If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I have no alternative title this week) April 7, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:04 PM

Michelle Williams is the cover star of this week’s Us Weekly. I really don’t know what to do with myself without a cover story about the Kardashians or The Bachelor. But there’s good news – there are non-cover stories about the Kardashians and The Bachelor, so we can all breathe easy. Anyhoo…here’s what I learned this week!

1.)               Divorce is messy, as evidenced by Christie Brinkley and her ex Peter Cook whose divorce was finalized four years ago. She says he’s not paying child support. He says he’s paid in full. Sorry, Pete, but child support doesn’t go away just because you think you’ve paid enough. Man up, grow a pair, and provide for your kids, jackass.

2.)               Anne Hathaway is starving herself after being told to lose 16 pounds in less than three weeks. Fuck you,Hollywood, for demands like this!!

3.)               “My Strange Addiction” isn’t just for weirdo nobodies. Kristen Chenoweth saves, polishes, and photographs quarters. Jennifer Aniston must step onto an airplane right foot first. Jesse Eisenberg adopts more cats every time he makes a film. And Lady Gaga rubs her feet together when she’s lonely.

4.)               I am not the only one who was tortured by an older sibling as a child. Emily Deschanel apparently pretended to be an alien to make her younger sister Zooey cry. Maggie Gyllenhaal pretended her brother Jake was a cat and made him drink milk from a bowl. And Robert Pattinson’s sisters dressed him up as a girl and introduced himself to other people as “Claudia.”  Thanks, big brother Jon, for going a little easier on me than this.

5.)               A judge “ordered” Lindsay Lohan to quit partying, but 80% of Us Weekly readers don’t think she’ll give up her wild lifestyle.

6.)               Quote of the issue: [It makes me] feel like throwing up. I wish I could say ‘Oh, it’s the Celine Dion song.’ But I don’t. I sit straight-faced, with a massive eternal eye-roll.” –Titanic star Kate Winslet.

7.)               James Franco does a really good Kid Rock impersonation, looks-wise, for an upcoming role as a rapper.

8.)               Rihanna doesn’t like to wear pants.

9.)               The Twitterverse learned about Adam Levine’s breakup before Adam Levine did. His ex broke up with him from across the country. Actually, I don’t know if she made the announcement on Twitter, but she did make the news public before breaking it to the Maroon 5 singer because she “didn’t want it to look like he broke up with her.”

10.)           Everyone is quitting Saturday Night Live. Okay, not really. Just the three biggest stars – Kristin Wiig, Andy Samberg, and Jason Sudekis.

11.)          Victoria“Posh Spice” Beckham goes out to restaurants and orders only lettuce.

12.)           Teresa Giudice says Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t look as bad in person as it does on TV. In other “Celebrity Apprentice” news, Arsenio Hall really doesn’t like Aubrey O’Day. I don’t think I like her either because I feel like I’m supposed to know who the hell she is.

13.)           Prince Harry has moved into his own apartment – inKensingtonPalace.

14.)           Heidi Klum has been tapped to host CBS’s “Clash of the Commercials –USAvs. the World,” which will be an interactive countdown special due to air in May. Goodie! Another show Heidi Klum hosts that I won’t be watching.

15.)           Verne “Mini Me” Troyer plans to write a tell-all autobiography.

16.)           As previously reported on Facebook, Ashton Kutcher has been cast as Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic. Also, as previously reported, I think this is HILARIOUS. And a little sad.

17.)           In non-news, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are still happily married, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are not splitting up, and Denise Richards has hooked up again with Richie Sambora.

18.)           Michelle Williams has found love after tragedy because she’s gone on a few dates with Jason Segal. I had no idea finding love was so easy! But really, this story is just a way for Us Weekly to write about Heath Ledger’s death again.

19.)           KARDASHIAN KONFIDENTIAL: They’re all photographed in bikinis and Scott Disick, aka Mr. Kourtney, has a $13,000 tote bag. Kim has also dropped a little weight, but none of it in her hips and ass.

20.)           There’s a new show coming out on HBO called “Girls.” It’s about girls, of course. Four of them. So the obvious “Sex and the City” comparisons have been made. The two shows have nothing else in common.

21.)           BACHELOR BITCH NEWS: The wedding’s ON! But there’s no date, no dress, no nothing. I’ll believe it when I see it. But then, I won’t watch, so I guess I’ll just never believe it.

22.)           It costs a lot to look like you didn’t spend much money. Leann Rimes looks comfortably casual in $10,000 worth of clothes and accessories, while Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham were decked out in $18,000 and $53,000 outfits. Do these women believe in donating a little bit to charity??

23.)           THE HILLS HOOCHIE: Lauren Conrad dishes about her show that has been off the air for several years now. She does it in the form of a book, which I’m going to guess was written by a ghost writer.

24.)           TREND WATCH: Blue maxi skirts are where it’s at, ladies! No other colors. Just blue. And it must be the right shade of blue. Not sky blue, not navy blue. Just blue. Don’t screw this up!

Stay tuned for next week’s report for more on all the celebrities you never knew existed!


One Response to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I have no alternative title this week)”

  1. jondryden Says:

    Michelle Williams rules. Plus she lives in Brooklyn, like Maggie Gyenhall. I’m glad you don’t remember half the stuff I did to you when you were obnoxious.

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