If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: news from the Real Housewife of Fremont) November 17, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 10:47 AM

I know it will come as a surprise to viewers, but there’s a catfight going on among the Atlanta housewives.

“Reality” TV takes center stage (again) in this week’s Us Weekly, which is dishing on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I can’t WAIT to share what I learned, so here goes:


1.)                Reese Witherspoon named her new son Tennessee. I suppose it’s better than naming your baby after a piece of fruit, but I’m thinking she could have come up with a better state. No offense to Tennessee, which is home to some great music, but I’d have gone with something that gave a little more direction. Like South Dakota. South for short.


2.)                Ashley Judd is reportedly being BEGGED to run for Senate in 2014. Maybe she should aim a little lower to start. Like city counsel or something.


3.)                Kirstie Alley may be fat, but she’s also a slut.


4.)                Apparently orthodontia is no longer needed. Famous people embrace their gapped-tooth looks. Michael Strahan is the worst offender. You could fit an Italian sausage between those choppers!


5.)                Donald Trump is a douche. Okay, this isn’t news. But NOBODY picks on Brian Williams and gets away with it.


6.)                Britney Spears is in talks to write an autobiography. I hope she can spell “me.”


7.)                Dancing with the Stars pro Cheryl Burke is in talks to become the next Bachelorette.


8.)                Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are eternally grateful to Reese Witherspoon for giving birth on the same day as Megan and taking the attention away from their birth.


9.)                Kate Moss dissed Christy Turlington because Christy was caught wearing a twin set. The HORROR!!! Kate, shut up and go sniff something white and powdery.


10.)            Kate Middleton was caught wearing the same dress TWICE! Oh, the humanity!


11.)            Guys! Guys! Rihanna is going nekkid for GQ.


12.)            Tom Hanks is playing Walt Disney in an upcoming film.


13.)            Break out the hankies. Twilight is finally going away. “Lucky” for us, Kristen Stewart’s cheating scandal will likely keep her and Robert Pattinson in the headlines for months to come.


14.)            Apparently, John Stamos is still relevant enough to be photographed riding a roller coaster.


15.)            Famous bi-sexual Anna Paquin just won’t talk about her twins. I don’t mean her boobies, I actually mean BABIES.


16.)            Mary-Kate Olsen is dating a 42-year-old man and it’s kind of gross.


17.)            Justin Bieber is back on the market, pre-teen girls. But apparently he’s doing everything he can to get back with his ex, Selena Gomez, including proposing marriage. Justin is also apparently tattooed, which is also kind of gross. Not that I have anything against tattoos (I have two), but Justin Bieber with tattoos kind of takes the romance out of it for the rest of us.


18.)            In Brangelina news, they have messy pizza parties with their kids.


19.)            Kim Kardashian plans to lose 10 pounds (probably entirely from her ass), and she’s turned to Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer to get it done.


20.)            Jason Trawick apparently talks smack about his fiancée, Brit-Brit. To prove his case, he puts her on speakerphone so other people can hear her crazy rants. A “source” says it’s not likely they’ll make it down the aisle and I’m inclined to agree.


21.)            Bachelorette update: Ashley Hebert and her TV fiancé will get married in a two-hour special. Bachelorette host Chris Harrison will officiate. How romantic! Do you think she’ll carry roses?


22.)            Brooke Burke has thyroid cancer. She annoys me, but that’s sad news.


23.)            REAL HOUSEWIVES FANS (you know who you are): Kim Zolciak is quitting the show and Kenya Moore is a raging bitch who can’t seem to get along with anybody. Meanwhile, Kim has been replaced with new girl Porscha Stewart whose claim to fame is nothing that I can find. And ousted wife Sheree claims she’ll never return to the franchise and wants viewers to think it was her idea to leave.


24.)            In sad news, Ariel Winter, who plays Alex on Modern Family, was removed from her mother’s custody following years of verbal and emotional abuse. Here’s hoping this little talent will be strengthened by the court-ordered change.


25.)            She’ll never get another juicy fat girl role – Marissa Jaret Winokur lost 60 pounds, which counts her out for a Hairspray sequel.


26.)            It’s the Music Issue and eternal short-term girlfriend Taylor Swift leads the pack. Also, Psy teaches readers how to dance Gangnam Style.


27.)            There’s a short Q&A with Nicki Reed, but something went wrong at the printers and the page is so faded, it’s illegible. So if you want to know about her, you’ll have to pick up another magazine.


28.)            The latest in celeb fashion is contrasting patterns. Don’t try this at home. It’s AWFUL!


29.)            Ankle boots are where it’s at this winter, which is good for me, since I just got a new pair from Zappos!


30.)            Friends, the complete series, is now available on Blu Ray. Still, you won’t be able to get a good look at Ugly Naked Guy.



Stay tuned for next week when the Justin-Selena breakup will likely be reported more in-depth. I can hardly wait.


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