susieworld

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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Hell has frozen over! Jen is remarrying!) August 18, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:28 PM

Suck it, Brangelina! Jen’s gettin’ hitched!

In the wake of the RPats KStew breakup, there is happy news! Jennifer Aniston got engaged! This and so much more is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

 

1.)                Real Housewives of New Jersey fans are familiar with the tragic story of Teresa Giudice and her husband “Juicy” Joe. Joe is a fat pig who “forgot” his mic was on when he called his wife a bitch and c*nt. But Teresa is blinded by love and is standing behind her douchey husband.

 

2.)                The Osbournes are boycotting NBC, which probably doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things since NBC’s ratings are already in the toilet. But apparently Jack Osbourne got dumped from the ridiculous reality show “Stars Earn Stripes” because he has MS. Sharon has announced her plans to quit her job as a judge on the NBC “talent” fest, America’s Got Talent. I’m not sure why she was a judge in the first place, since she has no talent to speak of.

 

3.)                Celebrities discussed their first hangovers with the editors of Us and Lady Gaga reported that she was surrounded by chicken and waffles and cuddling her weave “like a teddy bear.”

 

4.)                ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS: Miley Cyrus cut her hair. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

 

5.)                Ryan Lochte is being considered as the next charming contestant on The Bachelor and only 40% of Us readers think he’d be a good choice.

 

6.)                Lisa Kudrow on her Real Housewives addiction: “I think it’s important to watch the end of the world happening.”

 

7.)                Beyonce went on vacation and took some pictures.

 

8.)                The newest celeb couple is Katy Perry and John Mayer.

 

9.)                Taylor Swift is apparently obsessed with the Kennedys. She’s dating a Kennedy grandson and dresses a lot like Jackie O.

 

10.)            OMG!!! They’re finally filming Arrested Development again!

 

11.)            Shiri Appleby got engaged. Don’t know who she is? Yeah, me either.

 

12.)            Sorry, ladies. Zach Galifanakis is officially off the market.

 

13.)            Everyone on the planet is telling Robert Pattinson to dump Kristen Stewart after she was caught on camera cheating. He’s hiding out at Reese Witherspoon’s place while he plans what to do next, though you can hardly call it hiding when it’s reported in a trashy gossip magazine.

 

14.)            Kim K and Kanye West vacationed in Hawaii, but it was more business than pleasure.

 

15.)            Us asks the important questions about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. Like “why she said yes.”  I think she said yes because he friggin’ asked her to marry him! The girl’s not gettin’ any younger, people. Of course Us got her reaction to the proposal from “sources close to the couple.”

 

16.)            Meanwhile, the Brad and Angelina wedding is still on.

 

17.)            The Spice Girls are apparently “sexier than ever.”

 

18.)            Breakups seem to do wonders for some celeb ladies who dropped pounds and are out on the prowl. Us calls them “revenge makeovers.”

 

19.)            Denim shirts are making a comeback.

 

20.)            Duchess Kate does pretty things with her hair.

 

21.)            America’s Next Top Model is back! Which gets me thinking, “Is that show still on?”

 

22.)            Just when you thought reality TV couldn’t get any worse, E! scrapes the bottom of the barrel again with “Married to Jonas.”

 

23.)            Oprah may have ditched her talk show, but this queen of self-importance continues to air specials called “Oprah’s Next Chapter” on her personal cable network. In this week’s episode, she travels to Barbados to do humanitarian work – interviewing Rihanna.

 

24.)            Did you know there are more awards shows than there are days in the year? One I don’t understand is the Do Something Awards, which seems to think Justin Bieber is totally charity-minded. It was pretty charitable when he suggested that Prince William look into hair replacement therapies.

 

25.)            Based on what’s being released this week, I am now positive I made the right decision when I decided to stop going to movies.

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