A teen mom is NOT PREGNANT and is hurt by the lies. Said lies were printed in In Touch, with the headline “I’m Pregnant!” This is what I learned before I even opened this week’s issue of Us Weekly.
1.) What may be considered to be good news to the general public is sad news for Khloe Kardashian. She’s and her husband Lamar Odom are having fertility problems and in true Kardashian fashion, she’s opening up about her struggles via the tabloids.
2.) Brit and Mitt apparently have something in common. Besides being horrible, horrible people. They each have car elevators in their homes!
3.) Amber Portwood, the sadly unattractive Teen Mom not on the cover of this week’s issue, is in jail and will remain there for 5 years. She actually chose jail over recovery treatment for her drug addiction, proving she’s still as stupid as she was when she got knocked up in high school.
4.) Denise Richards put the kibosh on rumors that she is getting back together with Charlie Sheen. “I’m way to old for him … he likes 20-year-olds.”
5.) Justin Bieber is a romantic, according to his girlfriend Selena Gomez. He rented out theStaplesCenterfor a private screening of Titanic. Nothing says romance like star-crossed lovers and death. Meanwhile, little Justin has also released a new fragrance called “Girlfriend.” It smells eerily like desperation.
6.) So Kanye and Kim Kardashian are still together. She bought him a $750,000 Lamborghini for his 35th birthday.
7.) Sarah Michelle Gellar is “just like Us” because she buys diapers in bulk. Jennifer Lawrence is “just like Us” because she used a flippin’ ATM!
8.) True Blood’s Joe Manganiello is really, really sexy with his shirt off.
9.) If you don’t have any semblance of self-preservation, you can purchase an Us Weekly Collectors Edition magazine all about One Direction, the boy band that should consider that direction to be AWAY.
10.) Stars own dogs!
11.) If you pick up this week’s issue, you can see pictures of stars wearing the American Flag on various items of clothing, including Sir Paul McCartney, who was photographed wearing really fugly flag sandals.
12.) Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston touredEuropewhere Jen broke a strict restaurant dress code by wearing a minidress.
13.) Portia de Rossi chopped off her long locks and now more closely resembles her wife, Ellen Degeneres. I didn’t know there was a rule that all lesbians have to have short hair.
14.) In couples news, Revenge co-stars Emily VanCamp and Josh Bowman are happy because “he dotes on her,” while Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas, co-stars on Once Upon a Time, have a “fairy tale romance.” How cleverly put, Us Weekly!
15.) David Arquette did the filing in his divorce from Courteney Cox. Seems like the sane person in the relationship should do the filing, but I digress.
16.) Giuliana and Bill are having a boy. Or rather their surrogate is having a boy.
17.) Lindsay Lohan blames work for the “exhaustion” that led to her being found unconscious in an LA hotel room. Is she really that employable?
18.) In casting news, Rob Lowe may star as Liberace’s plastic surgeon in the HBO movie “Behind the Candelabra.” Nice title, HBO.
19.) Real Housewives of New Jersey sisters Caroline and Dina Manzo are speaking again! Much to the chagrin of Teresa Giudice, who allegedly fueled the feud flames.
20.) Former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky got the brush-off from Rob Kardashian after she was spotted shamelessly flirting with him in Vegas. At least one Kardashian knows how to avoid drama.
21.) Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, who played boyfriend and girlfriend on That 70s Show, are dating, but not “official.” Apparently, “they’ve been hot for each other for years.” But I guess dating and screwing don’t qualify as being “official.”
22.) As previously reported, Teen Mom CatelynnLowelldenies rumors that she’s preggers again. I guess getting knocked up at 16 makes you rethink your choices. I don’t know how the pregnancy rumors started, since the former chubster just dropped 20 pounds. Meanwhile, her 3-year-old daughter is thriving with her adoptive parents.
23.) Rihanna is still asking for a beating. The moronic singer is still seeing her ex, Chris Brown, who famously beat her up in 2009. But she’s also flirting with Drake, a rapper who is vying for her affections. The love triangle resulted in a bloody throwdown between Drake and Brown at an NYC club. At least the boys were beating on each other and not a woman for a change.
24.) Jack Osbourne has been diagnosed with MS, but vows not to let the disease beat him. Usually people don’t have a choice in the matter, but I wish him well.
25.) “For Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi and Jionny LaValle, prepping for baby means ignoring hates, shopping for blingy infant dudes, and having fun in bed.” MY EYES!
26.) Tom Cruise is apparently no longer that crazy couch-jumping man he was a few years ago. According to Us Weekly, everyone loves the batshit crazy Scientologist.
27.) Wynonna Judd got married and didn’t invite her mom Naomi or her sister Ashley.
28.) I have clearly reached “cougar” age, as the “Hot Guys of Summer, stars of ABC Family shows, are all half my age.
29.) Seafoam is the new black.
30.) Us Weekly recommends reading actual BOOKS.
31.) Olivia Munn can take a computer apart and put it back together.
32.) In a feature that’s close to my heart, Us Weekly teaches us how to pronounce celebrity names with weird spellings. I’m a stickler for pronunciation, so I’m loving this.
33.) Jennifer Aniston actually made a fashion faux pas! Finally! She, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez, and Orlando Bloom were all caught wearing denim Hammer pants. If that doesn’t make you feel better about yourself, I don’t know what will!
So that’s all the news that’s fit to print. Stay tuned for next week’s exciting report on Bachelors, Royals, and Kardashians. I’m just guessing here, but you get my point.