If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Only a little bit about the Bachelor franchise this time) May 15, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:55 PM

According to a competing blog, which pales in comparison to this one, Us Weekly totally thought Jessica Simpson would hate her baby.

I’m back from Hawaii and very well rested. One thing I learned while in paradise is that my 5-year-old niece, Faith, has good taste. As soon as I was finished with last week’s Us Weekly, she took a pair of scissors to it and immediately cut out the picture of Johnny Depp dressed as Tonto for the upcoming Lone Ranger film. Atta girl, Faith! You may only be in kindergarten, but you already know what’s hot. Now, onto what I learned in THIS week’s issue of Us Weekly.

1.)                Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor, could be up for the starring role in the stupid matchmaking series soon. He will be a bachelor again himself once his divorce from his wife of 18 years.

2.)                Demi Moore has officially ended her marriage on Twitter. She changed her handle from @MrsKutcher to @JustDemi.

3.)                Former Real Housewife of New York Jill Zarin is causing problems even after being kicked off the show. Now, she’s jealous that Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump’s dog Giggy is getting more press than Zarin’sChihuahua, Ginger.

4.)                Mediocre band The Wanted is making some unwanted comments about other more-popular pseudo-musicians. They badmouthed Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, and Christina Aguilera.

5.)                Modern Family star Sofia Vergara makes $65,000 per episode, while Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino makes $100K for each episode ofJerseyShore. Something is seriously wrong here. Maybe The Situation will be forced to take a pay cut now that he’s been to rehab.

6.)                I may be one of the few Us Weekly readers who know a good vampire when I see one. In the Us Weekly poll, readers prefer Twilight’s Robert Pattinson to Vampire Diaries’ Ian Somerhalder. I’m wondering if these people even have eyes.

7.)                Debra Messing on her divorce: “Now we’re living to 100. A hundred years ago people were dying at age 37. ‘Til death do us part’ was a much different deal.”

8.)                Alec Baldwin is multi-talented. He can ride a bike and talk on his cell phone AT THE SAME TIME!

9.)                Gisele Bundchen says her modeling career doesn’t define her. I’m wondering what does, then.

10.)            More stars are “Just Like Us” because they eat frozen yogurt, take out the trash, and buy vitamin water in bulk. I’d better start doing these things more often if I ever want to make it in show business.

11.)            Beyonce wore some strategically-placed lace to the Met Ball in NYC, yet her ass managed to hang out anyway.

12.)            Wanna smell like skank? Then get your Kardashian-sized ass to the internets to buy Kim’s latest fragrance!

13.)            Matthew Fox is the latest Lost star to get nabbed for DUI. He decided to wait until the series finished filming to be stupid, unlike three of his former co-stars.

14.)            A bunch of people I’ve never heard of have gotten married. And a few people I have heard of are planning to walk down the aisle, including cell phone biker Alec Baldwin.

15.)            A Teen Mom star got a boob job for her boyfriend. She also got pregnant for him, but that was a big OOPS!

16.)            Christina Aguilera is feuding with Adam Levine on The Voice. Levine pushed his protégé to sing “99 Problems,” which contains the lyric “I’ve got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one.” Christina assumed the song was about her and given her propensity to think everything is about her, she may be right.

17.)            Kim K and Kanye West are talking marriage! Well, not talking, exactly. Kanye is merely rapping about it.

18.)            Beyonce had a stage built in her NYC penthouse apartment.

19.)            Russell Brand was spotted drinking water!!!!!!!

20.)            Jessica Simpson finally gave birth to a daughter she named Maxwell. And she has a crystal chandelier hanging in the nursery. Seriously, can’t these people consider donating a little money to a worthy cause rather than blowing it on stupid shit?

21.)            I think the most embarrassing thing about me is my addiction to the Real Housewives franchise. When it comes to theNew Jerseytrainwreck, I’m staunchly on Melissa Gorga’s side in her feud with Teresa Guidice, who is completely batshit crazy. And an idiot. But stupidity makes for great TV.

22.)            Adam Yauch, aka the Beastie Boys’ MCA passed away from cancer last week and I am heartbroken. He was by far my favorite Beastie with his deep, raspy voice. It’s too soon for musicians from my generation to be dying!!!

23.)            Us Weekly is once again bragging about how accurate its stories are, despite the frequent use of unnamed sources. In a double-page spread, the mag blasts In Touch and Star for making up stories about Brangelina and J Lo. Of course, Us Weekly is right. Those stories were complete bullshit, but Us is known to take liberties with the truth as well, which is why I love them!

24.)            I am saddened by the fact that a movie just 20 years old is already being remade because Hollywood can’t seem to come up with original ideas anymore. Colin Farrell is the new Schwarzenegger in this year’s version of Total Recall. Meanwhile, over in chick flick land, we have Magic Mike – the story of a male stripper. Something tells me my husband won’t want to join me at the theater for this one.

25.)            Speaking of bad movies, another upcoming film is Battleship, based on the flippin’ BOARD GAME! What’s next? Candyland: The Movie? I think I heard a rumor about that, so it could be happening. I hope they make it a horror film.

26.)            Us Weekly teaches us “how to rock red lips.” Um…I think you do this by wearing red lipstick and not getting it on your teeth.

27.)            The Bachelorette is back and you know what that means! I’ll be learning a lot about it by reading Us Weekly.

Mahalo for reading, ladies and germs! Aloha until next week!


One Response to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Only a little bit about the Bachelor franchise this time)”

  1. Thanks Susie! I would NEVER know all of this crap without you, as I don’t read the crap in the magazine. Thanks for the condensed versions!!! Glad that you had a great trip!! Randi

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