If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I can’t afford to lose weight the way the stars do) January 4, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 3:15 PM
Kourtney K and everyone else on the planet are willing to share their weight loss tips with lowly Us Weekly readers like me!

Kourtney K and everyone else on the planet are willing to share their weight loss tips with lowly Us Weekly readers like me!

Well, Kimye managed to get preggers after press time for Us Weekly, so Kim’s sis Kourtney made the cover instead. (For those of you who don’t know what Kimye is, it’s Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.) And I really don’t care how she lost the baby weight so quickly. It’s probably unhealthy and/or illegal. Meanwhile, here’s what I learned from this week’s issue:


1.)              Kate Winslet secretly got married in a ceremony so hush-hush, it’s reported in Us Weekly. Meanwhile, her new hubby’s last name is Rocknroll. Yep. You heard it here first. Oh, and her Titanic co-star Leonardo DiCaprio walked her down the aisle. Everyone together now – AWWWWW!


2.)              Spike Lee does NOT like Quentin Tarantino’s movies. Particularly one that turned a story about slavery into somewhat of a spaghetti western. Quentin has not responded and audiences are ignoring Lee as well, ‘cause they’re headed out in droves to see Django Unchained.


3.)              Us Weekly says Donald Trump’s New Year’s resolution should be to take a vow of silence. Wonder if The Donald reads this rag.


4.)              Teen Mom Maci Bookout is back on with her on again/off again boyfriend. He even went so far as to propose to her again – this time via Twitter. How romantic!


5.)              Kathie Lee Gifford is drinking WAY too much wine in the morning while co-hosting that “bonus” hour of the Today Show. She claims she showed off her control-top pantyhose and someone saw it and turned around to invent Spanx and make a mint. Doubtful, Kathie Lee. Keep on drinkin’.


6.)              Jimmy Kimmel has personal stationery that reads: “From the Desk of Lionel Richie.”


7.)              72 percent of Us Weekly readers would vote for Ben Affleck if he runs for Senate. Which he’s not. But he hasn’t ruled it out. Meanwhile, I hope these potential voters read more than just Us Weekly before they head to the polls.


8.)              Josh Duhamel is confused by women. “It’s physically impossible for just one to go to the bathroom.”


9.)              Nicole Richie is firmly behind Taylor Swift. “I don’t even know who she is singing about, but I hate him and anyone else who’s ever upset her.”


10.)          Jessica Simpson is already looking preggers. And she also still looks like she needs a stylist STAT!


11.)          Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux went to Mexico to “escape.” But they didn’t manage to escape Us Weekly’s photographers, which makes me wonder why they bother ever leaving the house.


12.)          In horrible news, Rihanna and Chris Brown were photographed looking happy and in love. I didn’t spot any bruises on her. So far, so good.


13.)          I just might have to watch the Golden Globes this year, since there’s an ad here proclaiming that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are co-hosting. I know this is old news, but the ad got me a little excited.


14.)          Rod Stewart has a 7-year-old son, which grosses me out a little.


15.)          Celebrity kids look really cute all bundled up for the winter.


16.)          Madonna “stomped on Jessica Biel’s Elie Saab dress in Beverly Hills.” The NERVE of that bitch!


17.)          Anytime stars are photographed with their dogs, I love them a little more. Jenna Dewan-Tatum – I’ve never really given you much thought, but you’re adorable when you kiss your sweet little pit bull.


18.)          Jennifer Lopez is still dating her backup dancer boy toy. They played in a charity football game together, but Us Weekly neglected to share the name of the charity.


19.)          And in other happy relationship news, Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are still going strong, HalleBerry is in a rush to marry Olivier Martinez, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis like Red Lobster, and Kanye puts Kim K’s needs first. He’d better get used to that, ‘cause he’ll be going out for late-night ice cream runs before long.


20.)          Patrick Dempsey, who plays a doctor on TV and plays a superhero in real life, is trying to buy the Tully’s coffee chain. Tully’s declared bankruptcy and if the sale goes through, Dempsey will have saved more than 500 jobs. Good on you, Pat!


21.)          Kristen Stewart is the second most bankable star, according to Forbes. She lost out to Natalie Portman, who hasn’t made a movie in a while. Forbes needs to fire the people who made that list.


22.)          Yoko Ono told Rolling Stone magazine that Paul McCartney was responsible for breaking up the Beatles.


23.)          Perhaps we will finally learn how Ted Mosby met his baby mama. Next season will be How I Met Your Mother’s last.


24.)          So Brandy got engaged. Not sure that’s still important.


25.)          Bethenny Frankel is “devastated” by her pending divorce, but is still living with her soon-to-be-ex .


26.)          Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham has raised her children to have manners. I wonder if that includes actually smiling when they’re having their pictures taken.


27.)          Real Housewife of Atlanta Kenya Moore claims her relationship on the show was fake, meaning the fact that she appeared clingy and desperate for marriage to her boyfriend was totally NOT TRUE. Meanwhile, her ex claims he was the one who was faking it.


28.)          You, too, can go “from baby to bikini in six months!” Just do what Kourtney Kardashian did! Well, let me be more specific. Do what Kourtney did after her SECOND pregnancy, which was yoga and eating healthy with a reasonable amount of exercise. This is much better than the last time when she starved herself and exercised herself into the ground. Don’t do that.


29.)          And in other “diet secrets of the stars” it’s more of the same B.S. Except in Jennifer Lawrence’s case. She just has “a healthy attitude.” That, I can live with.


30.)          Wanna know what’s in Jennie Garth’s fridge? Yeah, me neither.


31.)          Jenni Pulos of “Flipping Out” fame is having a baby. Meanwhile, her asshole boss wants her to name the baby after him!


32.)          Us Weekly reveals “Secrets of Downton Abbey.” But I won’t share them with you. They’re SECRETS!


33.)          Naomi Watts, who is starring in a movie about a tsunami, admits she’s “afraid of waves.”


34.)          Side braids are the latest in weird hair fashion.


35.)          Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fans are probably waiting with baited breath for the episode in which Brandi confronts one of her ex-husband’s many mistresses. Alas, it’s not his most recent mistress, LeAnn Rimes, who wound up becoming his wife.


36.)          T-shirts can be dressy!


37.)          TV ALERT! This Sunday, TLC will be airing the first of four “special” episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Set your VCRs, which is what I think the Boo Boo family is still using.


38.)          Mariah Carey never ceases to amaze me with the so-called “looks” she chooses. A giant hankie with a wide belt is NOT a good look, love!


My apologies for this blog being so late! I had big New Year’s Day plans that took me to Pasadena to see the Stanford Cardinal run over the Wisconsin Badgers in the Rose Bowl. It was BEAUTIFUL! I expect my next issue of Us Weekly to be in my mailbox tomorrow, so you won’t have to wait long for the next issue of What I Learned… Kimye is having a baby, yo!


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