Bethenny, Bethenny, Bethenny. The fur is a-flyin’ in her divorce battle with hubby Jason and things are getting ugly. I also think I missed an issue because Bethenny is the cover story instead of the Kimye baby. If anyone knows about this missing issue, please contact me immediately. For now, though, here’s what I learned by reading Us Weekly!
1.) Duchess Kate has good news! She no longer has morning sickness because she is “safely in her second trimester.” Good on you, Kate!
2.) Ann Curry, whose talent for news anchoring was completely ignored by the morons at the Today Show, may just move to CNN. Good on you, Ann!
3.) Adam Lambert, who hasn’t made much of a name for himself after LOSING on American Idol, criticized the Les Miserables film, saying it was full of actors pretending to be singing. Not so good on you, Adam. Wait until you have something valuable to offer the world before spreading hate about other stuff. This is not to say I have any intention of seeing Les Miz. I don’t. But still!
4.) James Van Der Beek has never seen the Dawson’s Creek finale. Neither have I, come to think of it.
5.) Britain, you can KEEP them! Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag returned to TV, but not in America, thank God. They’re appearing on the U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother. Which makes me wonder if England knows what being a celebrity is.
6.) Sean Penn on life after divorce: “I thought, ‘Wow, I can actually go on a date. And so I go out … drinking at a bar and ending up home, you know, drunk.’”
7.) Reese Witherspoon still looks like a woman who recently gave birth. Good on you, Reese, for not rushing to lose that baby weight!
8.) Steven Tyler’s daughter Chelsea unfortunately got her looks from her father.
9.) When Tom Brady gets into a snowball fight, he throws like a girl.
10.) I hate the term “babymoon,” which is a honeymoon for expectant parents. Mainly because who wants to be pregnant on a tropical vacation and unable to drink the fancy umbrella drinks?? Anyhoo, Channing and Jenna Dewan Tatum are the latest celeb couple to go on one of those stupid things. In St. Barts.
11.) Attention stoner ladies: Michael Phelps broke up with his girlfriend and is back on the market!
12.) Real Housewife of Atlanta Nene Leakes is remarrying her ex-husband. Meanwhile, if you can’t get enough of southern rich bitches, there’s a new show coming out on the Style network called “Big Rich Atlanta, which features wealthy Georgia mothers and daughters. I think this will be a train wreck show for me – I won’t be able to look away, but it will be gross.
13.) In idiot news, L’il Wayne got the word “baked” tattooed on his forehead.
14.) Jimmy Kimmel is not a fan of his late-night competitor Jay Leno, saying Jay sold out when he took The Tonight Show back from Conan O’Brien. “Leno hasn’t been a good stand-up in 20 years. You can’t not have total disdain for what he’s done. He toldally sold out.” Jimmy, I wholeheartedly agree!
15.) Quentin Tarantino says that when he turns 60, he’ll stop making movies and start reviewing books.
16.) In teenaged angst news, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have “broken up for good.” Or until they get back together again. Apparently, they have trust issues. I have trust issues, too. For example, I don’t believe this break-up is permanent.
17.) Hugh Hefner’s will does not include his new wife, Crystal Harris. And she signed an ironclad pre-nup that prevents her from contesting it.
18.) Lindsay Lohan is no longer welcomed in W hotels. Apparently, the NYC W hotel is STILL cleaning up after LiLo bunked for a few weeks last fall. There were cigarette burns everywhere and the damage was estimated at $50,000.
19.) Bradley Cooper is now available again after getting dumped by Zoe Saldana. Apparently, he’s been getting a lot of attention for his movie “Silver Linings Playbook” and it’s gone to his head.
20.) COVER STORY: Bethenny Frankel ditched any potential plans for a reconciliation with hubby Jason Hoppy, a sweetheart of a guy who put up with her bullshit for a few years. She’s a multi-millionaire, but wants primary custody of their daughter AND child support! There was a pre-nup, so he’s not getting any of her millions, it appears. And his claim that she just used him so she could have a baby has some merit.
21.) In Kimye news, Kim claims she’s ready to be a mom. And this annoying pair also went on one of those stupid babymoons. The pregnancy has likely depressed little sister Khloe, who is the only Kardashian that’s actually married and wants desperately to have a baby. Poor Khloe! Her slutty sisters keep getting knocked up before she has her chance.
22.) There’s a story about why Teen Mom Maci Bookout took her ex back. I didn’t read it.
23.) There’s a really stupid cooking competition show debuting later this month called “The Taste.” Contestants cook meals and are judged by ONE BITE! Stupid waste of food.
24.) Mariah Carey says she’s never been a fan of singing competitions.
25.) Celebrities lie about diets they claim actually work. LYING LIARS!
26.) I really want to see “Gangster Squad.”
27.) If you don’t like the Real Housewives (and I’m sure many of you don’t), check out the Real Husbands of Hollywood. It’s a bunch of hot guys married to famous women and these guys appear to be willing to make fun of themselves.
28.) Shockingly, Snooki is criticized by Us Weekly’s Fashion Police.
29.) And… pointy shoulder pads are making a comeback!
That’s all the news that’s fit to print this week, TV fans! Stay tuned!