If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: turn off the news for a minute and read a little gossip) December 17, 2012

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 3:40 PM
Dear Duchess Kate, Please let Us Weekly tell you how to raise your royal spawn.

Dear Duchess Kate, Please let Us Weekly tell you how to raise your royal spawn.

Something really, really awful happened in Connecticut on Friday, but my so-called favorite publication didn’t give a rat’s ass about that. They simply wanted the world to know that Jessica Alba and her daughter Honor stepped out in matching jackets. I was so floored by the incredible callousness that Us Weekly presented to me on Twitter, that I almost didn’t write the blog this week. But having rethought that, here is what I learned this week – hopefully it’ll take your mind off the tragedy for just a little while.


1.)              A Teen Mom 2 star married her now husband in the same courthouse where he appeared to answer a felony shoplifting charge. After his court appearance, he walked down the hall and married Jenelle Evans, whose mom has custody of her 3-year-old son with another man.


2.)              Rob Kardashian was cheated on – a lot – by his ex, Rita Oro, and he took to Twitter to badmouth her. His tirades started the trending topic #RitaWhora.


3.)               Harry Potter is a thief! Daniel Radcliffe admits that he pilfered two pairs of Harry’s signature specs.


4.)              Khloe Kardashian carries socks in her purse.


5.)              Cee Lo Green once played running back on his high school football team, but has grown into more of a linebacker in recent years.


6.)              Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have designed a handbag that’s covered in prescription pills. True story. And they’re selling it for $55,000. And the pills aren’t even REAL.


7.)              Isla Fisher admits her hubby, “Borat” star Sacha Baron Cohen, is “embarrassing in social situations.”


8.)              Tori Spelling made my day with her resolution for 2013 – she’s gonna stop having kids!


9.)              Us Weekly actually impressed me by not jumping to conclusions about Jennifer Aniston. Us kept mum after Jen was snapped carrying a sweater and bag in front of her stomach, while People decided to declare she’s hiding a pregnancy. Us Weekly shows restraint! It’s a Christmas miracle!


10.)          Kate Winslet wore a really ugly hat to a horse race in Hong Kong earlier this month. Princess Beatrice would be envious!


11.)          Miley Cyrus continues to try desperately to escape her Disney-esque teen queen reputation. First, she got engaged at 19, then she shaved her head, and now she’s performing with pole dancers.


12.)          There are at least 25 celebrities who don’t make New Year’s resolutions and thankfully Tori Spelling isn’t among them.


13.)          Stephen Tyler doesn’t have to try very hard to look like a grandmother trying too hard to look young and hip. Does that make sense? Basically, Steven Tyler looks like an old lady.


14.)          Kristen Stewart is apparently trying to win back Robert Pattinson’s affections by dressing in see-through gowns.


15.)          Awwww! Vampire Diaries’ real-life couple Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder (swoon!) went shopping for a Christmas tree together.


16.)          Weeks after their lavish wedding, Us Weekly has declared that Jessica Biel “tamed” Justin Timberlake.


17.)          Scarlett Johansson has a new boy toy and they KISSED! Ewwww!


18.)          Brooke Mueller, better known as Charlie Sheen’s ex, was rushed to the hospital for (another) suspected drig overdose. Really makes me feel sorry for their twin sons. Some people just really shouldn’t reproduce.


19.)          Shannen Doherty still matters! To one girl, anyway. Shannen was forced to call police after one of her Twitter followers threatened to commit suicide if she didn’t call her.


20.)          Another reality show couple may soon bite the dust. Former Real Housewife of New York Bethenny Frankel and her hubby Jason Hoppy have been fighting and spending time apart. They have a young daughter. I can’t understand people who think their lives are so important that they’re willing to sacrifice family and relationships just to stay on TV.


21.)          Jessica Simpson should prepare herself for another 7 months of the press criticizing her for her weight even though the poor dear is PREGNANT! Breaking news: Jess ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and onion rings while having lunch with a friend. Feel better now that you know that?


22.)          Meanwhile, Busy Phillips announced her pregnancy on Twitter with a picture of the stick she peed on.


23.)          Hayden Panettiere is back on the market, boys!


24.)          In MORE pregnancy news, Us Weekly has decided to offer parenting advice to Kate Middleton based on what they learned from Diana. And there is a brief side note on the horrible story that Kate’s nurse killed herself after being fooled by some radio hosts into connecting them to Kate’s room. But let’s talk about what REALLY matters! Kate will have to give up coffee and liquor! Oh – and what if it’s TWINS! There is no royal indication that it will be, but WHAT IF IT IS!!!


25.)          LeAnn Rimes is a bad, bad stepmom. Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville says her kids aren’t safe with her ex’s current wife. One of the kids reportedly ate one of LeAnn’s laxatives thinking it was candy. Why does LeAnn need laxatives? I don’t think it has as much to do with constipation as it does with staying a little too skinny. This is just speculation of course, but what do you expect from someone like me who reads Us Weekly religiously?


26.)          Demi Moore is growing more and more pathetic.


27.)          Us Weekly thinks Taylor Swift is “moving too fast” in her new relationship with one of those One Direction kids. Don’t they know the faster she jumps into a relationship, the faster she’ll get out of it and write a snappy breakup song about it??


28.)          Shocking! The “ladies” from JerseyShore have had a little work done. Nobody tell Deena, but her plastic surgery didn’t really help.


29.)          Very few celebs can resist the opportunity to wear an ugly Christmas sweater.


30.)          The Hobbit got 2.5 stars from Us Weekly’s movie critic. Perhaps said critic didn’t get as nice a nap as I did when I saw the film over the weekend.


Now go hug your kids close. Until next week….


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