Jessica Simpson is apparently a big, fat cow! Nevermind that she just had a baby and has always had quite the rack going on. She’s enormous and the Us Weekly doesn’t like it. Now that I know Us Weekly’s definition of “fat,” here is what else I learned:
1.) Britney Spears’ troubled past is coming back to haunt her! She’s being sued and the lawsuit makes some pretty amazing allegations. For example, she shaved her head because she was doing meth and didn’t want anyone to find out about it through a hair follicle test.
2.) Kate Gosselin is fired! No, Donald Trump had nothing to do with it. Ol’ Kate was blogging about couponing and apparently didn’t live up to the company’s standards. The mom of 8 has bigger and better plans for her future – a reality dating show, which I can guarantee will never make it to air.
3.) Uma Thurman named her baby Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurmon-Busson. It’s the hyphen in the last name that will really piss people off.
4.) A bunch of celebs are distantly related to one another. The weirdest is Halle Berry, who is regrettably related somehow to Sarah Palin.
5.) The best advice Ryan Lochte ever received was the classic “Be Yourself” from his dad. I guess daddy didn’t know that actually meant being a total douche.
6.) Oprah Winfrey has a hobby – bathing. And there’s a scary picture of her in a bathtub to accompany the “story” about it.
7.) Christina Aguilera likes to go commando.
8.) Us Weekly got all clever using pictures of various celebrity kids using cell phones presumably to call Suri Cruise.
9.) John Mayer and Katy Perry are getting serious! Us Weekly knows this because Katy got to meet John’s dad after a whopping four months together.
10.) Kim Kardashian wore a sinfully awful white eyelet dress in Italy for a birthday trip with her latest boy toy, Kanye West.
11.) Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani are breaking records! They’ve been married for an entire decade!
12.) Two people from desperation TV’s “Bachelor House” have broken up. I’m shocked at this news since reality TV couples are always in it for the long haul like Gavin and Gwen.
13.) Flavor Flav was arrested in Vegas after allegedly attacking his fiancée and her kids with two knives. This news will come as a surprise to everyone who figured Flavor Flav was already in jail.
14.) Chevy Chase is the latest celeb to offend the bejeezus out of his co-stars by uttering the N-word on set. I have another N-word for him – NO!
15.) Back to the long-lasting reality TV couples! Emily Maynard is really pissed because her ex, the guy she got engaged to on her SECOND appearance in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, is writing a tell-all book about her. Apparently, Em thinks people actually care enough about her to buy the book.
16.) In Jolie-Pitt news, the kids got out of the house again. And they had burgers with their “manny.” (For those of you out of the loop, their nanny is a dude.)
17.) Heidi Montag Pratt, some plastic surgeon’s dream come true, was spotted hosting an anniversary party for a strip club in Vegas. She probably spent her time there reminiscing about when she was relevant for unknown reasons.
18.) Honey Boo Boo tried spaghetti with “fancy” sauce at the restaurant owned by Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’ Lisa Vanderpump.
19.) Celeb moms have big plans for their children’s Halloween costumes. No word on how they’ll dress their dogs.
20.) Jessica Simpson wants to be a “phenomenal role model” for her daughter Maxwell. So she’s dieting to lose weight instead of teaching that people of all sizes are beautiful. Really – the girl doesn’t need to lose weight, she just needs to hire a decent stylist.
21.) Us Weekly readers know how to ask the important questions. Chris Downey of Portland, Maine wants to know what President Obama would do with a day off. The President smartly said he’d volunteer for his reelection campaign – after spending time with his family and catching a Bears game.
22.) The Wedding of the Century happened! Okay, it’s the wedding of the century only until Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt marry their respective significant others, but I digress. Ladies, I’m sorry to say Justin Timberlake is officially off the market. But I’m sure if you’re hot enough, he’ll cheat on Jessica Biel with you! Oh – and Justin’s former bandmates were N’Snubbed! Only two of the four N’Syncers were actually invited to the ceremony. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone didn’t make the cut – possibly because they’re both media whores.
23.) In other baby news, the world has been cursed with yet another Trump. Donald Jr.’s wife had a boy last week. Let’s hope this one never makes a run for president.
24.) Lance Armstrong has been banned from cycling for life in addition to being stripped of his Tour de France titles. This means Lance and I are tied for number of wins in the Tour de France!
25.) HOLY CRAP! People actually wear white after Labor Day????
26.) I’m not the only one rocking sexy glasses these days. Kim Kardashian, Christina Hendicks, Dakota Fanning, and Mary J. Blige have been snapped wearing some not-as-sexy-as-mine-are frames.
27.) There is more than one way to wear a ponytail.
28.) Annnnnnnd… Magic Mike is out on DVD. Pardon me. Gotta go.