If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: That Super Bowl SUCKED!) February 4, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 1:39 PM
You guessed it! It's BETHENNY'S baby!

You guessed it! It’s BETHENNY’S baby!

“I’m taking our baby!” is the headline of this week’s Us Weekly. Keep reading to find out whose baby! And whether there is a dingo involved.


1.)              In happy marriage news, Us Weekly decided to ask country music couple Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton about divorce. Divorce is NOT an option, but apparently that first year of wedded bliss is a toughie.


2.)              Prince Harry has mastered the art of peeing in a helicopter.


3.)              Sheryl Crow “probably” knew Lance Armstrong was doping while the pair were still dating, but she didn’t want to throw him under the bus.


4.)              Natalie Portman is moving to France.


5.)              New mom Claire Danes was afraid of boob leakage at the Golden Globes.


6.)              Us Weekly readers prefer Nicole Richie’s hair short. These things MATTER, people!


7.)              Kristen Bell has the ultimate in birthing plans (not that she’s preggers yet): “When I arrive at the hospital, I want a glass of whiskey, I want the epidural in my back, and I want to be hit in the face with a baseball bat. And just wake me up when it’s over because I’ve seen the videos – and it looks terrifying.”


8.)              QUOTE OF THE WEEK FROM TAYLOR SWIFT from the Obvious News Desk: “I’ve never really had a long relationship … part of me just wants to be alone.” I’m pretty sure that part of her is so well hidden, it’s not aware what a serial monogamist she is.


9.)              There are a lot of ladies in pretty gowns at the SAG awards. But there are more ladies in really ugly gowns.


10.)          Now that she’s single again, Britney Spears has taken up going to church.


11.)          Miley Cyrus vacationed in Costa Rica with BOTH Hemsworth boys. Lucky, lucky!


12.)          Super Bowl ads are no longer the surprise they used to be. I’m sure by now you’ve seen all the good ones online. And Us Weekly wants to spoil the surprise, too. Amy Poehler is hawking Best Buy products.


13.)          There may be a wedding soon on Glee. But I’m not watching that show anymore because of the Jonathan Coulton drama. They stole his version of “Baby Got Back” without permission, which totally blows!


14.)          Celebrity moms don’t mind being seen in public with their spawn.




16.)          Jennifer Lopez says her boy toy helped her heal after her most recent divorce. Clearly she’s of the mind that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Rebound much?


17.)          Michael Buble is going to be a daddy.


18.)          John Legend is engaged to a model, but she’s a butterface, in my humble opinion. Comments on Chrissy Teigen are welcome. She bugs!


19.)          Nick Offerman (Parks & Recreation) and Megan Mullally actually make a cute couple!


20.)          Sara Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick went to an art gallery with their kids. The exhibition was work by his late mother.


21.)          Living up to his party boy reputation, Prince Harry, who can pee whilst sitting down in a helicopter, went on a 15-hour bender while on leave from the army. “I have always said, work hard, play hard.” Well done, old chap!


22.)          Selena Gomez goes to Bible study, but so does her ex-BF Justin Bieber. God forbid they should actually SEE each other!


23.)          Taylor Swift avoided Harry Styles at a music awards show in Cannes.


24.)          Cameron Diaz is still welcome to host SNL even though I can’t recall anything she could possibly be promoting right now. Is she a has-been yet?


25.)          Nicole Richie’s daughter Harlow wanted a “big girl” party for her fifth birthday, so she got to go with friends to the $5K/night Beverly Hills Hotel.


26.)          In baby news, there’s another one named after a place. Reese Witherspoon had Tennessee and now Shakira has Milan, who is a boy for those not in the know.


27.)          Jamie-Lynn Sigler is engaged, but her baseball playing fiancé is only in the minor leagues. You’d think she could get a real MLB player!


28.)          Chris Brown got in another fight. But that’s not really news, now is it?


29.)          The youngest of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids will be 19 on Sunday, but she seems to act more mature than her mother.


30.)          JJ Abrams is directing the next installment of the Star Wars franchise. This is good news, assuming JJ is not fond of Jar Jar.


31.)          Kourtney and Kim Kardashian plan to force their children to become close.


32.)          COVER STORY: So yeah. Jason Hoppy issued his demands in the ugly divorce saga between him and Bethenny Frankel. He wants custody of his daughter, their apartment, and child support. I, for one, hope he gets all of it. Bethenny has become too full of herself.


33.)          In other Real Housewives news, Brandi Glanville’s new book, “Drinking and Tweeting” sounds like it could be a page-turner. She talks about her cheating husband, his current wife LeAnn Rimes, and, as Us Weekly puts it, PAYBACK. Sweet! Plus, I love the title.


34.)          Us Weekly wants me to learn all about The Bachelor. But I don’t wanna!


35.)          FINALLY! A post-baby weight loss story most women can relate to. Some celebs actually have trouble taking off the baby weight and say that whole thing about breast feeding burning calories is a load of … hogwash.


36.)          THE LIP SYNC SCANDAL THAT ROCKED AMERICA! Who the f*** cares??? I’d rather sing to a flawless recording than sing live and totally screw up. I mean, the whole world was watching the inauguration! Whitney Houston’s famous rendition of the National Anthem was also lip synced, as was Madonna’s performance at last year’s Super Bowl. Even Bruce Springsteen had some ‘splaining to do when his band pre-recorded their tracks for the 2009 Super Bowl. I’m guessing Beyonce will lip sync again on Sunday. I’m sorry, but with all the dancing these people do, it’s impossible to sing live, too.


37.)          My husband wrote “I love U” in the dust on our TV, but Us Weekly reports that celebs show their love in a bigger fashion. Ben Affleck says it with roses, Kanye West splurges on expensive cars, and Ellen Degeneres goes on vacation with her honey.


38.)          If you don’t want to spend your hard-earned cash on flowers, cars, or trips, maybe you would consider getting a Kate Spade bra and panty set for the lovely lady in your life. The undies are only $58 (compared to the $138 bra)!


39.)          Gillette wants to know “Is stubble killing the kiss?” You can swipe your cell phone over the ad and tell Us Weekly (and Gillette, I assume) what you think. Personally, I find stubble HOT, which is a good thing, since Mr. Susie gets a 5 o’clock shadow promptly at 5 o’clock.


40.)          Us Weekly wants to teach the ladies how to look “natural” by piling a bunch of makeup on.


Well, I started this blog on Friday and finished it today. Beyonce didn’t lip sync and my sweet Niners lost to the Ravens. I’m signing off depressed and hungover. Those rally shots I drank yesterday didn’t do a damn bit of good.


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