What’s Emily hiding? That’s the top story of this week’s Us Weekly. Don’t know who Emily is? She’s the Bachelorette, of course, which means that stupid show will be on every cover until the season ends. And I will continue to make fun of it without watching it because it’s stupid. But there’s other stuff to snark about, too. Like this stuff:
1.) There’s a Lost feud going on and this one isn’t between the writers and the audience over that ridiculous and infuriating finale. Apparently Dominic Monaghan, who played rock star Charlie on the show, is pretty pissed off at Matthew Fox, who played hero doctor Jack. Fox was charged with hitting a woman on a bus not long ago and Monaghan is not afraid to dish about it in the press. “He beats women. Not isolated incidents. Often.” Wow! That statement really packs a punch. Pun intended.
2.) Charlie Sheen is off the wagon, which should come as no surprise to anyone ever. He prefers his vodka straight because “ice is for injuries.” And he’s still totally batshit crazy. “I am Jaws. I am the alter ego of the shark.”
3.) Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame watched a shit ton of reality TV to prep for an upcoming film role, which included Kardashian-related shows. She described Kim K as “superlow culture.” Gotta side with Emma on this.
4.) Clint Eastwood’s daughter Francesca received death threats after setting fire to an Hermes Birkin handbag on her reality show.
5.) Snooki is still pregnant.
6.) A fashion trend I don’t understand and hopefully never will is pregnant women wearing belts.
7.) Aretha Franklin, 70, apparently loves hula hoops. I’d pay some hard-earned cash to see her use one.
8.) Suri Cruise is SO last year! Violet Affleck is now the go-to tot when it comes to accessorizing.
9.) She may have cleaned up her look, but Nicole Richie is releasing a fragrance called “Nicole.” I imagine it will smell like skank and used condoms.
10.) Andy Samberg has finally retired from SNL. Remember when cast members would only stay for five years so they didn’t overstay their welcome? I hope you’re reading this, Tim Meadows!
11.) In sad news, Desperate Housewives (and former West Wing) star Kathryn Joosten passed away from lung cancer. No one could play crotchety like Joosten!
12.) Adam Levine is no longer on the market (take THAT, Jennifer Love Hewitt!). He’s now dating one of his ex-girlfriend’s friends. Hopefully this one won’t dump him on the internet.
13.) Uma Thurman must really miss being able to drink now that she’s preggers. Her sister recently threw her a baby shower with a pink elephant theme.
14.) Mary-Kate Olsen, 26, has reportedly claimed she can’t find a man mature enough for her. So now she’s dating a 43-year-old who happens to be the half-brother of former French President Nicolas Sarkozy.
15.) Nick and Vanessa Lachey were spotted in St. Lucia on their “babymoon.” I hate this term. What fun is an exotic vacation if you’re fat and can’t enjoy a fruity cocktail?
16.) So Emily Maynard has some “shocking secrets,” not one of which is her obvious desperation for a man. I mean, the woman is on her second round of trying to find a mate on a reality show not exactly known for its happy endings. I would reveal one of Emily’s secrets, but that would require that I read the article.
17.) Meanwhile, Bachelor Pad, which stars rejected Bachelor and Bachelorettes, did have a happy ending. Two cast members tied the knot. I don’t know who they are, but they sure look pretty.
18.) There was a Royal Jubiliee for Queen Elizabeth’s 60 years on the throne and the useless royals were out in force having their pictures taken.
19.) So Drew Barrymore got married. The Bachelorette is more important to Us Weekly than Drew’s nups, though. At least ol’ Drew made the cover of this week’s People.
20.) Poor John Mayer. The notorious womanizer got his feelings hurt when Taylor Swift wrote a song about what a cad he is. He dated her and dumped her when she was 19 years old!
21.) There are shorts for every shape! Except “curvy” is represented by Jennifer Lopez, whose only curve is her ass.
22.) Mark Zuckerberg and his new wife shared some photos from their Italian honeymoon. He reportedly honeymooned on the cheap, too. They had one of their meals at McDonald’s!
23.) If Kim Kardashian were president (perish the thought!), she “would make the American genocide more recognized.” I’m shocked she knows what the word genocide means.
24.) Members of the British boy band The Wanted know what they want in a woman: “One who takes of her bra!”
25.) Us Weekly has some fine recommendations for Father’s Day gifts. Buy him a bottle of Scotch and be done with it!
26.) Us Weekly also has some fine recommendations for what you should include in your summer beach bag. Don’t forget the lip gloss, ladies!
Well there you have it, folks! I am educated and now so are you! Until next week, PEACE OUT!