If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Spinoff – the Real Ex-Housewives of New Jersey!) May 21, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:09 PM

She may be the closest thing to a “housewife” Bravo has ever seen, since she doesn’t have nannies to help with her four kids, but Teresa Giudice also fits the Bravo requirements of being a money-grubbing bitch!

Hello, again, dear readers and/or enablers! This week’s Us Weekly is all about the Real Housewives of New Jersey, my favorite train wreck. Well, it’s not ALL about them. It’s about some of this other stuff, too.

1.)             Sofia Vergara of “Modern Family” fame has ended her four-year relationship with her boyfriend. As usual, the cause is her rising stardom. Some people just can’t handle success when it’s not their own.

2.)             John Travolta, as you may have heard, is making the gossip rounds by allegedly being a closeted bi-sexual. Several male massage therapists have made claims that he offered them money for a little honey. The latest is a cruise ship employee, who claims Travolta offered him $12,000 for sex in 2009. He’s apparently a serial groper, too. And rumor has it, Jeff Conaway (Johnny’s “Grease” co-star) stopped speaking to the actor following a similar experience. Travolta’s publicist says he will be just fine despite the slew of accusations. Possibly because I’m sure there are a lot of male masseurs out there who would gladly take him up on his offer.

3.)             Nicole Kidman isn’t very tight with her kids from her marriage to Tom Cruise. I imagine it’s because Nic isn’t wrapped up in the psychobabble that is Scientology.

4.)             Megan Fox thinks she’s a doppelganger for Alan Alda, while Michelle Pheiffer thinks she looks like Howard the Duck.

5.)             No one wants The Bachelor host Chris Harrison to be the next bachelor following his split from his wife. No one except me, I guess. I’d actually WATCH the show to see the host on the other side of the roses.

6.)             TheJerseyShorecast is quite certain they will soon have another cast member soon – in the form of Snooki’s spawn. Cast member Vinny Guadagnino says the baby isn’t kicking inside the womb, it’s fist-pumping. I’m scared!

7.)             Johnny Depp recently refused to dance during an appearance on Ellen. “When I’m doing the film and it’s choreographed and you’re in character, it’s all right. But in life, I’d rather swallow a bag of hair.” I completely see his point.

8.)             Duchess Kate is looking lovely as always. And, as always, there’s no “story” to go with the pictures.

9.)             Celebrity moms actually spend time with their kids! The way Us Weekly depicts this, you’d think it an anomaly.

10.)       Lisa Rinna does not look good in a bikini. Her stomach resembles Madonna’s arms. Nasty!

11.)       Four pages of photos of the Met Gala inNew Yorkand I can’t find a single person dressed tastefully.

12.)       No trouble in paradise. Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still dating. No story in paradise either.

13.)       Drew Barrymore isn’t letting her pregnancy slow her down when it comes to wedding planning. “The wedding is going to have a very ethereal vibe,” says an “insider.”  Cameron Diaz is said to be one of the bridesmaids.

14.)       No pressure! Nick Cannon says he wants his 1-year-old twins to be doctors and Mariah Carey wants them to be singers. Personally, I hope they become plumbers. There’s good money in that!

15.)       “Modern Family” star Sarah Hyland recently underwent a kidney transplant. The donor was her dear ol’ dad.

16.)       Sean Bean was arrested for allegedly harassing his ex-wife. Can anyone tell me who Sean Bean is?

17.)       Oh, good. This will certainly be great for her recovery from the tragic death of her mother earlier this year. Bobbi Kristina Brown and her extendedHoustonfamily will star in a new reality show. Because we all know what a positive impact reality shows have on families. Lifetime has just ordered 10 episodes of “The Houston Family Chronicles,” which will follow the lives Whitney’s relatives.

18.)       Meanwhile, The X Factor is slumming again. In what seems like minutes after they announced Britney Spears will be the latest new judge, they also hired on Demi Lovato, 19, to come on board. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Demi will have an on-screen meltdown, as she underwent treatment at “an undisclosed location” for completely losing it and claiming exhaustion. Or was it acid reflux? That seems to be the other go-to excuse for bad behavior.

19.)       Richie Sambora’s daughter just LOVES Denise Richards. Ava Sambora is also the daughter of Heather Locklear and says she would love it if her dad and Denise would get married. Something tells me mama isn’t going to be pleased reading about this in Us Weekly.

20.)       Nikki Reed is easy to please. She says her favorite moment with boyfriend and former American Idol contestant Paul McDonald was “in the back of our pickup with our dog, some sleeping bags, his guitar, and two Coronas.” Ooh! White trash kinky!

21.)       Reese Witherspoon may beAmerica’s Sweetheart, but her daddy is a little freaky-deaky. He’s embroiled in a bigamy scandal after Reese’s mother filed suit against him. Reese’s mom claims 70-year-old John Witherspoon married another woman while still married to her. But in her divorce case, she cited his “alcoholism, infidelity, overspending, and hoarding.” This guy is just LOADED with positive traits! And now he claims he has no idea who this second wife is, but the family claims he is suffering from early onset dementia. Finally! Someone who makes me feel like my crazy family is somewhat normal!

22.)       In Brangelina news, Brad and Angie are shelling out $24,000/month for a mansion inSurrey,England. They’re probably renting so they don’t have to deal with the hassles of homeownership, like having to repair the disposal or something. This way, they’ll only likely pay $5K for a plumber to take care of it for them.

23.)       ESPN hottie Erin Andrews is being pursued by a stalker again. Okay, maybe not quite a stalker. Just Chace Crawford from “Gossip Girl.”

24.)       Nick and Vanessa Lachey were spotted eating pizza.

25.)       Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is the cover star of this week’s issue and if you don’t watch her show, you’re a better person than I. Her husband is a total slimeball who breaks the law and verbally abuses “Tre” and their four daughters. But Teresa is making the best of a bad situation – by talking to every gossip rag that will listen to her side of the story. The woman may be one of the biggest morons to roam the planet, but her lack of brain cells hasn’t hurt her ability to profit from family drama, much of which she herself has caused by badmouthing everyone, then making excuses for her rotten behavior. This is great TV, people!

26.)       Kourtney Kardashian had an unnecessary baby shower. The girl is filthy rich for no good reason and this is her second child, but she’s happy to accept overpriced gifts from her pseudo-celeb friends and family anyway.

27.)       In news no one cares about, three American Idol finalists each share 25 things we don’t know about them. In my case, there’re a lot more than 25 things I don’t know about them, but I was positively FASCINATED to learn that Joshua Ledet is terrified of feathers and that there is a contestant named Phillip Phillips.

28.)       Katherine Heigl has been an outspoken critic about herHollywoodprojects, which has resulted in people turning their back on her professionally. But she is still clinging to the spotlight by sharing news on her second adoption. I’m happy for her, even though I think she’s kind of a bitch.

29.)       “Battleship” is much more than a movie loosely based on a board game. It’s the inspiration for the uninspired to make MORE movies about board games. (I hear “Candyland” is in the works – cereally!) But model/actress Brooklyn Decker is very excited to be a part of such a ridiculous project because she got to use a gun that isn’t even allowed in theUnited States. But most importantly, Decker talks about co-star Rihanna’s ass. “We decided that I’m going to borrow her butt for a day – and she’s going to borrow my breasts.” Can’t wait for the Us Weekly scoop on that procedure!

30.)       Johnny Depp (swoon!) loved playing Barnabas Collins in “Dark Shadows,” a movie based on a decades-old soap opera of sorts. Because the role required he wear “razor-sharp talons,” he commended the crew for being there in his times of need: “Luckily, I had a troupe of people who helped me go to the bathroom!” Johnny also puts Robert Pattinson (of Twilight, for those who live under a rock) in his place. “There’s room for two vampires on this block,” he said, “as long as (Robert) remembers I’m the alpha!” Again, SWOON!

31.)       You can buy an iPhone case that looks like brass knuckles for a mere $99.

32.)       Sacha Baron Cohen may not make the best movies, but he has his hilarious moments. In character as The Dictator, he says, “I’ve made love to Britney Spears, Beyonce, and Kim Kardashian – and they never get away. There is no escape from the desert. Within hours, they shrivel up and look like a mug shot of Lindsay Lohan.”

33.)       Retro swimsuits are making a comeback. Now if only the retro female body type (you know – the one with CURVES) would come back as well, I’d be a happy camper.

34.)       Pick up this week’s issue if you want to learn to tweeze your eyebrows to look like the stars. But not one of the stars pictured is Jennifer Connelly, who could seriously use a tweeze.

35.)       John Mayer has a new album out. Just when I was getting used to not hearing about his exploits anymore.

36.)       I think I’ve finally found a reason to watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians!” In the new season, Khloe confronts Kris about rumors that she is illegitimate. She doesn’t look much like her sisters or Robert Kardashian, so let’s get that DNA test done, shall we?

37.)       Lady Gaga is the latest celebrity to make an appearance on The Simpsons. Her episode, in which she gives pep-talks to kids with low self-esteem and FLIRTS WITH MARGE, aired May 20. I missed it, so thank goodness for the DVR.

38.)       You can’t get through an issue of Us Weekly without seeing an ad for diet pills disguised as a news article. In this issue, the advertisers actually admit that consumers are excited, but experts are concerned. “They’re flying off the shelf, but they’re not for everyone.” Interesting way of marketing your product, makers of TriAdalean.

39.)       Christina Ricci must have just received a new car as a gift and used the giant bow on the back of her dress.

40.)       The latest in fashion? Skeleton-inspired clothing. Us Weekly calls the celebs who wear this crap “freaky fashion cadavers.” One can only hope someday that will be the literal truth.

Wow! I can’t believe how much I learned this week! I hope you learned a little something, too. Let’s have a conversation! Tell me about the best thing you learned from this week’s Us Weekly! And keep on slummin’ by reading my blog!


One Response to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Spinoff – the Real Ex-Housewives of New Jersey!)”

  1. Janae Says:

    Thank to you, I have learned that in order to look just like a celebrity, all I have to do is tweeze my eyebrows just so! Who knew it could be so easy? On the other hand, what kind of celebrity are we talking here? Because I can think of a few I would NOT want to look like!

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