susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Hey, Johnny Depp, this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe) June 29, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:33 PM

Come here, Johnny. Let me take the hurt away.

Johnny Depp is nursing a broken heart and I, for one, would be more than happy to help him heal. This and more is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

 

1.)               Ann Curry got dumped from the Today Show presumably because she has no chemistry with Matt Lauer. Personally, I think she’s just too good a newswoman for that campy show that hasn’t been good since the days of Jane and Bryant. I wish bigger and better things for her.

 

2.)               Roberto Martinez, who was dumped by Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, could be the next Bachelor, assuming the producers are willing to pay his $750,000 asking price.

 

3.)               In “Why???” news, Kristin Stewart has made it to the Forbes list of highest paid actress after raking in $34.5 million last year. She is the youngest celeb to make the list. I can’t stand the perennially miffed actress because she just seems so nonplussed all the time. But to each their own.

 

4.)               In an attempt to email her son’s dentist pictures of the boy’s swollen gums, Jenny McCarthy accidentally emailed him a nude photo of herself. Common mistake.

 

5.)               “It made me … put a chastity belt on!”JerseyShore’s JWoww said about Snooki’s pregnancy. Yeah, it had that effect on the entire nation, I think.

 

6.)               Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox went toHawaiion a “babymoon,” a concept I’ll never understand. Why go to paradise when you’re preggers and can’t enjoy the fine cocktails the islands have to offer??

 

7.)               Prince William fed a rhinoceros.

 

8.)               If you thought Jessica Simpson had giant knockers before, you should get a load of her monstrous post-pregnancy cleavage now! She currently uses it to store her cell phone, but I think she could probably fit the entire contents of her purse in their. And she usually carries a humongous handbag!

 

9.)               Grunge is back! Pull out those flannels and get dressed down!

 

10.)          Kim Kardashian is one of many superstars (heh heh) who EATS ICE CREAM!

 

11.)          Celebrities are clumsy. Or stupid. Or both. A number of them have gotten themselves a few boo boos recently.HalleBerryhas a broken foot, Anne Hathaway’s arm is in a cast, and the aforementioned JWoww was snapped riding one of those scooters for the fat and infirm because she sprained her ankle. During a bar brawl.

 

12.)          So Madonna is still making videos.

 

13.)          Lindsay Lohan is still playing Elizabeth Taylor in a biopic on the iconic actress’s life. I think even Richard Burton might be rolling around in his grave. I’d say Larry Fortensky, but he’s still regrettably above ground.

 

14.)          Alexander Skarsgaard is “just like Us” because he used a basket while shopping!

 

15.)          John Mayer’s latest conquest is Jennifer Morrison of Hunger Games fame. She’s 21 and he’s 34.

 

16.)          Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are having TWINS! I hope they have a boy and a girl to represent her admitted love of both genders. (She’s married to a man, but opened up about being bisexual.)

 

17.)          Oprah Winfrey appears to be desperate to stay relevant after leaving her talk show by bonding with Kim Kardashian.

 

18.)         HalleBerrymay have received her previously mentioned injury by trying to kick her lawyer’s ass. She has been ordered to pay her ex, Gabriel Aubrey, $20,000 a month in child support.

 

19.)          Joan Rivers’ face is finally going to start sagging. She recently announced she has stopped Botoxing. “I couldn’t blow out the candles on my birthday cake.” Zoiks!

 

20.)          NBC is apparently on a firing rampage. The network showed no sympathy for Jack Osborne, who was recently diagnosed with MS. They fired him from a summer reality series that documents “celebrities” attempting military exercises.

 

21.)          Poor Johnny Depp! Us says he tried really hard to salvage the relationship with his longtime love Vanessa Paradis, but it turned out she was just too big a bitch. Okay, Us Weekly didn’t really report that. In sad news, he decided not to wait until meeting me and is already palling around with Amber Heard.

 

22.)          Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux went on a romantic, and public (thanks to Us Weekly!) vacation toEurope.

 

23.)          Katy Perry admits she wasn’t ready to have Russell Brand’s child, which is what led to their breakup. With Snooki’s demon spawn on the way, it’s probably good that she saved the world from this potential tragedy.

 

24.)          While most teen moms probably find it difficult to find boys willing to put up with their mistake, er, little blessing, Maci Bookout can’t seem to get rid of her BF.

 

25.)          Bachelorette Emily is a total diva! Us Weekly reports she’s scheming for a bigger TV gig, screams at producers, measures guys by their money, throws fits about hair and makeup, and totally DISSED host Chris Harrison. I’m not sure how any of this is a surprise.

 

26.)          Matthew McConaughey has no problem playing bongos in the nude, but it took him a little while to get into dancing in a thong for Magic Mike.

 

27.)          In ugly fashion news, short suits are the latest trend. There’s nothing professional about short-shorts and a matching blazer.

 

28.)          In case you didn’t already know, Us Weekly teaches us how to wear leather pants. Wear them with open-toed shoes, don’t get baggy pants, and offset the look with a loose top. Guys, are you listening?

 

29.)          Magic Mike was obviously not reviewed by a woman. It only received 2 ½ out of 4 stars!

 

30.)          Maroon 5’s latest album is called “Overexposed.” Are you listening to yourself, Adam Levine? I didn’t think so!

 

31.)          Aubrey O’Day wore a barely-there leotard to an event in Vegas. Fortunately, she carried her two accessory dogs to protect the goodies.

 

Stay tuned for next week when today’s big news – the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce – will likely take over the entire magazine! I, for one, can’t wait to hear how he’ll finally hook up with John Travolta. Maybe they can get his-and-his massages!

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