If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: things are gettin’ ugly in Beverly Hills) January 24, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:15 PM
Brandi Glanville is to Adrienne Maloof what Godzilla is to Tokyo, apparently.

Brandi Glanville is to Adrienne Maloof what Godzilla is to Tokyo, apparently.

Well, Us Weekly and I are apparently on opposing sides when it comes to a major feud among the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. That’s this week’s cover story, so more on that when I get to that page. In the meantime, read all this other junk first:


1.)              Khloe Kardashian is battling rumors that her hubby, Lamar Odom, is cheating on her. The funny Kardashian has been making headlines for not getting preggers while her unmarried sisters seem to get knocked up pretty easily. I kinda feel sorry for the girl.


2.)              Heath Ledger died five years ago and Us Weekly likes to write occasional stories on his surviving girlfriend Michelle Williams to keep Heath in the headlines. Williams has moved on with Jason Segel, but Us Weekly will NEVER move on!


3.)              Former Playboy centerfold Holly Madison had to move out of her Las Vegas home because the homeowners association frowned on her giant, pink doghouse in the yard.


4.)              Ryan Gosling has one regret. He wishes he’d been asked to join the Backstreet Boys.


5.)              Megan Fox says we should all believe in Leprechauns. She also believes in Bigfood and the Loch Ness Monster.


6.)              If you’re still confused as to whether Chicken of the Sea is chicken or tuna, you’ll LOVE the fact that Jessica Simpson is coming back to TV. The new sitcom sounds much worse than her former reality show, which is likely the cause of the breakup of her marriage to Nick Lachey. Jessica will be playing herself and actors will be playing her fiancé, Eric Johnson, and her perverted, boobie-obsessed daddy Joe.


7.)              82% of Us Weekly readers think Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell should host the Golden Globes next year. Personally, I envision a comeback for Tina and Amy. Weren’t they awesome??


8.)              It’s like the 80s are back! Seafoam green seems to be the go-to color for gowns this season.


9.)              “When I would go on a date with a girl – like when I was 12 … they thought we were dating, and I was sort of hoping to meet their brothers.” –Anderson Cooper


10.)          Ben Affleck says he’s stuck in the 90s. Seafoam green may have been a thing of the past by then, but cargo pants were not. And Ben wants to bring back cargo pants.


11.)          Nicki Minaj makes the outrageous claim that she is not a “crazy psycho.”


12.)          I did not like First Lady Michelle Obama’s new bangs at the Inauguration. But Us Weekly is focusing more on the celebrity attendants rather than the couple of the hour. Oh, and you may have heard by now that Beyonce … wait for it … LIP SYNCED the National Anthem. *audible gasp*


13.)          Michelle Kwan got married! She looked fabulous!


14.)          Quentin Tarantino could stand to lose a few pounds or not walk around in public wearing only swim trunks. The latter is probably easier and would do the world a lot of good.


15.)          Prince Harry is “thrilled” his going to be an uncle. Maybe he can teach the royal fetus how to lose in strip poker.


16.)          Us Weekly’s “The List” this week is 25 celebrities who play Words with Friends. I’d like to think I would be able to kick Snoop Dogg’s ass!


17.)          Mark and Donnie Wahlberg have a brother who is a chef. His restaurant is called Wahlburgers.


18.)          Lady celebs like small dogs. That is not a euphemism.


19.)          HalleBerry, who was once famously anti-marriage, wants to marry Olivier Martinez in Paris.


20.)          Claire Danes had a baby about two months ago and got her parents to babysit while she and her hubby went to the Golden Globes. Since the awards were handed out in a hotel, she occasionally had to run up to her parents’ room to feed the baby, Cyrus.


21.)          James Van Der Beek and his wife both lived in L.A. for years but actually met each other in Israel.


22.)          Shakira posed topless and very preggers for UNICEF.


23.)          Anne Hathaway’s husband screamed like a little girl when she won a Golden Globe for Les Miserables.


24.)          Kiera Knightley is engaged, but apparently tends to flip out a little when asked about her wedding plans.


25.)          Congratulations are in order for Elton John and his partner, who welcomed their second son Elijah. Hooray for gay parenting! May their children grow up to be outstanding human beings to prove that two daddies are just as good as other options. This concludes the political opinion portion of my blog.


26.)          So Lance Armstrong admitted something to Oprah. Does anyone know what it was? I missed the interview.


27.)          Justin Bieber is turning into a bit of a punk. He posted a pic of his bare ass to his Instagram account. No one needs to see that, J Biebs!


28.)          Sarah Jessica Parker has landed on the cutting room floor. Her role as Gloria Steinem in the upcoming “Lovelace” movie was completely edited from the final product. Bummer.


29.)          Taylor Swift probably doesn’t read this blog,  but she’s getting sick of all the jokes people are making about her and her brilliant ability to break up with men and write songs about it. Her feelings got hurt when Tina Fey made fun of her at the Golden Globes because she was still broken-hearted over the end of her month-long relationship with one of those One Direction kids. “The breakup killed her,” according to a source. But I don’t know how such a short relationship could end quite so painfully. Tay-Tay – it might be best to try and keep your private life private for a little while and stop dating teeny-bopper singers.


30.)          Justin Timberlake HAS to release a CD and go on tour by the end of the year or his label will be very, very angry. Rumor has it, J.T. is only recording the album because he has to. His heart just isn’t in it. As evidenced by his just-released single “Suit and Tie,” which is horrible.


31.)          COVER STORY: RHOBH fans should know that Us Weekly apparently only likes Brandi Glanville as a cover girl, not as a person. They appear to have taken Adrienne Maloof’s side in a major fight over Brandi announcing that Adrienne used a surrogate for her twin sons. Granted, it wasn’t exactly smart of Brandi to drop the deets on this story, but Adrienne is living her life on camera and probably should have mentioned the story of their birth to her sons before joining the show. The boys are 6 and old enough to understand this stuff. Maybe it’s just me, but it sounds like Adrienne was just putting off the inevitable for as long as she could. But there’s HOT GOSSIP, housewives fans! Since Adrienne and husband Paul Nassif filed for divorce last summer, Brandi and Paul, who famously called her a bitch to her face on the show, are friendly now! Go figure. And Adrienne is now dating Rod Stewart’s son, Sean, who is most famous for appearing on Celebrity Rehab. Way to take it up a notch, Adrienne!


32.)          Kelly Osbourne is “secretly engaged.” But we all know Us Weekly is terrible at keeping secrets.


33.)          Us Weekly compares the Monti Te’o fake girlfriend scandal to other “pop-culture hoaxes” like Milli Vanilli and Balloon Boy.


34.)          Jenelle Evans is a “teen mom train wreck.” Why? Well, for starters, she got pregnant in high school, lost custody of the kid, and got knocked up again. I imagine there are a million more reasons.


35.)          Drew Barrymore names everything “Flower.” Probably after the cute little skunk in Bambi. Anyhoo, first she started her production company, Flower Films, and now she is busting out a Flower makeup line.


36.)          Oooh! Us Weekly reveals Oscar nominees’ embarrassing past films. Among them is Joaquin Phoenix’s turn as a kid in the horrid movie Space Camp. That was back when he was still going by his birth name, Leaf.


37.)          Lucy Liu just LOVES NYC.


38.)          Jennifer Lopez was a little nervous about stripping down to her skivvies in the upcoming move Parker. “I felt vulnerable.” Huh. This from the woman who wore a cut-down-to-her-bellybutton “gown” to the Grammys back in the day.


39.)          Us Weekly tells readers how to throw a Super Bowl party. Personally, I’d rather learn how to do this from ESPN, but maybe that’s just me.


40.)          The updated version of Dallas is back and what with Larry Hagman’s passing last year, the writers had to scramble to re-write some stuff. Looks like things in Dallas are gonna get interesting (finally).


So there ya go, sports fans! Can’t wait to get you up to speed on all the latest news no one cares about with next week’s issue. Godspeed!


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