susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Go ahead and add “Kimye” to your vocabulary) April 17, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:02 PM

Kim Kardashian has made yet another bad relationship choice by dating Kanye West. But Kimye, as they are known, is sure to provide me with a lot of material in upcoming blogs! More about them later. Meanwhile….

1.)             Christina Aguilera, 31, received a “makeover” for The Voice. She now looks like a high-class call girl rather than a two-bit hooker.

2.)             The NYPD might want to consider hiring Ryan Gosling. He’s an NYC superhero after breaking up a fight last year and, more recently, saving a woman from being hit by a cab.

3.)             Donald Trump has come around and is allowing Canadian transgender Miss Universe contestant Jenna Talackova to compete in the pageant. Us Weekly delightfully pointed out the beauty queen’s close resemblance to Donald’s daughter Ivanka. It’s uncanny!

4.)             Jessica Simpson is the featured star in the “What’s in My Bag” feature. Not among the crap in her purse – condoms. Which explains her current condition.

5.)             James Bond will be giving up his martinis and picking up a Heineken instead in the upcoming Bond flick. This is the result of a $45 million product placement deal.

6.)             Betty White on turning 80: “I’m still just as horny as I’ve ever been.”

7.)             Tunics are in this season. But pants are not.

8.)             “Fast Food Flames” Justin Bieber, 18, and Selena Gomez, 19, were snapped picnicking on Subway sandwiches. WHO THE F*CK CARES??

9.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump says the secret to a long-lasting relationship is to “Take a lover!”

10.)       Famous father Levi Johnston, ex-boyfriend of Bristol Palin, has proven once again that he has strong swimmers. He has knocked up his current girlfriend.

11.)       The Olympics are officially ruined. Ryan Seacrest has been tapped to cover theLondongames.

12.)       Poor Amanda Bynes. When you drive drunk, it’s never a good idea to plow into a police car. Needless to say, she has been added to the ever-growing list of celebs with DUIs.

13.)       Serial dater Jennifer Love Hewitt has set her sights on Adam Levine after hearing about his tragic breakup. Save yourself, Adam! Run!!

14.)       Jennie Garth can’t seem to stop blabbing about how the failure of her marriage should be blamed on her soon-to-be ex Peter Facinelli. But he is “taking the high road” and keeping his trap shut. Good boy. Now if he’d promise never to make another Twilight movie….

15.)       Speaking of Twilight, Robert Pattinson is apparently very insecure when it comes to his bod. Recent pictures of him paddleboarding surfaced and he was all embarrassed because he was photographed without a shirt. Of course, Us Weekly ran this little blurb with a picture of ol’ Rob without a shirt.

16.)       Oh, Lord! Say it ain’t so! Bachelor “winner” Courtney Robertson was recently overheard saying she wants a baby. Eek!

17.)       According to Us, Kim and Kanye are “meant to be” because they “work hard, love luxury, and bask in the spotlight.” I do all those things too, but I can guarantee I’m not compatible with Kanye! One more reason these two are destined for each other – they both wear fur. Booo!!! Meanwhile, on the marriage front, Kanye reportedly threatened Kim’s ex (but still current husband) with having his friend Jay-Z fire Krissy from the New Jersey Nets. Jay owns the team, but doesn’t have the power to fire players.

18.)        In other Kardashian news, Khloe K. and Lamar Odom are returning toL.A.He apparently didn’t likeTexasand quit the Dallas Mavericks after a rocky four months with the team. He says he’ll sign on with another team next year. But really, who wants a quitter? Just ask Sarah Palin.

19.)       Katy Perry wants Russell Brand back. Really??

20.)       Reese Witherspoon had a “babymoon” inCosta Ricawith her hubby and kids. When was the babymoon invented? And how come no one told me about it? Maybe I’d be preggers by now if I knew there was a tropical getaway in it for me. (Okay, not really.)

21.)       Clearly capable of making smart choices, Teen Mom star Leah Messer has married for the second time and she’s not even 20 yet. Plus, Us Weekly says she’s still in love with her baby daddy. Or babies daddy, since she’s the mother of twins.

22.)       How stars get motivated to work out:

a.)               Pump upbeat tunes (suggested: Skrillex and Britney Spears – that would motivate me to run. Far away from my iPod.)

b.)               Do something different. Bust out of that cardio rut with yoga!

c.)               Pick up bright duds! Some starlet I’ve never heard of says she never wanted to go to the gym because all she wore were her 7th grade shorts. So she bought         some brightly colored workout clothes and says she’s motivated because “I look awesome!”

d.)              Track your training. Reese Witherspoon puts a smiley face on the workout days on which she felt pain.

e.)               Try a hot new trend. Which is Bikram yoga.

f.)                Eat sanely. Well, DUH!

g.)               Get techy – Use that Nintendo Wii, girls!

h.)              Set a shape goal. Apparently, my shape goal is “large hourglass.”

i.)                 Score a cheap trainer. Nevermind the old adage, “You get what you pay for.”

j.)                 Slip into new sneaks. New shoes – new life!

23.)       Want the latest in doggy-human fashion? Gold collar necklaces are where it’s at!

24.)       There are little bios on the five members of One Direction. I wish the one direction they would go is away!

25.)       Wanna look fat? Try the latest trend of patterned pants! Not even the aforementioned workout tips will help you look good in these!

26.)       Ooh! The Real Housewives of New Jersey is back! Well, soon anyway. I, for one, can’t wait! This is the best train wreck TV has to offer!

 

I didn’t think I’d learn quite so much this week! I hope you learned a lot, too. Thank you, dear readers. You keep me going! Truly!

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