susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: this blog is cheaper than any Black Friday special!) November 23, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 1:40 PM

Will and Kate have made holiday plans for lots and lots of sex!

From drug overdoses to fat people in plaid, I’m back with the Black Friday edition of what I learned by reading Us Weekly! So buckle up and don’t forget to turn the iron off. Here we go!

 

1.)                Jon Bon Jovi’s daughter was arrested for drug possession and overdosed on heroin in her dorm room at HamiltonCollege. A “source” says Stephanie Bongiovi (Jon’s real last name) is a wild child, but “she’s not a crazy partier.” I beg to differ. Heroin is pretty crazy.

 

2.)                Apparently, there are 25 things we don’t know about Heather Locklear. But there’s no mention of her derailment and subsequent DUI arrest. I guess that’s because we all already know that about her. She does admit to not drinking as much water as she should.

 

3.)                Macy’s is ignoring the public’s request to drop Donald Trump’s fashion line after his post-election Twitter rants became public. At least he isn’t designing a line of toupees.

 

4.)                Daniel Craig says Rihanna would make a better Bond girl than Beyonce because “she’s dirtier.” Hmmmm….

 

5.)                Jennifer Aniston attended an event in a black and white number that reminded Us Weekly of the famous prom dress worn by Kelly AND Brenda in Beverly Hills 90210. Remember that episode? It’s the one in which Brenda gave up the big V to Dylan, but before Kelly got Brenda’s sloppy seconds.

 

6.)                One Direction is really annoying. They’re comparing themselves to the Beatles and there’s going to be a 3-D movie about them. The only thing I can think of to compare One Direction with the Beatles is the word HELP!

 

7.)                Kendall Jenner is 17 and she’s already approaching Level Red in the Kardashian Alert System.

 

8.)                2012 is the Year of the Redhead. Too bad for redheads that Us Weekly didn’t make this determination until the year is almost over.

 

9.)                Taylor Swift is apparently already working on her next album of breakup songs. She’s now “hanging out” with Harry Styles of One Direction. I hope she writes something nasty about him.

 

10.)            Johnny Depp has uttered those three little words every woman wants to hear. But he didn’t utter them to me. Amber Heard is the lucky winner of Johnny’s heart.

 

11.)            In maturity news, Katy Perry reportedly hid under the table to avoid a confrontation with her ex, Russell Brand.

 

12.)            Apparently, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have concluded the breakup portion of their relationship.

 

13.)            Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore apparently started a child sex trafficking charity. But since they broke up, the charity has been renamed. I’m not sure if they’re for or against child sex trafficking, since Us Weekly didn’t include the word “anti” in the description.

 

14.)            A two-bedroom home in L.A. ran James Franco $775,000. I would want a few more rooms for that price!

 

15.)            Yes, Reese Witherspoon is still happily married and still has a newborn. Not sure what the update is from last week’s non-story.

 

16.)            Mick Jagger is finally getting some satisfaction in the form of his latest girlfriend. He likes her because she’s independent and has reportedly been “besotted” for more than a decade.

 

17.)            Alex O’Loughlin, the Hawaii Five-0 hottie, named his son Lion.

 

18.)            Us Weekly has decided that Kate Middleton will be knocked up by Christmas. They have reportedly “cleared their schedules” for some baby makin’.

 

19.)            Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson showed up together at the Breaking Dawn premiere, but they’re still “a couple at risk.” Should we call a social worker?

 

20.)            Lindsay Lohan is totally delusional. She says jail was “a blessing in disguise,” regrets nothing, but tells her 16-year-old self not to drink and drive, and believes she’s going to win an Oscar. At least she didn’t have to play against type (much) when she starred as Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie. Liz was also a bit of a train wreck. But you can’t win Oscars for Lifetime movies.

 

21.)            There’s an actor named Jackson Rathbone that I’m apparently supposed to care about.

 

22.)            Stars wear some REALLY ugly clothes. One of the biggest offenders is Cee Lo Green, who was photographed looking like Humpty Dumpty as a lumberjack.

 

23.)            Celebrities who are happy make for a really boring issue.

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