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What I learned by reading Us Weekly: The Katie Holmes double feature July 23, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:28 PM

It’s a festival of Katie Holmes as I recap TWO WHOLE WEEKS worth of what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

 

WEEK ONE:

 

1.)             Taylor Swift has a “Kennedy Crush.” She’s been flirting with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s son Patrick. Apparently, she’s an obsessed Kennedy fan, so I hope she’s ready for tragedy.

 

2.)             Feud of the Week: PETA vs. the Olsen Twins. PETA hates these girls for promoting fur and while I’m not firmly on the side of PETA because they’re a little crazy, I have to side with them on this one.

 

3.)             BREAKING: Anderson Cooper is gay. Carry on.

 

4.)             Chad Ochocinco recently got married and live tweeted the entire event.

 

5.)             Tie-dye is making a comeback and it isn’t pretty.

 

6.)             The stars of Magic Mike are photographed with their proud parents. Channing Tatum, who was an actual male stripper for a time, didn’t tell his parents about his career choice. Maybe they found out about it by reading Us Weekly!

 

7.)             There is a “bitter rivalry” brewing between Andrew Garfield (Spiderman) and Robert Pattinson (sparkly vampire). Because they are British and around the same age, people seem to expect them to be besties, but they just don’t like each other. Us Weekly failed to elaborate further.

 

8.)             Demi Moore is reportedly not speaking to her daughters. They don’t like “walking on eggshells” around her and she reportedly bailed before her youngest daughter received her high school diploma. Maybe she was hoping to hit up one of the high school parties early to make sure there was still enough whipped cream cans to go around.

 

9.)             KATIE HOLMES NEWS PART ONE: Us Weekly proclaims that Katie blindsided Tom with divorce papers to save her daughter from Scientology. THEN, a “source” says Katie didn’t do it to expose Tom or Scientology. I’m confused.

 

10.)       A new Kardishian has been kreated.

 

11.)       Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are FIGHTING. Maybe she was nagging him for getting caught driving 80 mph in a 60 mph zone in a car that shouldn’t belong to a teenager. He was rewarded with a speeding ticket.

 

12.)       There’s a feud among the Real Housewives of New York. Crazy-eyed Ramona just doesn’t like creepy-smiled Heather and isn’t afraid to say so. Heather is just so FAKE. And Ramona is just Ramotional.

 

13.)       Sweet Blake Lively is playing a pothead who gets around with the boys – a far cry from her role on Gossip Girl as a rich bitch who gets around with the boys.

 

14.)       Nicki Minaj is voicing Steffie the Mammoth in the latest Ice Age movie.

 

15.)       Amy WInehouse’s dad is speaking out about his late daughter. He supported her decision to get a boob job, but didn’t want her to get rhinoplasty. “I went mad … this was ridiculous.”

 

16.)       Us Weekly tells readers how to play up their assets as if they can possibly look like celebrities by buying expensive makeup products.

 

17.)       There’s a new show called “Hollywood Exes” about the throw-away wives of celebrities. They were thrown away for a reason, I imagine. Maybe because they’re attention whores.

 

And – onto PART TWO!

 

18.)       Katy Perry can actually dress like a normal person. Still waiting for a similar story on Bjork.

 

19.)       There’s been a big shakeup on American Idol – everyone got fired! Well, JLo’s camp says she had too many other obligations, but I think that’s just code for getting fired.

 

20.)       Stars claim they want nothing more than some respect for their privacy, then go on to overshare about stuff we have no business knowing about. Like Jane Fonda having a fulfilling sex life at the ripe old age of 74.

 

21.)       Justin Bieber admits that he would get his ass kicked by the members of One Direction. Are you listening, Pay-Per-View??

 

22.)       So Comic-Con happened.

 

23.)       Pregnant ladies refuse to give up their heels. I think sometimes the bigger they get, the higher the heel. Which is insane.

 

24.)       Naomi Watts is playing Princess Di in a movie biopic and she’s really got the look down!

 

25.)       Nick and Vanessa Lachey had a date!

 

26.)       Brad Pitt fights zombies in his upcoming film, and is also fighting his director, Marc Forster. Apparently Brad will only speak to the director through an intermediary. Mature.

 

27.)       For Sofia Vergara, it appears to take multiple break-ups to finally get that diamond ring. Within weeks of her most recent breakup with her boyfriend, he proposed.

 

28.)       Jillian Michaels has apparently realized when you leave a hit show, you become a really Big Loser. She’s campaigning to get back on the show.

 

29.)       Paris Jackson, daughter of the late King of Pop, is getting into acting and Auntie Janet is not pleased.

 

30.)       MORE KATIE HOLMES NEWS: She’s happily ensconced with Suri in NYC. That is all.

 

31.)       The Bachelorette is down to the final two and I still don’t give a shit.

 

32.)       Sylvester Stallone’s son died of a reported drug overdose. Sad, but not surprising.

 

33.)       Us Weekly speculates about what Kris Humphries must be thinking about his ex-wife’s PDAs with Kanye West. Among the supposed “insults” is Kanye is short! Harsh!

 

34.)       A controversial “diet pill” has hit the market and there’s a long story about it in a full page ad. Not sure what the selling point is here.

 

I don’t feel very educated, even after two full weeks of reading Us Weekly. I may need to pay more attention to People.

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