If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: It’s not you, it’s me.) November 9, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 2:30 PM

Keep screwing up in love, Taylor. It’s great for your career!

Oh, Tay-Tay! You’ve written so many bitter breakup songs! Isn’t it time to consider that maybe YOU’RE the problem? Us Weekly and I both think so!


1.)                The Bachelor winner is actually more of a loser. Courtney Robertson claims she felt “brainwashed” during the few months she spent living with her Bachelor ex-fiance Ben Flajnik. Fortunately, she’s learned her lesson about finding love on TV. Wait. No, she hasn’t. She’s currently dating Bachelorette alum Arie Luyendyk.


2.)                It’s been 14 years since their breakup and she married to someone else, but Kate Moss has yet to get over Johnny Depp.


3.)                Lady celebs don’t like to wash their hair very often. In fact, Adele simply doesn’t use shampoo!


4.)                Stay classy, Frasier! Kelsey Grammar and his wife brought their 3-month-old daughter to a Halloween party at the PlayboyMansion.


5.)                Justin Bieber is a fraidy-cat! He’s scared of Hollywood, flying, kissing his girlfriend, elevators, and sharks.


6.)                Cheryl Hines is a self-proclaimed “never nude.” Fans of Arrested Development will get this.


7.)                Husband stealer Gisele Bundchen is having another baby with Tom Brady.


8.)                Snooki was photographed without makeup!


9.)                Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul takes out his own garbage. Probably because he doesn’t want anyone else to find the remnants of a meth lab in his trash.


10.)            AUGH! There’s an ad for the Elizabeth Taylor biopic starring train wreck Lindsay Lohan! La Liz is most certainly spinning in her grave, assuming she wasn’t cremated.


11.)            Meanwhile, another Bachelor/Bachelorette alum, Emily Maynard, has bounced back from her failed TV romance by hooking up with some NASCAR dude, while season 7 couple Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum went ring shopping.


12.)            Carmen Electra and Simon Cowell dated! Eeeeewwww!


13.)            Sharon Osbourne got proactive and got a double mastectomy after learning she had the gene for breast cancer.


14.)            Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos survived Hurricane Sandy.


15.)            Cover Girl Taylor Swift has broken up with her latest boyfriend, 18-year-old Conor Kennedy, who is four years her junior (and still in high school!). She seems to believe her career and relationships don’t mix, but her string of exes, many of whom also work in entertainment, seems to grow ever longer, leading me to believe it’s time for her to reevaluate herself or just admit she’s only dating people in order to write angry hit songs about them later. I learned in a previous Us Weekly that Taylor’s current hit “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is about Jake Gyllenhaal.


16.)            He plays a vampire that sparkles and in real life, Robert Pattinson is just as sappy. He is back with his cheating girlfriend Kristen Stewart, but is apparently not ready to trust her again. DUMP HER, YOU MORON!


17.)            A Teen Mom is preggers again. Leah Calvert, mom to 2-year-old twins, got knocked up by her current boyfriend a few months after she miscarried. Do they not teach about the wonders of birth control in South Carolina??


18.)            TEEN IDOLS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Well, most of those featured have yet to ditch the spotlight, so this is a pointless “article.”


19.)            If you haven’t been in a store lately, you might not be aware that the retail holiday season is upon us. In fact, Costco started celebrating the holidays in August! But all this means to Us Weekly is that long-anticipated movies will be released come yuletide. Of course, I’ve never heard of any of the films mentioned, but apparently people have been waiting for them with baited breath.


20.)            Adam Levine made a guest appearance on American Horror Story and his arm got ripped off. I need to start watching this show!


21.)            Funky patterned jeans are where it’s at.


22.)            Real Housewives fans are getting to know some new housewives in Atlanta and Beverly Hills this season. Among them are an aspiring singer (shocking!), a former actress (wow!), and the wife of a music mogul (desperate!).


23.)            Brittany Snow was bullied in high school.


24.)            Statement lipstick, which is essentially lipstick in every shade known to man, is what the celebs are rocking. I’m not sure what it is about beige lipstick that makes a statement, but Us Weekly thinks it does.


25.)            A fashion don’t is strapping a GIANT BOW to your head. Anyone who does it looks ridiculous.


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