susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Lose weight, make the cover!) June 4, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 1:45 PM

Well, Kelly Clarkson dropped a few pounds. This and much, much more is what I learned by reading this week’s Us Weekly!

 

1.)                Usher, who we all have to blame for discovering Justin Bieber, is in a nasty custody battle with his ex. He’s claiming she hit him and spat on his current girlfriend. She’s claiming he’s a big, fat cheater. Apparently, she discovered him in bed with their nanny. Well, at least he’s sleeping with people he knows will take good care of his spawn.

 

2.)                Jessica Simpson popped out a 9-pound baby and it had nothing to do with all the fast food she used to eat. It was a REAL BABY! Anyway, now that she’s a mommy, she’s swearing off drive-thrus.

 

3.)                Jane Lynch spoke to the 2012 graduating class ofSmithCollege, saying: “If life gives you lemons, grab it by the horns and drive. And, yes, I just mixed three metaphors. Remember, I was a C student.”

 

4.)                Angie Harmon has a deceptively small handbag. She can keep a lot of crap in there!

 

5.)                Teresa Giudice and Alexis Bellino are the two dumbest Housewives on Bravo. Alexis thinksCosta Ricais inMexico, and Teresa thinks her brother wants them to go see a physical therapist to work out their problems.

 

6.)                There are 25 things I don’t know about Miranda Cosgrove and not one of them is the fact that I don’t really know who she is.

 

7.)                Brad Pitt is staying connected to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston by getting her haircut.

 

8.)                Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon & Kate + 8, says her kids desperately want to be back on TV and 83% of Us Weekly readers think she’s full of shit.

 

9.)                The Cannes Film Festival happened. And I wasn’t invited!

 

10.)            Miley Cyrus tends to forget important items of her wardrobe before going out. Sometimes it’s her bra, other times it’s her pants. And she was snapped riding her bike and having to hike down her miniskirt so no one could see her woogabongo as she rode pantiless.

 

11.)            American Idol may soon become more successful at matchmaking than The Bachelor. Former season finalists Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo announced their engagement on the May 23 finale.

 

12.)            Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne is only “close to a proposal” according to a story on her love life with an NYC-based vegan chef.

 

13.)            The Biebs is in a little trouble and could face jail time, which would make me giddy! Just the news has me bouncing on the couch (not quite Tom Cruise-style). He is being investigated for assault after he reportedly smacked a paparazzo who was snapping pics of Justy and his lady love Selena Gomez. THEN, he smacked into a glass door on stage and gave himself a little concussion. I’m thinking Windex may have themselves a new spokesman.

 

14.)            Joining the throngs of other people worried about Britney Spears is Simon Cowell. Apparently, Brit-Brit tends to zone out while she serves as a judge on Cowell’s X Factor. She’s also a little erratic. Did Simon read the gossip mags over the past 5 years regarding Britney?? This should come as no surprise.

 

15.)            Mark Zuckerberg, founding father of Facebook, had a “quirky” honeymoon. Perhaps because his IPO didn’t go as well as predicted.

 

16.)            Bachelorette Emily Maynard has pissed off the parents of her late fiancé by going back to the show and putting her 6-year-old daughter with said fiancé through the reality TV wringer.

 

17.)            Tom Cruise is a terrible bowler.

 

18.)            KELLY CLARKSON LOST WEIGHT! Personally, I always liked that Kelly was normal girl-sized rather than a waif, but the pressures of the music biz apparently got to her. And so did her boyfriend, whom she credits for her ability to follow her “simple” diet plan.

 

19.)            Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are obviously “the real deal” because they flaunted their love atCannes. My question is why they were even invited.

 

20.)            Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel had a star-studded engagement party. It was so romantic, it appears they even arrived in separate cars!

 

21.)            John Travolta may or may not have trouble getting back rubs from anyone other than his wife. It depends on what the masseurs are into, I suppose. Rumor has it he is settling on an undisclosed amount with one of the massage therapists who accused him of a little hanky-panky during their session.

 

22.)            Us Weekly’s idea of “Sizzling Summer TV” includes “The Real Housewives of New York City,” “Snooki & JWoww,” and “Teen Mom.” If your idea of a good TV moment does not involve bad reality television, you are apparently SOL.

 

23.)            Ladies! There is more than one way to get silky-smooth legs!

 

24.)            Rihanna, who you may have tired of already, has decided she’s working too much. Still waiting for Katy Perry to make that announcement.

 

So that’s it, gang! That’s what I learned this week. Now I feel like curling up in a nice pair of PJs just like the stars featured in Us Weekly’s Fashion Police.

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