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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Divorce can take FOREVER!) January 22, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 9:40 AM
It's gettin' ugly in the divorce that is taking FOREVER!

It’s gettin’ ugly in the divorce that is taking FOREVER!

It’s Kardashian Khaos in this week’s issue of Us Weekly! Wanna know what I learned? Read on!

 

1.)             Courteney Cox finally comes out of the closet! About her plastic surgery, which has been obvious to me since her Friends days. CC admits to using laser treatments and Botox. Just like the rest of Hollywood. This story disappoints me. I was expecting her to own up to an eye lift at least!

 

2.)             Teen Mom Farrah Abraham waxed her 3-year-old eyebrows because people kept making fun of the baby’s unibrow. Time to stop reading your own press and think about the CHILD, you moron!

 

3.)             Reese Witherspoon would never date me. Never mind that neither of us are lesbians, but she said she once went on a date during which the guy corrected her grammar. Date over.

 

4.)             Joaquin Phoenix has been nominated for an award he thinks is “complete bullshit.” An Oscar.

 

5.)             Patricia Heaton says every one of her Twitter followers is in her will. If she didn’t have such unbelievable political views, I’d be a sheep and see how I could benefit from her death.

 

6.)             Real Housewife of Atlanta and notorious B-I-T-C-H Kenya Moore claims she is stopped on the street every day and asked if she is Beyonce. Meanwhile, much classier Housewife Kandi Burress got engaged to her BF. Congrats!

 

7.)             91% of Us Weekly readers feel bad for Ben Affleck, who didn’t get an Oscar nod for directing Argo.

 

8.)             If you didn’t see the Golden Globes last Sunday, you missed a LOT of ugly dresses! And Jodie Foster’s speech, which had to have been written by Mel Gibson, as it didn’t make any sense at all!

 

9.)             Demi Moore escaped to Mexico for a little vay-cay, but she didn’t escape Us Weekly’s cameras. She’s pictured wearing teeny bikinis and frolicking on the beach like she’s still 25. Which clearly she wishes she still was.

 

10.)       Drew Barrymore and her no-name husband were featured on the Kiss Cam at the Jan. 11 New York Knicks game.

 

11.)       Kate “Middleton” Duchess of Cambridge was at the unveiling of her official royal portrait. Apparently, others are criticizing the work, but Kate says, “It’s brilliant.”

 

12.)       Miss New Yawk one Miss America. She has fake boobs.

 

13.)       Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise stepped out in NYC in matching parkas.

 

14.)       In addition to admitting he likes to knit, Ryan Gosling brought his MOM as his date to the premiere of Gangster Squad. Everybody say it with me – AWWWWW!

 

15.)       Jennifer Aniston won a People’s Choice award, but she hasn’t made any movies in a while. What gives?

 

16.)       Michelle Obama, who most of you know I love, worked her tuchus off on January 19th’s Day of Service. She planted trees, delivered toys to tots, worked serving meals to injured vets, and helped kids paint benches. You go, Michelle!

 

17.)       Alyson Hannigan got her 3-year-old daughter a mani-pedi.

 

18.)       STARS! They’re just like us! Especially Ariel Winter, who puts on her own shoes!

 

19.)       Jason Sudekis and Olivia Wilde are getting married. They’ve only been together for a year, but they plan to take it slow with the wedding planning. Okay, then.

 

20.)       More from the People’s Choice Awards: Emily Blunt had the best seat in the house for the show – her husband John Krasinski’s lap! I have had sex dreams about John, so I’m a little jealous.

 

21.)       Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are “happiest at home.” Which equals BO-RING!

 

22.)       Jennifer Lawrence is on the market again, guys.

 

23.)       Kelly Ripa’s NYC penthouse is for sale – for a mere $25 mil.

 

24.)       Los Angeles is down two Brits and their spawn. David and Victoria Beckham moved their brood back to England.

 

25.)       “Locked Out of Heaven,” the latest hit by Bruno Mars (which sounds eerily like The Police), is the first song to be played more than a million times in one week on Spotify. Just reading this makes me sick of the song.

 

26.)       Brad Pitt is helping sell Cadillacs in China.

 

27.)       Jillian Michaels named her daughter Lukensia, which sounds and looks eerily like Leukemia. Poor kid.

 

28.)       Brit-Brit was dumped by her fiancé. Brit’s camp says it was a mutual breakup, but Us Weekly says she was blindsided.

 

29.)       The New Jersey Real Housewives sure know how to ruin a kid’s birthday party. Teresa Giudice got all into her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga’s face at Teresa’s daughter Gia’s 12th birthday party. Way to keep it classy, Tre.

 

30.)       Jeremy Renner is going to be a father. Apparently, the pregnancy is the result of a few casual dates and Jeremy plans to fly to her when her water breaks. How romantic!

 

31.)       COVER STORY: Kris Humphries is none to pleased about Kim Kardashian’s big baby news. Possibly because she’s still legally married to him! Us Weekly says poor Kim is being “tortured by her ex,” who has allegedly vowed, “I will make Kim pay.” He sends her anonymous texts and keeps dragging out the divorce, which has lasted six times longer than their 72-day marriage. He is only asking for $7 million to walk away.

 

32.)       Lady Gaga and Kelly Osbourne are fighting and Us Weekly attempts to tell us why. Apparently, Lady G doesn’t like to be critiqued on her fashion choices. Hmmmm.

 

33.)       Well, it’s finally happened. After WEEKS of dating, Taylor Swift is once again an ex-girlfriend. She and Harry Styles of One Direction have ditched their relationship. Us breaks down the anatomy of a Swift relationship (hee hee – see what I did there?). First the couple makes their public debut, then she meets the family, then the couple goes for big PDA, then they break up. Sounds like a good concept for a song, no?

 

34.)       Jennie Garth is healing from the breakup of her marriage by becoming a cougar.

 

35.)       Justin Bieber has grown up! He has a potty mouth, he strips on stage, he breaks the law, he parties with models, and is now covered in tattoos. Sexy, right?

 

36.)       While I wasn’t aware they fell out of style, leather skirts are BACK!

 

37.)       Us Weekly gives some tips on how to look thinner without diet and exercise. Finally! An article I can get behind!

 

That’s it, ladies and germs! I learned a whole heck of a lot this week and I hope you did, too!

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