Katie Holmes has had ENOUGH! Yes – ALL CAPS ENOUGH! And thank God, because not only does it mean she’s sane, but it also means there’s absolutely nothing in this issue about The Bachelorette! Woohoo! Here’s what I learned by reading this week’s Early Edition Us Weekly.
1.) Charlie Sheen can’t stay sober. Surprised? Apparently, he pleaded with his ex-wife Denise Richards to go on a trip to NY with her and their daughters while Denise was promoting her latest stupid movie. Charlie promised to be straight, but promptly ignored his children and trashed a hotel room just like the last time they tried this. Apparently, he wanted a family photo op with the kids and ex at the premiere and wound up pissed off and disappointed when the girls reneged. Maybe Denise will take a page from the Holmes handbook and finally get the hell away from him!
2.) Dylan McDermott helped investigators solve his mother’s unsolved murder by simply asking them to reopen the case. This makes him a real-life crime fighter, according to Us.
3.) SHOCKING! Celebrities admit to wearing hair extensions! I, for one, TOTALLY BELIEVED their hair had grown six inches overnight. It just takes a little hair Viagra, right?
4.) Ann Curry is none to pleased with Matt Lauer for his role in getting her kicked off the Today Show. Set sources said you could cut the tension with a knife as she bid teary farewells to everyone but him.
5.) Rumors circulated that Russell Brand took Charlie Sheen to a yoga class, but they are FALSE! “If one thing would be guaranteed to ruin yoga, it would be the presence of Charlie Sheen,” he said. I don’t know. I think the presence of Russell Brand might ruin it, too.
6.) Stars’ kids are “just like Us” because they play with wheelbarrows, can’t parallel park, and throw away trash.
7.) In non-news, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are still happily married. Come ON! Where’s the DRAMA??
8.) Miley Cyrus, 19, is engaged and now Us Weekly says she wants to have a baby STAT.
9.) As expected, silver screen doofus Zach Galifianakis is marrying a ballerina. Yeah. I can’t wait to see the wedding photos either.
10.) Tony Parker is missing out on playing hoops in the Olympics because of an eye injury he sustained while trying to break up a Rihanna-based brawl between Drake and Chris Brown.
11.) It wasn’t all magic on the Magic Mike set. Apparently, Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer just don’t like each other.
12.) Weight Watchers is betting $4 million that Jessica Simpson will lose all her baby weight by the end of summer. If you’ve seen pictures of the girl’s rack lately, you’d know that’s not exactly a safe bet. Her boobs probably weigh 20 of the 70 pounds she gained while pregnant.
13.) Kim Kardashian is the only person in the world with Kanye West’s cell phone number. West “doesn’t like to be tied down by technology,” a source says. “It frustrated Kim. She had to call him through a bodyguard.” But he recently got himself a “secret cell phone.” God forbid Kim K should be inconvenienced.
14.) The story we’ve been waiting 7 years to hear is the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes breakup. It was destined to happen the minute he jumped the couch back in 2005. Katie is also smart enough to be asking for full custody of Suri so she doesn’t grow up with Scientology. I don’t know why the girl thought this whole marriage to Tom Cruise thing was a good idea in the first place, but at least she finally came to her senses and reportedly fled in the middle of the night while he was filming inIcelandto her own place in NYC.
15.) Adele is having a baby!
16.) Speaking of babies, Kristin Stewart was overheard telling a pregnant woman she wanted to have a baby someday, so now the story is that Kristin wants to get knocked up by her boyfriend Robert Pattinson AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! This is how rumors get started.
17.) Hunter Parrish, who is best known for playing Silas on “Weeds” is also a musician who is releasing his first record soon.
18.) Oh, Lord. There’s a new reality show called “Beverly Hills Nannies.” Hide your children! This sounds like it could be a real train wreck.
19.) Stop bearing your navels, ladies. Belly shirts are SO last season!
That’s all the news that’s fit, or unfit, to print this week. Stay tuned to next week’s edition when there will undoubtedly be much more about the Bachelorette.