It’s a holiday double feature, kids! Us Weekly was so anxious to get out this week’s issue, that I didn’t have time to cover last week’s before receiving my new one! So now it’s time to cover what I learned in TWO (count ‘em – TWO) issues of Us Weekly. Among my education is that a baby stripper is on the way and another reality show marriage is kaput. So here goes nothing!
1.) Brooke Burke has kicked cancer’s ass! Good for her!
2.) Posh Spice snubbed the other Spice Girls at a photo shoot. Too posh for spice, I guess.
3.) Lea Michele, of Glee fame, has decided to let her boobs do the acting from now on.
4.) Ciara’s middle name is Princess.
5.) Sophia Bush should not have cut bangs. She looks ridiculous.
6.) Storage Wars is totally FAKE! Oh Em Gee!
7.) Perennial fashion victim Kristen Stewart claims she’s a “huge fan of the fashion world now … even if oftentimes I don’t even know what I’m wearing.” Good on you for admitting it, KStew.
8.) Jessica Simpson’s second fiddle, Cacee Cobb, put Jess in the passenger seat when she married Donald Faison.
9.) The Kardashian sisters like to hold hands.
10.) Sarah Jessica Parker hosted the Nobel Peace Prize Concert for reasons I simply can’t fathom.
11.) David Beckham looks like a midget next to Duchess Kate.
12.) Tom Hanks does his own banking!
13.) Queen Elizabeth actually invited Wills’ in-laws to the royal Christmas dinner. Apparently, this is simply NOT DONE.
14.) Teresa Guidice is gonna be flipping more tables when fellow Real Housewife of New Jersey Melissa Gorga (Teresa’s sister-in-law and arch enemy) releases her book on secrets to a happy marriage.
15.) In more Kardashian news (sort of), Rob Kardashian’s ex, Rita Ora, cheated on him with *gasp* Jonah Hill. Rob recently went on a tweeting rampage against her, sparking the trending topic #RitaWhora.
16.) Happy couples make for boring stories. And there are four pages in this issue dedicated to that.
17.) Jennifer Aniston has a wax figure in Madame Tussaud’s New York museum. Not sure how close her clone is to the figures of Brangelina.
18.) Naomi Watts is suing a British rag for claiming she staged an elephant polo match. Naomi claims she is an animal lover, but appears to have no problem abusing her assistants.
19.) A couple of middle-aged guys plotted to kill Justin Bieber.
20.) Hugh Grant apologized for being a dick to Jon Stewart, who claimed Grant was the worst guest ever on The Daily Show.
21.) Yes, ladies, a baby stripper is on the way. Channing Tatum knocked up his wife, dancer Jenna Dewan. They’ve been married 7 years, which is “like 20 in Hollywood years,” she says.
22.) A Bachelorette couple is on again because she’s believing his lies. Us Weekly says Jef Holm is full of doo-doo and Emily Maynard is buying into it. “He wants headlines, not her heart.” Um… DUH!
23.) Kelly Clarkson got engaged and she’s really, really happy about it. Which is better than being miserable about it, I suppose.
24.) Katy Perry and John Mayer are still hot and heavy.
25.) There’s a lot of drama among the Real Housewives franchises. Atlanta non-housewife Kenya is a raging bitch, Brandi Glanville outed Beverly Hills housewife Adrienne Maloof’s use of a surrogate, and the Miami ladies have taped an explosive reunion. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I love this stuff!!!
26.) Megan Fox just had a baby and she says he’s already “bossy.” Sounds like he’ll be difficult to work with later in life. Just like his mama.
27.) If you go online to an Us Weekly website, you can see Kim Kardashian’s Instagram photos. Yippee!
28.) Red lips and smoky eyes are all the rage this season. But not together.
29.) Us Weekly’s top film of 2011 is Silver Linings Playbook. I’ve never heard of it.
30.) Demi Moore is looking worse and worse.
2.) Vampires are OUT and witches are IN!
3.) David Letterman struggles with depression. As do I. But I will never have the opportunity to talk about it with Oprah.
4.) Us Weekly thinks Britney Spears, sporting new bangs, looks like Suzanne Somers from her Three’s Company days. Kind of a stretch, but okay.
5.) “With my luck, I’ll get myself to that perfect goal weight and I’ll get hit by a bus.” –Drew Barrymore
6.) Miss USA won Miss Universe! And I couldn’t care less.
7.) Kim Kardashian might want to rethink wearing teeny bikinis with that badonkadonk ass of hers.
8.) Hugh Hefner’s wedding will feature a lot of pink.
9.) Celeb daughters really enjoy dressing up as pretty, pretty princesses.
10.) Here Comes Honey Boo Boo will be back for an all new season in 2013. Hooray! I think.
11.) The Kardashian Khristmas card was tacky as always. I don’t even think they were all together for the shoot. Thank goodness for photoshop?
12.) So Claire Danes had a baby. But does a classy broad like her get on the cover of Us Weekly? NOOOOO!
13.) I was just thinking to myself that Renee Zellweger hasn’t mattered much for a while now, but here she is in all her lemon-faced glory in Us Weekly!
14.) Simon Cowell is dating Carmen Electra, but she is NOT his girlfriend.
15.) Hugh Jackman’s wife looks more like his mother.
16.) Britney can’t seem to hold down a job for long. Sounds like she might get the boot from X Factor.
17.) Janet Jackson is getting married! And this time she won’t keep it a secret until the inevitable divorce.
18.) Madonna is offended by cigarette smoke and almost canceled a concert because of it. What a bitch!
19.) Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy are getting a divorce and I have a sneaking suspicion her obsession with living in the limelight has something to do with it. Oh, and she apparently hates his very sweet family. Meanwhile, she’s protected her assets so her soon-to-be ex won’t get a penny. Nice.
20.) Oopsie! My previous story about Bachelorette Emily and her final rose winner Jef (with one F) is no longer relevant. They broke up between issues.
21.) Us Weekly says the best news of the year is the Royal Fetus and the worst news was the KStew/RPatz breakup. Huh.
22.) Personally, I think the worst story of 2012 was Snooki having a baby.
23.) Kendra Wilkinson’s New Year’s resolution is to have another baby. And she says it’s going to be a boy because they’re already used to boys. I didn’t know genders could be determined like that.
24.) Epsom salt baths are a good way to cure a hangover. Experts do not recommend my tried and true method of hair of the dog.
Happy New Year, readers! May 2013 be filled with more of my Us Weekly garbage to take your minds of all the bad stuff in the world.