susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I’m on vacation, bitches!) May 7, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:34 PM

The “news” doesn’t stop when you’re on vacation, so I’m typing this from a beachfront house inKauai. This place is so nice, I feel like one of the celebrities I make fun of! Anyhoo, let’s get on with it.

1.)                Snooki just lost a bunch of weight before getting accidentally knocked up, so now she’s announced she only plans to gain 15 pounds of baby weight. This is stupid because her child will then be born malnourished AND drunk.

2.)                Shhhh! It’s a secret! But Mario Lopez blabbed about it, so I will, too. There are plans for a Dancing with the Stars “All-Star” show with “celebrities” from past seasons competing against each other. But it’s a secret, so you didn’t hear it from me.

3.)                The quote of the issue comes from Blake Shelton: “Grown men who wear skinny jeans may as well put on a T-shirt that says ‘I may not be an organ donor, but y’all can have my testicles!’”

4.)               RickiLakeadmitted she suffered from weird behavior after taking Ambien: “Some people raid the refrigerator, some people have crazy sex and don’t remember it … I signed up for eHarmony.”

5.)                Rihanna went paddle boarding. Again.

6.)                Wills and Kate celebrated their royal anniversary “privately, something low-key at home,” which undoubtedly included mobs of paparazzi.

7.)                Suri Cruise doesn’t drink just any water. The 6-year-old drinks Pellegrino.

8.)                Padma Lakshmi shaved her 2-year-old daughter’s head for a Hindu ceremony.

9.)                Justin Bieber was at the Tribeca Disruptive Innovation Awards. The Biebs’ music is more disruptive than innovative.

10.)            There is nothing anybody can do to make Johnny Depp unattractive. He is pictured shirtless (swoon!) and in face paint for his role in the upcoming Lone Ranger movie.

11.)            Celeb kids love their sunglasses. Among the toddlers looking incognito is 2-year-old Mason Disick (Kourtney Kardashian’s son), who is the only child pictured wearing Ray Bans.

12.)            Patrick Dempsey is the latest celebrity superhero. He rescued a teen that crashed his car into the actor’s front yard inMalibu.

13.)            Former Real Housewife of New York City Kelly Bensimon published her first book, titled “I Can Make You Hot.” I want to slap her upside the face for this.

14.)            Lady Gaga is single again.

15.)            Lindsay Lohan was apparently not-so-gleeful on the set of Glee. I’m shaking my head as to why she was even tapped to be a guest star, but since I’m not in charge of these things, I’ll just report that she was six hours late to shoot her scenes (in which she plays herself) and ran to her trailer frequently. Apparently, she was set to shoot for five days, but they cut it down to two because she’s such a skanky loser.

16.)            Tori Spelling was seen wearing yoga flip-flops while moving out of her mobile home. BREAKING NEWS!!!

17.)            People that had no business being at the White House Correspondents Dinner: Kim Kardashian, Kris Jenner, and Lindsay Lohan, who reportedly texted the whole time.

18.)            Giuliana and Bill Rancic are expecting a baby via surrogate. This pair kind of annoys me, but the news is good, since she recently underwent chemo and they’d been having fertility problems. So, way to go, annoying people! I’m happy for you.

19.)            Khloe & Lamar have decided to do the nation a favor and quit their reality show to focus more on their real life. This is not to say you won’t be seeing these two on TV, since the E! network is essentially owned by Ryan Seacrest and the Kardashians. And I have to say, if I had to choose a favorite Kardashian, it would be Khloe because she’s raunchy and “full-figured.”

20.)            Meanwhile, Kim K and Kanye are talking marriage. No matter that Kim’s 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries hasn’t been finalized yet. It’s so nice to know that young people today think of marriage so seriously and aren’t frivolously running to the altar.

21.)            This has been years in the making and it has finally happened – Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor are BFFs again! Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth have made amends after a feud that started during their days on Beverly Hills 90210 – which was my favorite TV show ever and got me through college. Not all is well in the Zip Code, though. Jennie is still fighting with Tiffani Thiessen and the relationship between Shannen and Tori Spelling is tepid at best.

22.)            Carrie Underwood has a successful marriage. Big whoop.

23.)            Celebs are wearing skinny jeans in every color of the rainbow. They’re pretty ugly jeans. On the bright side, there were no men pictured in neon skinny jeans – not even a Jonas brother.

24.)            The Avengers was released, in case you’ve been living under a rock.

And now I return you to your regularly scheduled programming. I’m off to the beach!

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