susieworld

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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: You can’t lose weight when you’re pregnant) December 3, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 11:25 AM

us-weekly-jessica-simpson-636Jessica Simpson has gone and gotten herself knocked up again, which won’t be good for her Weight Watchers contract. Luckily, she’ll soon have another chance to drop her baby weight, but not until after months of media reports about how fat she is, when “fat” just equals pregnant. So here’s what I learned about that and more by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)              A teen mom is engaged and he didn’t go to Jared. He went to Zales.

 

2.)              CBS is run by a bunch of dicks. They canned Jennifer Esposito from “Blue Bloods” because she requested a lighter workload. The poor dear has an autoimmune disorder, but CBS doesn’t give a rat’s ass.

 

3.)              The animals used in The Hobbit WERE injured in the making of the film. Four livestock wranglers reported that their sheep, goats, and even a miniature pony died during the making of the film. Director Peter Jackson denies the allegations, but nobody likes to hear about a dead pony and I’m pissed!

 

4.)              Us seems to think that people care what Fran Drescher keeps in her purse. Among the items is pepper spray. The woman seems to think she’s still important enough that someone would want to attack her.

 

5.)              Kelly Osborne is “double jointed EVERYWHERE.” She says it makes her clumsy, but I’d say men who like a gymnast in bed would be intrigued.

 

6.)              Bullying is alive and well on Twitter. Jason Biggs decided to take his frustration out on desperate for love Bachelorette Emily Maynard. He commented on her “weekly physical transformation into Heidi Montag.”  OUCH!

 

7.)              Taylor Swift on an ex who asked her not to write a song about him: “Of course, I was like ‘Oh, don’t worry. I won’t.’ But then I did.” She recently shot a video for a song called “I Knew You Were Trouble,” so let the speculation begin as to who that’s about.

 

8.)              Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn, 6, has stepped into her late mother’s footsteps and is modeling for Guess.

 

9.)              The American Music Awards happened and all I cared about was missing “Once Upon a Time” due to the broadcast. Psy, famous for his Gangnam Style, hooked up with M.C. Hammer and rocked the Hammer pants.

 

10.)          Surprisingly, Jared Leto makes a really ugly woman.

 

11.)          Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are still blissfully happy, despite rumors to the contrary.

 

12.)          Guys! Mayim Bialik is back on the market!

 

13.)          Twitter bullying reached a whole new level last week after Chris Brown deleted his account following a tweet argument with comedienne Jenny Johnson. But he didn’t go away before threatening to shit in her mouth. Rihanna can sure pick ‘em.

 

14.)          Born again child star Angus T. Jones went on a rampage, telling viewers not to watch the filth that is Two and a Half Men. He later apologized, but not before the world decided he is batshit crazy.

 

15.)          If you have a spare $23 million, you can buy Madonna’s Upper West Side duplex.

 

16.)          Apparently desperate to stay relevant, Real World: San Francisco’s David “Puck” Rainey, 44, was sentenced to a year in prison for stalking. He probably snuck into the poor woman’s home to blow snot rockets and eat peanut butter with his fingers.

 

17.)          Lindsay Lohan still isn’t making any friends. Despite her claims that she doesn’t want to be known as a troubled child star, she still behaves badly and her Liz and Dick co-stars are talking smack about her. This is NOT the way to go about winning an Oscar.

 

18.)          Jessica Simpson gave birth in May and apparently couldn’t wait to do it again. So much for her $4 million contract with Weight Watchers! And her plans to marry the baby daddy have also been placed on the back burner. Us Weekly says the pregnancy will be a nice distraction from the rumors that her creepy father is gay.

 

19.)          HalleBerry doesn’t have a good track record with men. Her daughter’s father was apparently beat up pretty badly by her current boyfriend, Olivier Martinez. The ex, Gabriel Aubrey, not only had his ass handed to him, he also got arrested.

 

20.)          Sorry, teenage girls. Justin Bieber is on again with Selena Gomez. Apparently, she was worn down by his desperate pleas. There is hope, though! Us Weekly doesn’t think this relationship will last.

 

21.)          Taylor Swift may soon be writing a breakup song about One Direction’s Harry Styles. She’s developed a crush, and I hope he breaks her heart, ‘cause it’ll make for some cute music in the future.

 

22.)          Rihanna is on a 7-continent tour. Wonder if the penguins in Antarctica will appreciate her music.

 

23.)          Dr. Oz has some hangover remedies! Take note, alcoholics. Asparagus omelets, broth-based soup, and peppermint tea with honey will take the edge off, assuming you can keep it down.

 

24.)          Pippa Middleton is an author! She “wrote” a cookbook. Copying recipes and claiming them for your own seems like an easy way to make a buck.

 

25.)          Sparkle this holiday season! Get a dress with sequins for holiday parties and spend the next day vacuuming those stupid sequins that will inevitably fall off.

 

26.)          You, too, can look like a movie star by matching your makeup to your hair. If you’re a redhead, I’d be careful with that orange eyeliner.

 

27.)          It’s just not the holidays without a Tori Spelling TV movie. She’s playing a singer in this one. Can’t wait!

 

Unfortunately for Us Weekly, Kate Middleton didn’t announce her pregnancy until after press time. Stay tuned for next week when Us will play “Guess the Gender,” dress the not-even-born infant in all the latest fashions, and maybe, just maybe, discuss Williams lack of hair.

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2 Responses to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: You can’t lose weight when you’re pregnant)”

  1. Carmen Says:

    You missed the new career move for Scott Disick–Proctologist in training. Khourtney was his first patient. Check it on TMZ–I’m sure US Weekly will have it there next time!! And Ditto on #27.

  2. susieworld Says:

    Eeeewww! Nope. No mention of that courageous career move in Us.


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