The Bachelor is a *gasp* VIRGIN! And the whorish ladies trying to find a relationship via reality TV are SHOCKED. Simply SHOCKED. This is much more than I care to know about Bachelor Sean, so let’s get to more important stuff like what else I learned by reading Us Weekly.
1.) Melissa McCarthy is being bullied for her weight when she should actually be praised for her hilarity. And the bully? None other than movie critic Rex Reed, who called her a “female hippo” and “tractor-sized.” Feel free to send him hate mail and tell him I and Us Weekly sent you. Bullying of any kind is simply unacceptable and this asshat shouldn’t be getting paid to do it.
2.) L’il Kim underwent a makeover. Before, she was tacky. Now she just looks like a plastic surgery addict.
3.) Emma Watson, Isla Fisher, and Rachel Bilson all claim they are often mistaken for teenagers. Not something I’d complain about. No one cards me anymore.
4.) Martha Stewart has not one, but TWO iPads.
5.) Duff Goldman of “Ace of Cakes” is my new personal hero. When he heard that an Oregon baker refused to make a wedding cake for a lesbian couple, he offered his services for free!
6.) Miley Cyrus has vowed she will never have long hair again.
7.) Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren admit they stay home and watch a lot of “Dateline.”
8.) Katy Perry wore a really ugly mint green dress to the Grammys. Adele’s floral confection wasn’t much better. And Beyonce in a pantsuit? What gives?? Guess I missed a lot by not watching the awards show.
9.) Speaking of which, Rihanna and Chris Brown made their official re-debut as a couple at the Grammys, which makes me a little ill.
10.) It appears that Nicole Kidman wears lipstick when she swims in the ocean.
11.) It’s shocking, I know, but Giselle Bundchen looks absolutely perfect just two months after giving birth.
12.) Jennifer Aniston has gone platinum blonde for a role. It doesn’t really become her.
13.) Kim and Kanye are still globetrotting. This time it’s Rio.
14.) Josh Duhamel and Fergie just “genuinely like each other.” That’s good, since they’re married and all.
15.) Tobey Macguire and his wife Ruby are apparently good parents. One “source” says they make you actually want to have kids. I would steer clear of these two, lest you become a baby making machine.
16.) Maria Menounos has been in a relationship for 15 years and has no intention of getting married. She added that her dream wedding would be a kegger.
17.) Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Adrienne Maloof says her new boy toy, Rod Stewart’s son Sean, helps keep her mind off her pending divorce. Can anyone say rebound???
18.) Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn are getting serious!
19.) Katy Perry is no longer BFFs with Rihanna because she doesn’t approve of Ri-Ri’s relationship with Chris Brown.
20.) “Multiple witnesses” say Cameron Diaz and Michael Fassbender are totes hooking up!
21.) In TOTALLY AWESOME news, Robin Roberts is set to return to “Good Morning America” after her recent bone marrow transplant.
22.) Christina Applegate has decided to ditch her crappy sitcom “Up All Night” and is instead gearing up for the “Anchorman” sequel.
23.) Helen Mirren died her hair pink. And she totally rocks it!
24.) Nelson Mandella is a fan of “Toddlers and Tiaras.” True story, according to his granddaughters.
25.) So, the “virgin bachelor” is not technically a virgin. Us Weekly contradicts its cover headline by claiming Sean Lowe just stopped having sex until he gets married. Hope he doesn’t mind being married to a desperate slut.
26.) Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are shacking up.
27.) Duchess Kate’s parents picked up the bill to send the royal hotties to an island retreat. No mention of a Babymoon.
28.) The burning questions about the Oscars aren’t very hot, in my humble opinion. Though I am looking forward to seeing my latest crush, Seth MacFarlane, host.
29.) Bruce Willis says moms stop him on the street to say, “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.”
30.) Dustin Hoffman is making his directorial debut and his first challenge is to get Maggie Smith to swear.
31.) According to Us Weekly, Reese Witherspoon’s lips are too thin, Kim Kardashian has a wide nose, Mila Kunis has a round face, Olivia Wilde has wide-set eyes, and Rihanna has a five-head. Suddenly, I feel much more attractive.
32.) Lisa Loeb is finally releasing a new album and she says she left NYC for LA “to get tan.”
33.) Celebs wear some pretty ugly sunglasses.
So that’s what I learned this week. Maybe I’d learn more if I actually read all the articles instead of skimming them for the interesting tidbits. But that would make this blog more legitimate and we don’t want THAT! Don’t tell anyone, okay?