Hello Us Weekly faithful! Didja miss me last week? I apologize for having my nose buried in actual books rather than my Us Weekly – especially during a week when there was a ROYAL SCANDAL! So this week, you’re getting a double dose of what I learned reading two weeks worth of Us Weekly garbage … er … news.
1.) Britney Spears may or may not be the newest judge on X Factor. I don’t know why she’s in such high demand, as her music is so heavily overproduced and I seriously doubt she’s ever had a hand in writing a song. But the powers that be (read: Simon Cowell) seem willing to pay her a reported $16 million for her so-called “expertise.”
2.) Courtney Love is once again proving she is totally batshit crazy. She took to the Twitterverse to claim that former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters guitarist/singer Dave Grohl made a pass at her 19-year-old estranged daughter Frances Bean Cobain. Grohl denies the allegations andFrancessays, “I have never been approached by Dave in more than a platonic way. Twitter should ban my mother.”
3.) Melissa Etheridge’s ex-wife Tammy Lynn Michaels is claiming she can’t possibly live on the $23,000 in monthly spousal support she receives from Melissa. She claims she got used to a $128,000/month lifestyle during her nine-year relationship and needs “extensive retraining” to work again.
4.) President Obama called Kanye West a jackass and I’m inclined to agree.
5.) In what I can probably deem the scariest news I’ve read in recent weeks, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi of Jersey Shore fame is 5 months pregnant and says, “No I can be a MILF.” Nope. You can have a million babies and still never be a MILF, Snooks.
6.) The Beastie Boys can hardly be considered “boys” anymore. As much as I adore them, their hard-partying “fight for your right” lifestyles have not done wonders for their aging process. They look like they were ridden hard and put away wet, as the saying goes.
7.) Serial co-star dater Blake Lively is planning to move in with serial hottie Ryan Reynolds. They’re looking at homes inConnecticut.
8.) Tom Cruise likes to receive credit for the little things. He installed a smoothie and cappuccino bar on the set of his upcoming film, Oblivion, with a sign reading, “Courtesy of Mr. Tom Cruise.”
9.) In a tiny little sidebar, Us Weekly ran the news that Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees has pneumonia and is IN A COMA!!! Oh, and Ryan O’Neal has been diagnosed with stage 2 prostate cancer.
10.) Working for free is becoming a sensation inHollywood. Tina Fey is set to star in “The Intern,” which is about a businesswoman who takes on a senior citizen as an underling. Meanwhile, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are filming “The Internship,” in which they will play unemployed salesmen.
11.) Oh, Pippa. You have done a grave disservice to the Queen by partying with stupid people. Our dear, sweet Pippa, known for her famous royal bridesmaid’s ass, was in a car with a moronic friend who pulled out a toy gun and aimed it at paparazzi while they were partying inFrance. Now she’s facing questioning by French police and could be convicted of a crime that would send her to prison for seven years! Oops!
12.) The world is back on its axis. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are engaged.
13.) Since we can’t have an issue without Kar-trash-ian news, Kim K has been named one of Us Weekly’s Hot Hollywood Style Winners.
14.) Apparently, Norah Jones (who I’ve met – she’s very sweet!) and Adele are leading parallel lives 10 years apart.
Now! Onto this week’s issue!
1.) The Bachelor is totally racist! Apparently only white people are desperate enough to go on TV looking for future failed relationships.
2.) America’s Next Top Model is still on the air. I had no idea. Tyra Banks hasn’t been seen on The Soup since her talk show went off the air, so I had no idea she was still working in TV.
3.) Some famous ladies just say no to marriage. Except that they’re all married (or getting there) now. Brad Pitt, Joel Madden, James Tupper, and Nick Cannon all reportedly had to ask for their ladies’ (Angelina, Nicole Richie, Anne Heche, and Mariah Carey) hands more than once until they got a yes.
4.) Sheree Whitfield was dumped from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Well, she quit before she got fired, claiming she was tired of all the drama. Isn’t drama what these ladies sign up for?
5.) Josh Hutcherson, 18, is Us Weekly’s “Hero of the Week.” And mine, too, even though I’ve never heard of him. He’s one of the stars of the Hunger Games, in case you haven’t heard of him either. Anyhoo… he adopted a sweet little puppy named Driver, who sustained a broken leg and had two missing toes. “Most people want a perfect puppy, but Josh was willing to take on a dog that needs ongoing care,” said a spokeswoman for the rescue group Hands Paws Hearts. Josh, you’re totally a hero!
6.) John Mayer recorded a bunch of depressing songs for his upcoming album. He must not be getting laid regularly these days.
7.) In a nonsensical reader poll, a whopping 61% said they’d rather have Justin Timberlake decorate their homes rather than the Kardashians. Why was this poll taken? Because the Kardashians are offering ugly-ass bedding at Sears, while Justin is launching an interiors line through HomeMint.com.
8.) Katie Couric says, “I can’t run.” Since I, of course, take this literally, I’m imagining her falling every third step. Which causes insane giggles.
9.) Quotes of the week
a.) “The dog trainer told me that my dog is insecure. So now every morning I say to her, ‘You is kind. You is smart. You is important.’” –Brittany Snow
b.) “I was to the point where my UPS man would come in for a beer.” –Anna Faris on her addiction to online shopping.
c.) “I don’t like when I see guys do too much hair gel. But I don’t mean Pauly D, because that’s basically performance art.” –Justin Timberlake
d.) “My feet are homesick.” –Jessica Simpson on not being able to wear heels while pregnant (despite the fact that she’s been wearing 5-inch wedges pretty much the entire pregnancy).
10.) Headline of the week: “The Biebs Hearts Selena.” He may only be 19 and she 20 (I think), but their love is destined to last because it’s the “real deal.” I totally belieb this two are forever. Until something better comes along.
11.) Kim K and Kanye had a “whirlwind reunion” after being a part for an ENTIRE WEEK. This whirlwind included buying ice cream, shopping for leather jackets, and sipping cocktails. I’m exhausted just reading about it.
12.) Bachelor Ben Flajnik and crazy bitch Courtney Robertson are shopping for wedding dresses. I wonder which gowns he tried on.
13.) New couple alert! Or old, depending on how big a fan of “That 70s Show” you were. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, whose characters dated on that 2000s show about the 1970s, are apparently hooking up.
14.) Brad and Angelina spent a day at the beach with their kids. Now that they’re engaged, I’m sure we will be seeing many more stories about this kind of outrageous behavior.
15.) Jennifer ‘Addicted to Love’ Hewitt, who recently proclaimed her desire to date Adam Levine since his recent breakup, now wants to hook up with her Client List co-star Colin Egglesfield.
16.) Wanna stay fit like the stars? Then become a millionaire and hire your own dietician and personal trainer.
17.) In scary Us Weekly ad news, there’s a special issue of Us Weekly all about the Biebs. It includes his “private photo diary,” talks about what it’s like for him to be “18 and on my own,” and “how Selena stole my heart.” It’s on newsstands now! And probably costs about $20.
18.) Real Housewife of New Jersey, Teresa Giudice is pissing off all her costars.
19.) Michelle Williams and Jason Segal are still dating and they “flaunted their love out on the town in the Big Apple.” I hate it when people flaunt their love. It’s bragging.
20.) Serial monogamist Jennifer Lopez wants to head to the altar for the fourth time with her current flame, Casper Smart. He’s 25 and she’s 42, so I can totally see this working out.
21.) Reality shows are a great place to find love! And the most successful relationships have come from … Survivor?
22.) Single B-list celebrities are talking about what they’re looking for in a mate. ForJerseyShore’s Pauly D, it’s “She’s gotta take care of herself. Gym, tan, all of that.” Yep. Those things are VERY important.
23.) Wanna know how they brought Tupac back from the dead for Coachella? Nah. Me neither.
24.) Switch up your hair for spring! With extensions and dye jobs! Totally natural.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I learned reading TWO WEEK’S WORTH of Us Weekly. Stay tuned for next week when I plan to blog from the lusciousislandofKauai. I can never take a vacation from Us.