susieworld

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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: You are a better parent than Kris Jenner. Go YOU!) February 21, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:16 PM
Booking your kid for Playboy is damned fine parenting, doncha think?

Booking your kid for Playboy is damned fine parenting, don’t ya think?

I picked up my mail on the way out the door to work and brought my Us Weekly with me to the office. I laughed through the entire commute because this week’s cover story is about Kris Jenner’s mistakes as a mom! The list must be endless, so I hope you’ve got some extra time to read about what I learned this week.

 

1.)                All the ladies are wearing pale pink gowns to red carpet events these days. And they all look good! Not a tacky dress in the bunch!

 

2.)                Lady Gaga’s tour is OFF! She hurt her right hip and had to cancel 21 shows. The injury is from all the dancing she does on stage, which bugs me because isn’t she supposed to be a singer? It’s pretty hard to sing and do all those fancy dance moves without sounding like a panting dog. Not that I’ve tried, but I imagine.

 

3.)                Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, 4, made herself $3,000 a week for appearing in one of her mommy’s movies.

 

4.)                Steve Martin is a first-time dad at the ripe old age of 67.

 

5.)                DIVAS TO THE RESCUE! Jennifer Lopez stopped a Ukranian prankster from screwing up Adele’s acceptance speech at the Grammys, Sofia Vergara monitored a woman’s pulse after the woman collapsed in Vegas, Carrie Underwood rescued a puppy from a busy highway, Kelly Osborne thwarted an attempted car burglary, and Shannen Doherty (I’m a little skeptical about her “diva” status) called 911 after one of her fans threatened to commit suicide.

 

6.)                John Corbett has a hairdresser’s license.

 

7.)                Taylor Swift says she’s not a yeller when it comes to her many breakups. “If something’s done, it’s done. There’s nothing that needs to be said.” So she just sings about it instead.

 

8.)                Bruce Willis says he has never won an Oscar because you don’t win Oscars for comedies or shooting people.

 

9.)                Matt Damon joked that he is going on a “toilet strike” for a water.org sanitation campaign.

 

10.)            Ben Affleck has his very own PUH (personal umbrella handler) – George Clooney. And Justin Timberlake served as PUH for Jay-Z.

 

11.)            Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s romance is “built on a friendship.”

 

12.)            Justin Timberlake put his new bride Jessica Biel through the wringer when they were doing that on-again, off-again dating ritual. But now that they’re wed, he swears he’s not going to do anything to screw things up. I give the relationship three years. But I’m an optimist.

 

13.)            If you’re not sick of Beyonce yet like I am, she’s got a new documentary out. It’s about her, of course.

 

14.)            Jamie-Lynn Sigler is preggers!

 

15.)            “Survivor” alums Jenna Morasca and Ethan Zohn broke up after 10 years of dating.

 

16.)            Maggie Smith says she has never watched an episode of “Downton Abbey.” So we have that in common with each other!

 

17.)            Alec Baldwin has proved that he, not his daughter Ireland, is the pig. He made racist statements that I won’t repeat here about a New York Post cameraman.

 

18.)            Fergie is preggers!

 

19.)            Jessica Simpson has picked out a name for her second kid, due this summer. She says she’s going to name the baby Ace. No word on whether the fetus is a boy or girl, but Jess is a fan of traditionally male monikers for girls. Her 10-month-old daughter is named Maxwell.

 

20.)            Kate Upton, who made the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue two years in a row, is apparently hated by all the other models. Some sources say the others are just jealous, but I believe it’s more likely that Upton is a total bitch.

 

21.)            Mario Lopez’s wife is preggers!

 

22.)            Kardashian “momager” Kris Jenner feels guilty because she doesn’t do enough for her children. But she also admits that everything she does do embarrasses them. Case in point: Kim regrets doing Playboy – a deal that Kris worked out for her. Meanwhile, she says she has no plans to divorce Bruce Jenner, despite all the rumors, and doesn’t feel a lick of shame for letting her two youngest daughters dance the stripper pole on national TV. I could go on and on about all the things I think are wrong about Kris Jenner, but I need to have a life!

 

23.)            Kris’ three oldest daughters (you know, the annoying ones?) have expanded their klothing empire to include plus-size wear. It’s called Kardashian Kurves.

 

24.)            In very sad news, country singer Mindy McCready committed suicide following years of substance abuse. Even worse, she killed her dog before she killed herself.

 

25.)            In “Bachelor” news, Us Weekly reveals “secrets of the final three.” I don’t care about the final three, but the season’s resident bitch, Tierra, is already engaged to another dude!

 

26.)            Oscar Pistorius: First the Olympics, next, PRISON! For allegedly killing his girlfriend. Which is shocking. But what’s more shocking is that Us Weekly is reporting on an actual news event that has nothing to do with celebrities.

 

27.)             In WTF news, Lady Gaga has a mannequin in her dressing room that has pink pubic hair. She specifically requested this.

 

And on that note, I bid you adieu until next week! Sweet dreams of pink pubes!

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