It’s the “Hot Bodies” double issue of Us Weekly this week, which I hate because it’s just a bunch of pictures of beautiful people and, well, their hot bodies. But for you, I have forced myself to page through the issue and report the important stories that other magazines let fall through the cracks. Don’t thank me. I’m just doing my job.
1.) Disco Queen Donna Summer passed away, which is really sad because that woman could WAIL! But I question the number of Us Weekly readers who are old enough to actually know who she was.
2.) Angelina Jolie knows how to spend her gazillions. She recently dropped $1.6 million on a helicopter with flying lessons for Brad.
3.) Bill Paxton is this week’s star in the “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” feature. I’m not sure why, since he’s not exactly a HUGE star, so pretty much everyone knows pretty much nothing about him.
4.) This week’s surprise split is 52-year-old Linda Hogan (Hulk Hogan’s ex) and her 23-year-old boy toy Charley Hill. This is a surprise how??? I’m pretty sure the entire universe saw this coming.
5.) Jackie Chan is quitting action movies. Finally he can now star in the romantic comedies he was destined for.
6.) Quote of the Week: “Ultimately, I’d say no. But I would just have to take the meeting.” –John Mayer on whether he would ever accept an offer to be The Bachelor.
7.) William and Kate are still beautiful and Kate is still fashionable and Harry is still a party boy. NEXT!
8.) Mark Zuckerberg got married! I hope someone bought him shares in Facebook as a wedding gift.
9.) The Billboard Music Awards happened. Fun fact: There are more awards ceremonies inAmericathan there are days of the year.
10.) There’s a nice group of pictures from the filming of The Great Gatsby. I am so looking forward to this movie!!!
11.) Celebrity daughters love their tutus.
12.) It may be worth it for you to buy this issue just for the “Born the Same Year” feature. Some stars have aged more gracefully than others.
13.) I am an advertiser’s dream. There’s an ad for Drumsticks and now I’m dying for one.
14.) Stars are “just like Us” because – GASP – they carry their own umbrellas! Well, David Beckham does anyway. A lot of celebs have PUHs (Personal Umbrella Handlers).
15.) Brangelina attended the Cannes Film Festival and, shockingly, they were photographed there. A lot.
16.) The next season of Dancing with the “Stars” will feature an all-“star” cast. Producers hope to get Melissa Rycroft, Gilles Marini, Bristol Palin, Kyle Massey, Chelsea Kane, Lance Bass, Kelly Osbourne, and Mario Lopez. Lopez may feel obligated to sign on because A) he’s desperate for attention, and B) he was the one who accidentally leaked the story that DWTS was doing an all-star season.
17.) Jillian Michaels, who admits she has never really had much contact with children, adopted a 2-year-old girl fromHaiti.
18.) Kotex wants women to break up with their tampons. But breaking up is so hard to do!
19.) In Housewives news: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong is still teetering on the edge of sanity following the suicide of her abusive husband and her mental breakdown during last season’s filming. Producers have reportedly asked her not to drink when filming this season’s shows. The request was made after Armstrong had a drunken scream-fest with co-star Brandi Glanville. I’ve gotta side withTayloron this. Glanville accused Armstrong of trying to profit from her husband’s suicide by penning a tell-all book. Then Glanville turned around and signed on to write her own book about her breakup with ex-husband Eddie Cibrian. Hypocrisy drives me crazy, even if it’s that of a stupid reality star.
20.) Bristol Palin’s baby daddy Levi Johnston has not been able to seduceHollywoodas he’d planned. He moved back in with his mom inAlaskaand reportedly hasn’t paid child support in more than two years. Keep it classy, Levi!
21.) Justin Theroux was spotted looking for coconut oil at Trader Joes!!!!
22.) Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy are teaming up for a buddy cop comedy from the director of Bridesmaids. This could be good.
23.) Jenny McCarthy, who hasn’t really been seen much since her breakup with Jim Carrey, is returning to her roots and posing for Playboy’s June issue. Yes, boys, she will be totally NAKED!
24.) Britney Spears is feeling the pressure of becoming a judge on X Factor. It’s just a stupid reality show, Brit-Brit! Get over it! Apparently, she is so nervous she is BITING HER NAILS!!! I think she may wind up checking into rehab for “exhaustion” sooner rather than later.
25.) Pregnant Snooki has evicted herself from theJerseyShorehouse. Who knew she could make a rational decision?? Meanwhile, you can probably expect to be bored with the show this season. Vinny has anxiety issues, Pauly D has his own spinoff, and “The Situation” is considering bringing in a sober coach to live in the house following his recent stint in rehab for – you guessed it! – exhaustion.
26.) Us “pays tribute toHollywood’s finest” in the Hot Bodies feature. The story wouldn’t be complete without features on Reality TV’s finest. The boys from MTV’s The Challenge and the ladies of the Real Housewives are pictured in their skivvies.
27.) Rihanna keeps going on vacation. If she’s not paddleboarding somewhere, she’s taking off her top in the ocean.
28.) The benefit of the Hot Bodies issue is all the cute boys with their shirts off. I, for one, really do want to “meet the men of Magic Mike.” For those who don’t know, Magic Mike is a movie about male strippers that I plan on seeing as soon as possible. My favorite is Matt Bomer. Downside: He’s gay. L
29.) Thank GOD Us Weekly knows you can look fabulous after 40, since that is my present age. Whether or not you can get meaty roles after 40 is still in question.
30.) Howard Stern is allegedly displaying his “sweet side” onAmerica’s Got Talent.
31.) Thank goodness for the story on “Floral Jeans Dos and Don’ts.” My take? Don’t wear floral jeans.
32.) The “do-rag” is making a comeback. This time on women. And they look ridiculous.
So that’s it, gang. 32 things I learned by reading Us Weekly! And now that you know these things as well, go out and educate the world because this stuff is IMPORTANT!