that and I hope you are, too.