My brother has decided to start a band called The Royal Fetus, based on the good news from Buckingham Palace that Duchess Kate has gone and gotten herself pregnant. I think she’s named Prince William as the father. So let’s get down to what else I learned by reading Us Weekly!
1.) A bunch of weird fashion-impaired celebs were snapped wearing t-shirts with an angry Rottweiler on them. According to 100 people in RockefellerCenter, Nicole Richie was the one who wore the look best.
2.) HalleBerry has called a truce with ex-boyfriend and baby daddy Gabriel Aubry. But she waited until her current boyfriend, Olivier Martinez, beat the crap out of the guy on Thanksgiving. This so-called truce involved a few restraining orders, so I don’t think it’s really all that peaceful.
3.) Prince Charles reported the weather for the BBC. I didn’t know he was looking for work, but it’s about time he got a flippin’ job!
4.) Scott Baio hates holding chalk and has only had two pedicures in his entire life!
5.) According to sucky search engine Bing, Kim Kardashian is the most searched for celeb of 2012, which makes me not want to live on this planet anymore.
6.) Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay are totally back together! Okay, not really. It’s just that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry went had coffee.
7.) Celebs don’t like to give their male spawn haircuts. But there are worse things than growing up looking like a girl, I guess. Like having Kourtney Kardashian as a mother.
8.) There’s an ad for Nicki Minaj’s new fragrance Pink Friday, but it looks like it says “Fuck Friday,” which somehow seems more appropriate. And I have a feeling the perfume smells like snatch.
9.) Heidi Montag can read!
10.) I really want Michelle Obama to give me a tour of the White House at Christmas. She’s so rad!
11.) David Beckham retired from soccer. I heard he wants his own talk show, which is frightening to me.
12.) The Hunger Games cast is filming the sequel in Hawaii. I’m not sure what paradise has to do with a deadly game, but whatevs.
13.) Francesca Eastwood will be Miss Golden Globe in February. You may recall her as the spoiled wild child of Clint and Dina Eastwood on Dina’s reality show.
14.) Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively KISSED! Never mind that they’re married. They were totally, like, MAKING OUT!
15.) Matt Damon and his little woman, Luciana, must fight all the time. Us reports that they each try to put the other first. God, that must get tiresome!
16.) Kelly Ripa once played hard-to-get with her now husband Mark Consuelos. “She would reel me in … and release me.” I’m sure she appreciates the fishing metaphor.
17.) Meanwhile, Kelly’s co-host Michael Strahan is engaged to Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife Nicole.
18.) A couple of losers got married. The Biggest Loser contestants Rebecca Meyer and Daniel Wright served gluten-free cake at the ceremony.
19.) Joe Gorga, the mister to Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Melissa Gorga, has named his New Year’s resolution: More kinky sex.
20.) In other housewives news, Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville says that LeAnn Rimes is unstable. I’m inclined to agree, since Brandi’s kids got into LeAnn’s laxatives. But there’s no eating disorder, right?
21.) Yes indeedy! As reported last week, Jessica Simpson’s endorsement deal with Weight Watchers is in trouble now that she’s pregnant again just months after giving birth to daughter Maxwell. Weight Watchers is P.O.ed, but a “Simpson source” says the ads are going to run anyway, with Jess being snapped from the waist up. Hmmm. The plot, and Jessica’s waistline, thickens.
22.) Jay-Z dropped $20,000 on nine pounds of truffles. Candy has gotten expensive! *wink*
23.) Smarmy ex-Bachelor Jake Pavelka is dating sweet little Kristin Chenoweth. But I’ve heard she’s recovering from a head injury, which could explain her poor choices.
24.) The world wasn’t supposed to know about The Royal Fetus, but Kate had a little morning sickness, which sent everyone into a panic and Kate to the hospital. Now we know and Us Weekly can quit speculating on when we can expect a little prince or princess. Us also offers the suggestion that a little girl should be named Diana.
25.) Taylor Swift and One Direction’s Harry Styles are hot and heavy, which is kind of gross. The ever heartbroken breakup song queen admits it’s impossible for her not to fall in love quickly, which means she falls out of love quickly, too, judging from all her hit songs.
26.) Bachelorette Ashley Hebert married her final rose dude and since I’ve seen pics of the ceremony in my handy issue of Us Weekly, I no longer need to watch the stupid televised thing! Wait. I wasn’t planning on it. Media whores!
27.) Sorry ladies, Mario Lopez is off the market. Ol’ Slater married his girlfriend of four years in Mexico.
28.) Us Weekly offers diet tips to get through the winter months. I only took notice of one, though. “Indulge – a little.”
29.) Olivia Munn is temporarily joining the cast of The New Girl as an exotic dancer. She admits she’s a lousy dancer.
30.) Barbara Walters is easily fascinated by people.
31.) Grey’s Anatomy is apparently still on TV.
32.) HopeSprings is out on DVD. And you should buy it because it’s really good and my cousin-in-law wrote it. It’s the perfect stocking stuffer!
33.) Ugh. Chokers are apparently in fashion outside of S&M clubs nowadays. Sweet little Elle Fanning was snapped wearing one.
Give the gift of Us Weekly this holiday season! No, don’t go get a subscription. Tell all your friends to read this blog instead!