I am shocked and saddened by the cover story in this week’s Us Weekly regarding Bachelorette Emily cheating on her “true love” Jef with one F. This show has such an amazing success rate! Cheat on your other gossip magazines with me as I list the mess of stuff I learned by reading Us Weekly!
1.) Not everyone should be rocking orange.
2.) Kim Kardashian’s divorce is continuing to go on considerably longer than her 72-day marriage. All the back-and-forth drama means the relationship won’t officially end until next year.
3.) Blair from “Facts of Life” is going to be a contestant in the upcoming season of Survivor. We’re not at Eastland anymore.
4.) Chelsea Clinton is considering a career in politics.
5.) Rashida Jones wants John Travolta to come out of the closet.
6.) Suri Cruise is learning to ride a bike.
7.) Ryan Lochte may be an Olympian medalist, but he’s also kind of a douche.
8.) Pamela Anderson is going against type and playing a lifeguard in a Brazilian TV show.
9.) President Obama knows his shaved ice. He may have been born in Kenya (hahahahahahaha!), but he was raised in Hawaii.
10.) Celebrity kids enjoy wearing fedoras. And they rock them harder than their parents do.
11.) Us Weekly decided to try out Miley Cyrus’ new haircut on a bunch of other stars. Ryan Gosling kinda rocks it.
12.) Scarlett Johansson went to Paris with her boyfriend and they ate scallops in a restaurant. The kicker: “They didn’t seem interested in the food,” according to a witness.
13.) Stacy Keibler is still George Clooney’s beard.
14.) Jimmy Kimmel got engaged to the head writer of his show. Ben Affleck is going to be so disappointed.
15.) Real Housewife of Atlanta star Kim Zolciak had her fourth child. His name is Kash.
16.) Wynonna Judd’s husband had to have his left leg amputated after a motorcycle accident, but Us Weekly says she’s remaining “country strong.”
17.) The Kardashian Kollection klothing line is spreading like herpes, launching in 13 countries this fall.
18.) There’s a whole story on Jennifer Aniston’s engagement ring, but no one seems to be able to get a photo of it. So she’s “showing off her sparkles” to everyone except Us Weekly.
19.) Britney Spears apparently got cold feet and her wedding is OFF!
20.) Carly Rae Jepsen wrote her infamous song, “Call Me Maybe” about her boyfriend. Then she got famous and dumped him.
21.) Bachelorette Emily’s SHOCKING betrayal has me turning the page to better stories.
22.) Taylor Swift is apparently so obsessed with the Kennedys, she’s jumping too fast into a relationship with one – 18-year-old Conor, who is four years her junior. Us Weekly thinks it’s too much too soon.
23.) Kristen Stewart can’t stop crying after completely f*cking up her relationship with sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson by hooking up with the married director of her latest film. Hard to feel sorry for her.
24.) Celebrities are making their mark in the world by unintentionally dressing like Sesame Street muppets. Except in the case of Lady Gaga, who clearly wanted to look like Elmo. I dare you to try and tickle her.
Feeling edumacated yet? If not, stay tuned for next week’s saga of What I Learned by Reading Us Weekly.